Getting back on track, but terrified

All I do right now is binge and purge. I can’t even do my schoolwork because I’m too busy binging and purging. I can’t get myself to stop the cycle. So, it looks like I’ll be going back into the evening intensive outpatient program. Assuming, of course, my insurance will cover another round of EIOP this year. I have an appointment to get medical clearance next week and also an intake assessment. I’m going to do it, because I know I need the help right now. However, I’m scared to go back into the program. Scared of eating without purging, scared of putting in the work, scared of facing my feelings.

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The best news, the best timing

I just got wonderful news! If you’ve been around a while, you may remember that a few months back I applied to volunteer at the local children’s hospital. Today I was notified they need people to go and rock their “medically fragile” babies! I have an interview on Monday to be a volunteer. I’m so excited! This is exactly what I needed. This is the perfect timing. I have something bright to look forward to. I feel happy for the first time in a week. I hope, so hope, that they let me volunteer holding the babies.

New Therapist Tomorrow

Tomorrow I see my new eating disorder therapist. While I hate starting with new therapists, my last therapist gave me the tip to write up a sheet with a brief history of my eating disorder and my treatment goals so I don’t have to rehash everything all over again, I can just answer any specific questions my new therapist may have.

Eating has been going ok the last few days. I’ve been purging all my food, though. I’m really struggling. I had to really think about my treatment goals and think about whether I really want treatment right now. Like it has been so often, part of me does and part of me doesn’t.

Treatment Pursuit

This image was in my Facebook news feed this morning.

I have turned in my assessment forms for the eating disorder clinic. I have an intake appointment set up for next week, and a doctor appointment next week so my doctor can clear me for treatment. Things are moving forward. I just hope my insurance approves treatment and the clinic admits me. I need help. I can’t do this on my own anymore.

loveme challenge day 2

I can’t actually insert a photo of myself. Anonymity on this blog is the only thing that lets me post honestly here. Instead, I’m going to share a quote I saw on another blog that I felt fit me well.

Doom and Hope

 

 

I was just informed I start PHP tomorrow morning. I’m having a mild freak out.

I’m hopeful. Hopeful that php will be helpful and that I’ll be able to do what I need to do for recovery. But everything about doing PHP is scaring the shit out of me right now. And it’s all so very little notice.

Just a glimmer

So there is a slim chance I won’t be dropped from my classes. It’s minute, but it’s still a chance. Wish me luck. 

More information on inpatient

I just got a call from the behavioral health guy. He called up my insurance and they want me to do the PHP at the eating disorder center where I was before, and stay in their housing, so I would have 24/7 support.

I’m ok with this. I would much rather do that than inpatient at a hospital. Plus, I already know the staff and am comfortable there.

I called them, and I go in next week for an intake evaluation. I’ll keep you updated as I know anything.

Good news, bad news?

So, I’ll start with the not exciting news.

I got a call from my rheumatologist. Based on my symptoms and recent lab work, she believes I might have rheumatoid arthritis. I need to go in for some x-rays to know for sure. If I don’t have it now, I’m at high risk to develop it, she says.

This is kind of scary.

Now for the exciting news!
I got a call from my case worker for my insurance and learned that the company they go through for behavioral health has changed. I called them, and they said I should have the eating disorder center resubmit a request for treatment and that I might have a good shot at getting covered for more time.

I should know something sometime next week. Please pray and hope with me. While I decided that I can’t do the recovery thing right now, that’s because I can’t do just outpatient right now. It’s simply not a high enough level of care. Especially coming from the IOP and having that cut short. But if I can get approved for more time, or (I’m afraid to even hope for this) PHP, I really believe I can make some progress.

So, there’s my news. I’ll know more about both in the upcoming weeks and I’ll keep you informed.

“Describe your current emotion in one word”

In the intensive outpatient program, when we came in each day we had to check in, part of which was putting a word (or more) to our current emotion. We would also check in after eating with our emotions and feelings.

My emotions were usually things like frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious, guilt, shame, defiant, mischievous, numb, etc.

This afternoon, I am feeling hopeful.

This morning, I was required to meet with someone at the county Behavioral Health Center. This was a stipulation of being released from the hospital on Friday evening, and if I didn’t go, there was the possibility of having to go back to the hospital.

I was dreading it. I almost didn’t go. My alarm went off an hour before I needed to leave, I stayed in bed for another 45 minutes. Then, at the last moment, I decided I needed to go and just do it.

I brushed my hair back into a messy bun (I didn’t even brush out my hair, just brushed it back), threw on some clothes, and left. It took about half an hour to get there, and I was anxious the whole way there.

When I got there, it was filled with homeless-looking people, others who looked like they didn’t know what day it was, and a few well-dressed individuals. It was a strange mix. I texted a friend, telling her how uncomfortable I was.

After about 10 minutes, my assigned counselor called me back. He has beautiful, curly hair. I had thought of lying and just answering like a “normal” person, but when I got back to his office, I decided this was time wasted if I wasn’t honest, and also something in me does want to get better.

I was honest. I was brutally honest.

At the end of the 2 hour intake meeting, he told me that he believes he can help me find options to continue treatment for my bulimia, help me get my own place, and help me get supplemental income until I’m well enough, both mentally and physically, to enter the work force full time again. I almost cried.

I’ve tried finding resources like this so many times. I’ve asked many people and no one had any answers for me. I can’t express the relief. The hope.