I do not like green eggs and ham

So, I had some success with eating today. I had an iced coffee with my friend this morning (I know, I know, not food, but it was still hard) and then those 9 pieces of candy.

Then, this afternoon, I thought I really should eat something real, so I went into the kitchen, opened the fridge and stared. Then opened the freezer and stared. Then opened each individual cupboard and stared. Then left the kitchen.

I did this about 5 times over a couple hours.

Finally, my mom suggested I order a pizza. I did.

Normally, I could eat a whole pizza myself before purging it. Today, I ate a piece and a half, very slowly, freaked out, ran to the bathroom, purged, downed a bunch of laxatives, took more diet pills, exercised until I collapsed, and then lay crying.

I haven’t tried to eat since then.

Also, my scale seems to be lying to me. I might need to get a new one, I really think mine’s broken.

All week it said I wasn’t losing, then this morning when I weighed, it said I lost 10 pounds overnight. That clearly doesn’t make any sense.

I always weigh in the same spot in my room, making sure my scale is on an even section of the floor, first thing in the morning after using the bathroom, naked. (Yeah, I have a weighing ritual.)

There’s no way I could not lose all week then jump down 10 pounds. I want to believe it, but I can’t.

It also occurred to me a short time ago that if I end up doing PHP or inpatient, I have to stop using the laxatives and diet pills, stop abusing my thyroid meds, won’t be able to weigh or purge in any fashion, it kind of freaked me out.

It doesn’t change my decision to do it, but it does make me very apprehensive.

Also, I’m really nauseous. I’m not sure if it’s from lack of food or the excessive amount of laxatives I took earlier. It could be both, I suppose.

I was going to go to a support group for women 30 and older who have eating disorders (I know I’m not technically 30, but I only have a month to go and don’t want to switch in a month) but I realized I don’t actually have cash to ride the bus in the morning.

I am, however, going out in the afternoon with a friend. I have no idea what we’re doing. She suggested getting lunch, but that’s not happening. Also, while I’m looking forward to spending time with her, I’m also sort of dreading it because my head’s in a bad place right now and she’s anorexic (in recovery, but still very much underweight) and is much thinner than I. But I’m determined not to isolate.

So, hopefully to bed at a reasonable time tonight, up at a reasonable time in the morning, workout, meds, maybe food, shower, maybe study, then social time.

More information on inpatient

I just got a call from the behavioral health guy. He called up my insurance and they want me to do the PHP at the eating disorder center where I was before, and stay in their housing, so I would have 24/7 support.

I’m ok with this. I would much rather do that than inpatient at a hospital. Plus, I already know the staff and am comfortable there.

I called them, and I go in next week for an intake evaluation. I’ll keep you updated as I know anything.

Muffin Top

I hate my stomach. I have a muffin top. I always have a muffin top. It’s not because of pants that are too tight, it’s just how my body holds onto fat. Unless I am drastically underweight, I have one.

I look down and I see it, and I hate my body for storing it there. I hate my genetics for deciding this is how I look. I hate myself for not being able to get rid of it.

Even when I would do 1,000 crunches every day, when I did planks and situps and dozens of ab and core workouts obsessively, it didn’t help.

I find myself at night grabbing at the fat on my stomach and squeezing it and wishing I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.

Breaking the fast

So I ate! Ugh…

I ate 9 pieces of candy (Reese’s Pieces) and now I feel so sick. Pure sugar was NOT the best idea to eat after not eating for a few days. I feel like I might be sick. -____-

 

Inpatient?

So, my friend B picked me up this morning and took me to my behavioral health appointment. The appointment went ok, but he told me something I wasn’t expecting to hear.

“You have a severe eating disorder, and I think you need to do inpatient.”

First of all, I don’t think of my eating disorder as being “severe”. Yes, I clearly have a problem, but severe?

Second, inpatient? My treatment team at the ED center had wanted me to do partial hospitalization, but being told I need inpatient was hard for some reason.

Is my eating disorder really that bad? It doesn’t feel like it.

Also, I just don’t want to do inpatient. That would mean losing all my freedom, and having every sliver of normalcy I have at the moment stripped away. It would mean being told not only when and what and how much to eat for every meal, but where to be and what to be doing for every moment of every day.

However, when he asked me right out if I would do inpatient if he set it up, I said I would.

So, he is going to look into finding a placement for me and getting it approved by my insurance. All I have to do is wait for his call telling me when and where to go.

Someone (me) is a little bit (lot) nervous.