“I’m helping”

My ex (we were together for two and a half years) has taken to sending me pictures of the food he’s eating. The picture above is the most recent.

I’m not sure what his reason is. He knows I’m struggling, so I think it might be his way of trying to help. Like a “look, I’m eating, you can too!” But I honestly just don’t want to talk about food or what I’m eating, so I usually just ask him if he enjoyed it, or change the subject.

Today was long and rough. I haven’t exercised today and I don’t know if I will tonight. I am utterly exhausted. I took a 3 hour nap earlier and didn’t want to get up after. I may go to bed soon.

I didn’t hear from the eating disorder clinic today like I was supposed to. I left a message this afternoon and didn’t hear back. *sigh*

Tomorrow morning is my rescheduled meeting with the behavioral health guy. I’m debating whether I should tell him the disturbing thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain.

I think I’ll go lie down now.

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I just got a call from the behavioral health guy. He called up my insurance and they want me to do the PHP at the eating disorder center where I was before, and stay in their housing, so I would have 24/7 support.

I’m ok with this. I would much rather do that than inpatient at a hospital. Plus, I already know the staff and am comfortable there.

I called them, and I go in next week for an intake evaluation. I’ll keep you updated as I know anything.

Inpatient?

So, my friend B picked me up this morning and took me to my behavioral health appointment. The appointment went ok, but he told me something I wasn’t expecting to hear.

“You have a severe eating disorder, and I think you need to do inpatient.”

First of all, I don’t think of my eating disorder as being “severe”. Yes, I clearly have a problem, but severe?

Second, inpatient? My treatment team at the ED center had wanted me to do partial hospitalization, but being told I need inpatient was hard for some reason.

Is my eating disorder really that bad? It doesn’t feel like it.

Also, I just don’t want to do inpatient. That would mean losing all my freedom, and having every sliver of normalcy I have at the moment stripped away. It would mean being told not only when and what and how much to eat for every meal, but where to be and what to be doing for every moment of every day.

However, when he asked me right out if I would do inpatient if he set it up, I said I would.

So, he is going to look into finding a placement for me and getting it approved by my insurance. All I have to do is wait for his call telling me when and where to go.

Someone (me) is a little bit (lot) nervous.

I can’t even think of a title…

I still haven’t been able to eat anything.

I am getting some water down, and I remembered to take my meds today, which is good.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night, so I got up at 6am after trying for hours to sleep. I had been wanting to cut, this seems to come up more when I’m sleep deprived, so I grabbed a coloring book and my colored pencils and colored for a bit while I listened to The Wonder Years on Netflix.

After everyone else woke up, I went and used my bike until I thought I couldn’t pedal anymore, and then made myself keep going. Afterward I took a shower. It’s a good thing there’s a bench in my shower, or I wouldn’t have made it, my legs were like liquid.

I have taken both weight loss pills and laxatives today, but I’m feeling pretty good.

On a positive note, I told a friend about my ride situation and she offered to take me to my behavioral health appointment in the morning. I’m very relieved. I know that I need to go tomorrow, and if I had to reschedule, I’m not sure I’d work up the strength to go.

In other news, my x-rays are scheduled for next Thursday to see whether or not I have rheumatoid arthritis. I’m looking forward to that just so I can find out one way or the other.

I need to study today. I’m scared of failing my classes. I just can’t seem to get myself to actually do it. I also want to exercise again before I go to bed. Hopefully I can actually sleep tonight.

I feel like there’s more I want to write, more I want to express, but I can’t seem to actually form it into anything.

Good news, bad news?

So, I’ll start with the not exciting news.

I got a call from my rheumatologist. Based on my symptoms and recent lab work, she believes I might have rheumatoid arthritis. I need to go in for some x-rays to know for sure. If I don’t have it now, I’m at high risk to develop it, she says.

This is kind of scary.

Now for the exciting news!
I got a call from my case worker for my insurance and learned that the company they go through for behavioral health has changed. I called them, and they said I should have the eating disorder center resubmit a request for treatment and that I might have a good shot at getting covered for more time.

I should know something sometime next week. Please pray and hope with me. While I decided that I can’t do the recovery thing right now, that’s because I can’t do just outpatient right now. It’s simply not a high enough level of care. Especially coming from the IOP and having that cut short. But if I can get approved for more time, or (I’m afraid to even hope for this) PHP, I really believe I can make some progress.

So, there’s my news. I’ll know more about both in the upcoming weeks and I’ll keep you informed.

