No more recovery

I informed my treatment friends and my counselor that I’m officially done with recovery for the moment.

I’m not ruling it out, I’m just not pursuing it right now.

I started taking laxatives again

Today.

I know I should be, but I’m very excited.

The last two times I abused laxatives, my parents searched my things, took them, and threw them away. Because I’m 15.

This time, I thought long and hard about how and where to find them and how not to be found out. Because that’s what people with eating disorders do, they just get more and more creative.

I also got an exercise bike.

I get I’m determined to make this relapse count.

I hadn’t put into word, but that definitely seems to be what I’m doing.

I didn’t have the energy to set it up in my room today, but hopefully this weekend I’ll get everything settled. I just need to get back into my clothes in the box in my closet labeled “too small”. Clothes I love, but can’t wear anymore. Clothes I’m not even close to fitting anymore.

But I will get back there.

How I buy clothes

I bought clothes last night. I desperately needed to, but I dread buying clothes. I do so less than once a year.

This is my method:

1. Go to the store during non-peak hours
2. Go straight to the area with the type of clothing I wish to buy, this time, summer dresses
3. Pull out every article that I might even remotely like and is around what size I think I might be this time, sometimes buying 2 or three sizes of the same thing just to be safe.
4. Go home and try everything on.
5. Sort things into “fits,” “slightly too small, need to lose weight,” and “too big or too small, return”.
6. May or may not get around to actually returning what’s too big or small.
7. Work hard to lose weight to be comfortable in the items that are just slightly too small.
8. ???
9. Profit

I also only wear loose/flowing skirts and dresses. I don’t wear pants unless absolutely necessary. Skirts and dresses work better for someone who’s weight is constantly fluctuating, in my opinion. Also, I’m far more comfortable in them. In pants, I feel like everyone is looking at my body, and that every fold and bulge and layer of fat shows. I can’t feel calm ever in pants. Wearing a comfy dress is like wearing a socially acceptable and fashionable blanket all the time.

Last night, I bought 5 new dresses that fit, 4 dresses that “fit” (other people think they fit, but I feel are too tight), and 2 that didn’t fit (one was too big, the other too small).

Now to lose enough to feel comfortable in the smaller dresses.

But, dammit, I can try

More hospital updates

It’s so nice to be home.

I have bruises all over both arms from IVs and blood draws. My left hand is very swollen from where my IV blew out. That was probably my fault.

My IV looked much like the one above. My left hand is my dominant hand, and also the one I purge with. I purged every meal while in the hospital. This meant unplugging the pump my IVs were going through from the wall, taking the whole pump with me to the bathroom, and purging with tubes in my hand. Because I’m brilliant.

Yesterday, I was given potassium pills because my potassium is low again. But they gave them to me as I was finishing my breakfast, so those were purged too.

They gave me more later. The nurse asked if I was making myself sick (my history of bulimia is in my file) and I was honest with her. I got a couple lectures and concerned talks from various staff about that.

Both arms have bruises all over them. It took 8 pokes and 4 staff to get my initial IV in. I was then poked 2-4 times daily for blood draws, and a few more times when they had to move my IV. The spot of my second IV alone left me with a 3 inch bruise.

Right when I was supposed to be released, we had a tornado warning. A large tornado was spotted in the area, and they locked down the hospital. All the patients were moved to the hallways and all the doors closed.

As soon as it passed, my dad drove me home. It was still storming pretty badly.

Naturally, when I got home, I took it easy and relaxed.

No, wait, that other thing. I went shopping, then binged and purged.