So they say

I have trouble remembering this for myself, believing it, and allowing it.

Coffee, coffee, coffee

My brother made a pot of coffee before leaving for work…and didn’t drink any of it. I’m trying not to drink the whole pot.

“Describe your current emotion in one word”

In the intensive outpatient program, when we came in each day we had to check in, part of which was putting a word (or more) to our current emotion. We would also check in after eating with our emotions and feelings.

My emotions were usually things like frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious, guilt, shame, defiant, mischievous, numb, etc.

This afternoon, I am feeling hopeful.

This morning, I was required to meet with someone at the county Behavioral Health Center. This was a stipulation of being released from the hospital on Friday evening, and if I didn’t go, there was the possibility of having to go back to the hospital.

I was dreading it. I almost didn’t go. My alarm went off an hour before I needed to leave, I stayed in bed for another 45 minutes. Then, at the last moment, I decided I needed to go and just do it.

I brushed my hair back into a messy bun (I didn’t even brush out my hair, just brushed it back), threw on some clothes, and left. It took about half an hour to get there, and I was anxious the whole way there.

When I got there, it was filled with homeless-looking people, others who looked like they didn’t know what day it was, and a few well-dressed individuals. It was a strange mix. I texted a friend, telling her how uncomfortable I was.

After about 10 minutes, my assigned counselor called me back. He has beautiful, curly hair. I had thought of lying and just answering like a “normal” person, but when I got back to his office, I decided this was time wasted if I wasn’t honest, and also something in me does want to get better.

I was honest. I was brutally honest.

At the end of the 2 hour intake meeting, he told me that he believes he can help me find options to continue treatment for my bulimia, help me get my own place, and help me get supplemental income until I’m well enough, both mentally and physically, to enter the work force full time again. I almost cried.

I’ve tried finding resources like this so many times. I’ve asked many people and no one had any answers for me. I can’t express the relief. The hope.