All I do right now is binge and purge. I can’t even do my schoolwork because I’m too busy binging and purging. I can’t get myself to stop the cycle. So, it looks like I’ll be going back into the evening intensive outpatient program. Assuming, of course, my insurance will cover another round of EIOP this year. I have an appointment to get medical clearance next week and also an intake assessment. I’m going to do it, because I know I need the help right now. However, I’m scared to go back into the program. Scared of eating without purging, scared of putting in the work, scared of facing my feelings.
I just got wonderful news! If you’ve been around a while, you may remember that a few months back I applied to volunteer at the local children’s hospital. Today I was notified they need people to go and rock their “medically fragile” babies! I have an interview on Monday to be a volunteer. I’m so excited! This is exactly what I needed. This is the perfect timing. I have something bright to look forward to. I feel happy for the first time in a week. I hope, so hope, that they let me volunteer holding the babies.
Tomorrow I see my new eating disorder therapist. While I hate starting with new therapists, my last therapist gave me the tip to write up a sheet with a brief history of my eating disorder and my treatment goals so I don’t have to rehash everything all over again, I can just answer any specific questions my new therapist may have.
Eating has been going ok the last few days. I’ve been purging all my food, though. I’m really struggling. I had to really think about my treatment goals and think about whether I really want treatment right now. Like it has been so often, part of me does and part of me doesn’t.
This image was in my Facebook news feed this morning.
I have turned in my assessment forms for the eating disorder clinic. I have an intake appointment set up for next week, and a doctor appointment next week so my doctor can clear me for treatment. Things are moving forward. I just hope my insurance approves treatment and the clinic admits me. I need help. I can’t do this on my own anymore.
I can’t actually insert a photo of myself. Anonymity on this blog is the only thing that lets me post honestly here. Instead, I’m going to share a quote I saw on another blog that I felt fit me well.
I was just informed I start PHP tomorrow morning. I’m having a mild freak out.
I’m hopeful. Hopeful that php will be helpful and that I’ll be able to do what I need to do for recovery. But everything about doing PHP is scaring the shit out of me right now. And it’s all so very little notice.
So there is a slim chance I won’t be dropped from my classes. It’s minute, but it’s still a chance. Wish me luck.