“Describe your current emotion in one word”

In the intensive outpatient program, when we came in each day we had to check in, part of which was putting a word (or more) to our current emotion. We would also check in after eating with our emotions and feelings.

My emotions were usually things like frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious, guilt, shame, defiant, mischievous, numb, etc.

This afternoon, I am feeling hopeful.

This morning, I was required to meet with someone at the county Behavioral Health Center. This was a stipulation of being released from the hospital on Friday evening, and if I didn’t go, there was the possibility of having to go back to the hospital.

I was dreading it. I almost didn’t go. My alarm went off an hour before I needed to leave, I stayed in bed for another 45 minutes. Then, at the last moment, I decided I needed to go and just do it.

I brushed my hair back into a messy bun (I didn’t even brush out my hair, just brushed it back), threw on some clothes, and left. It took about half an hour to get there, and I was anxious the whole way there.

When I got there, it was filled with homeless-looking people, others who looked like they didn’t know what day it was, and a few well-dressed individuals. It was a strange mix. I texted a friend, telling her how uncomfortable I was.

After about 10 minutes, my assigned counselor called me back. He has beautiful, curly hair. I had thought of lying and just answering like a “normal” person, but when I got back to his office, I decided this was time wasted if I wasn’t honest, and also something in me does want to get better.

I was honest. I was brutally honest.

At the end of the 2 hour intake meeting, he told me that he believes he can help me find options to continue treatment for my bulimia, help me get my own place, and help me get supplemental income until I’m well enough, both mentally and physically, to enter the work force full time again. I almost cried.

I’ve tried finding resources like this so many times. I’ve asked many people and no one had any answers for me. I can’t express the relief. The hope.

Update: I’m home!

So, Wednesday morning I went to the ER feeling suicidal. Wednesday was terrible and long. Their response was to put a guard by my room and then ignore me for 12 hours.

Leaving a suicidal person alone for 12 hours with absolutely nothing to do is not helpful.

I got really anxious and almost tried walking out several times.

Around 7pm, they brought me dinner. I ate a small portion of it, then went to the bathroom and purged.

Still feeling very anxious, I broke the plastic fork and started cutting.

At 7:45pm, my nurse (who I hadn’t seen all day) came and saw that I had cut and took everything out of the room.

Four hours before that, I had taken my IV out because it was hurting me and I couldn’t get anyone to come and check it.

I stayed in the ER until nearly midnight, then I was transferred to a hospital with a psych ward. Oh, excuse me, I meant Behavioral Health Wing.

When I arrived, they checked all my belongings in and gave me scrubs to wear. They did a skin check, which meant standing naked in front of two nurses while they checked for injuries, rashes, etc.

After paperwork and vitals, I was shown my room. I tossed and turned for a couple hours until the night nurse offered me some ambien.

Yesterday, I woke up with a migraine. I saw the doctor, psychiatrist, occupational therapist, nutritionist, etc, etc. Between these meetings, I slept and tried to rid myself of the migraine.

The program has seven groups throughout the day, 3 meals, and 2 snacks. I didn’t participate in any of those. I tried one group yesterday afternoon, but it was stupid and triggering.

I didn’t eat at all while I was there, and it didn’t seem to be a big deal. I was offered Ensure several times, but it wasn’t forced.

The staff also seemed like they had no idea how to handle someone with an eating disorder. For example, the medication nurse said to me, after asking whether I’d eaten yet, “I wishI didn’t want to eat. I sometimes throw away food so I don’t eat it. Like ice cream and brownies and stuff. And I run 5 miles a day.”

That’s nice, lady. Please just give me my meds and stop talking.

The woman who ran the one group I tried kept talking about weight loss and how she needed/wanted to lose weight.

All the staff were like that.

I didn’t really interact with any of the other patients. I spent most of my time avoiding meals and avoiding the staff and patients. There was one lady with short, red hair. The color was gorgeous. One guy was anorexic, and he was beautiful.

One patient had bipolar, but I have no idea what most of them were there for.

Not much exiting happened while I was there, but I did determine I am too fat to recover (thank you, staff, for that) and that next time I’m suicidal, I’m not telling anyone because I am NOT doing that again.

I did get diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by the psychiatrist. I’m still not sure how I feel about that.

Well, I think that’s all.

I have an appointment with a county behavioral health specialist on Monday. We’ll see how that goes. At the moment, I’m just not planning to continue recovery for my bulimia.