The Strange Silence

I’m still not eating. I’ve accepted it at this point. I’ve embraced it.

It feels like a calm, cloudy day. One of those days when it’s abnormally silent. I’m not sure how to describe it. A sweet calm.

Unfortunately, I’m also struggling to consume water. Not only that, but to have the desire to drink water.

In other news, I didn’t go out today. The friend I was supposed to go out with this afternoon wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t actually have bus money to get to that support group. I need to pull out some cash.

I also slept until noon today. I think probably because I was awake most of the night running to the bathroom. Thank you, laxatives, and thank you, me, for taking so many yesterday during my little freak out.

My alarm went off this morning and I was so tired that I didn’t even stay awake long enough to reset it. When I did finally get up, I exercised, took laxatives (I know…), took my meds (yay!), took my diet pills (shhh…), then spent several hours in pain and nausea, still feeling the effects of yesterday’s laxative debacle.

I eventually found a position where, if I held really still, it almost didn’t hurt. I took it easy on the laxatives today.

Tomorrow I’m (in theory) hanging out with a different friend. I have zero idea what we’re doing. It’ll be nice to get out, but I’m also dreading it. I don’t know why it’s so hard to actually go out and do things when I know that I enjoy myself once I’m out.

I’m going to bed soon and hopefully I’ll be able to sleep pretty quickly. You would think that, with eating one meal (that was purged) in the last four days, I would be tired. However, I find myself having a harder and harder time falling asleep. It’s highly frustrating. There are fewer things I dislike more than lying awake at night trying to sleep.

Wish me luck!

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“Why do you take laxatives?”

I’ve been getting this question a lot lately. There are many risks associated with laxative abuse. Would you like to see the list? I’m going to share it with you anyway.

• Intestinal injury
• Melanosis coli
• Gastric bleeding
• Gastric ulceration
• Gastritis
• Esophagitis
• Bloating
• Abdominal pain, severe cramping
• Vomiting
• Gas
• Chronic constipation
• Chronic diarrhea
• Bowel tumors
• Irregular heartbeat
• Kidney damage
• Electrolyte imbalances
• Aggravation of hemorrhoids
• Colon failure
• Dehydration
• Pancreatitis
• Tremors
• Weakness
• Nausea
• Bowel incontince
• Ulceration of the bowel
• Fatty infiltration of the liver
• Irritable bowel syndrome
• Hypoalbuminemia, hypoproteinemia or calcium deficiency caused by malabsorption of nutrients, which can cause weakening and softening of the bones
• Shutting down of the immune system
• Organ damage
• Bowel tumors
• Palpitations
• Heart attack
• Death

Disturbance of electrolyte and mineral balances. Sodium, potassium, magnesium, and phosphorus are electrolytes and minerals that are present in very specific amounts necessary for proper functioning of the nerves and muscles, including those of the colon and heart. Upsetting this delicate balance can cause improper functioning of these vital organs.

Severe dehydration may cause tremors, weakness, blurry vision, fainting, kidney damage, and, in some cases, death. Dehydration often requires medical treatment.

Laxative dependency occurs when the colon stops reacting to usual doses of laxatives so that larger and larger amounts of laxatives may be needed to produce bowel movements.

Internal organ damage may result, including stretched or “lazy” colon, colon infection, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and liver damage. Chronic laxative abuse may contribute to risk of colon cancer.

 

Isn’t that lovely.

So why would anyone take this chance? Why would anyone subject themself to this? What on earth kind of motivation could there possibly be?

The exact reason is probably different for each person, but here are some of my reasons.

• They help me get rid of the food. Regardless of whether they eliminate any calories, they eliminate the food waste that’s inside me. I want it out. They do that.
• They help me feel empty and lighter. This feeling is addicting.
• It makes me feel like I’m “doing something” about the “problem”. Sometimes, I just need to feeling like I’m actively doing something about whatever is bugging me (having eaten, being fat, etc) and taking some pills right then helps me. I feel calmer and empowered.
• To reduce water weight. I understand that this causes dehydration, but I don’t want that water inside me. Don’t ask me why because I’m not really sure myself. I just “need” it not inside me.
• They speed up digestion. Whether this actually causes any fewer calories to be absorbed or not seems to be up for debate, but if I don’t take them, it can take days or even a week or two before what I eat exits. That’s just way too long. I want it to pass through me as quickly as possible.
• They make me feel clean. Knowing there aren’t feces inside my body makes me feel cleaner.

I feel like I had more reasons earlier when I was planning this, but they escape me now.

So, the next question, “Why do you continue to take laxatives even though you’re not eating anything?”

That is an excellent question, and I hadn’t actually considered why until I was asked. Partly for the water weight reason listed above and partly for the “doing something” reason. But also because when you’re addicted to something, it doesn’t really matter if there’s any logic to it. My brain just says, “take laxatives, now” and then I do. Like I said, I hadn’t even questioned it.

Please know that I am not in any way trying to justify my use of laxatives, just to explain some of the reasons why I take them.

Laxative abuse is dangerous and serious, and I wouldn’t want anyone else in the world to abuse them. Now if I could just convince myself it’s ok to stop taking them.

 

Bulimia explained in gifs (and other gifs from Psych)

Last night, I was looking for a gif of a specific scene from one of my favorite shows: Psych.

I didn’t find it, but I did find these.

 

Now ones that make me think of bulimia!

In which I can’t take my bedtime meds…

Because I took way too many laxatives today and am having severe stomach cramps and diarrhea.

Also, what you didn’t realize is that picture above is of me. I have the sexiest stomach cramps ever.

And now for a man with three buttocks. No, wait, I mean the TMI warning. I’m seriously considering just putting up a permanent TMI warning for my blog. By the way, I’m about to talk about poo.

Nausea and cramping aren’t the only things going on a la laxatives. (I don’t technically think that’s the correct way to use “a la” but it sounded nice in my head.) As often happens when I take too many, my pills from this morning were in there. That’s super useful.

Anyway, the pain and nausea are so bad that I’m afraid it’s going to be another night of uncontrollable vomiting. I really hope not. Like, really really hope not.

Please sleep instead, body. Please…