I saw this on Instagram and oh, how relevant. I really struggle with water restriction as well as food restriction so it’s hard for me to get any water in at all, and I never get enough in. I was awake all night with insomnia, and I ate green beans at 4am, which I promptly purged. I’m a wreck. And I wonder why I have a migraine that won’t go away.
I’ve reached the point of restriction where I become very calm. I don’t think it’s because my demons have gone away, rather I think it’s because I have too little energy to be anything other than calm, flat, emotionless, zen. I have hardly moved today. I sat on my sofa and took a final exam, then I sat on my sofa and watched Christmas movies. I haven’t even used the bathroom today because I’m severely dehydrated. I don’t think I’ve left my couch since I got up this morning. I just don’t have the energy. I frankly, I just don’t care. I don’t anticipate moving until I go to bed. I look forward to sleeping. It seems so welcoming. When I’m eating well, I hate sleeping because I have too much I want to do, too much to get done to sleep. Now, I just have Christmas movies and sleep because I have no energy for anything else. I’m ok with this. Like I said, I have reached my zen.
I was looking at my Christmas tree earlier. It has candy canes on it. I wanted to taste a candy cane. Not eat it, just taste it. But I didn’t have the energy to cross the room to get one, and I’m too afraid the sugar will digest in my mouth and I’ll consume calories by licking it. I like being completely calorie-less. Maybe I won’t go back to treatment. They want me to eat there. I don’t want to ever eat again.
I’m in treatment, but I’m struggling. I haven’t been eating outside of treatment meals, which is dinner and HS snack Monday-Thursday. Before I started treatment, I was binging and purging all day long and I went back to the EIOP to help get that under control. Well, I have for the most part. And for a week or two, I mostly followed my meal plan. But as I’ve explained to dietitians in the past, following a meal plan feels like restricting, which triggers me to restrict more and more. And that’s exactly what has happened. To the point where I’m just not eating at all outside of program.
I dream about food every time I sleep. I’ve taken to watching Food Network. Right now, they’re playing Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives back-to-back. The food looks amazing. And I know my body is hungry, but I can’t bring myself to eat. Nor do I actually feel hungry. Or maybe I do and I’m ignoring it hard enough. I’m not sure. I’m definitely not focusing on my finals the way I should be. Today I took a nap because I just kept thinking about eating but I knew I couldn’t let myself eat, so I took a nap to take up a couple hours of time where I wouldn’t have to think about it, or feel weak and in pain. I dreamed I ate all kinds of things. Luckily, I didn’t actually eat any of those things.
I can’t get warm. It’s 36 degrees outside, but I have the heat on. Even with the heat, a jacket, slippers, and gloves, I’m still cold. I’m listless. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m so bored. Nothing sounds interesting. I just watch the food on the tv and long for what I won’t let myself have. What I can’t have. What I don’t deserve. I want it all. All at one time. And that scares me. And now I’m just rambling.
I’ve noticed an unfortunate trend in myself the last several days. I’ve been thinking to myself, I have 3 more weeks of program, then I can stop following the meal plan. Or. I have 3 more weeks of program, then I can go back to restricting, but I won’t binge and purge anymore. And I’m perfectly ok with thinking these thoughts. I justify them. I tell myself how much better I’m doing now than I was 7 weeks ago and that this means it’s ok to “restrict a little” when I finish the program. After all, I mostly wanted to stop the constant binging and purging, and I’ve gone 2 whole weeks without doing that. I could probably go the rest of my lifetime, right? I will never again slip up, even if I stop following my meal plan, even if I go back to restricting, I’m sure I can keep those behaviors at bay now.
Also, the last couple of days, I have been contemplating halving my meal plan. If it says 3 proteins, I’ll eat 1 and a half. If it says 2 starches, I’ll eat 1. I haven’t done it, but I’m justifying in my head why it would be ok. And I have a feeling the longer I continue to justify it, the more likely I will be to actually do it, even while still in the program. Besides, it’s not like they care if I restrict. I’m fat, so it’s not a problem for me. This is the vibe I get from my therapist. Just like I can’t have a problem with exercise. She knows I workout at least twice a day, and she commended me for it. Thanks. She didn’t bother to ask what my motivation for working out is, whether it’s compulsive, whether it’s increased since I stopped purging, I can’t have problems with exercise or restriction because I don’t fit into a certain mold. Well, fine, my eating disorder loves that, and uses that to justify all sorts of things.
So yes, I am having a problem with justifying. I know it’s going to get me into trouble. The problem is, I sort of want that.
My psychiatrist wants me to start keeping an art journal of my eating disorder behavior urges. Today I’ve been wanting to restrict, so I tried to put it into a picture. On the left side is a body surrounded by spiky red and black lines. The red line is a deep self-hatred for my body  that entirely encompasses me. The black like is the oppressive feeling the self-hatred gives me. The black arrows signify how the lines feel like they’re closing in on me. The dotted arrow shows that these feelings lead me to the thought of restriction and that I shouldn’t eat. I want my body to go away and the only way I know to make that happen is to stop eating.
Last night I bought some spiced apple cider last night. Today is day 4, so I am having 300 calories today. Theoretically.
The cider is 130 calories for a cup. I can have 2 cups for 260 calories, or I can have one cup for 130 calories and a 170 calorie salad. I’m not sure yet which I’ll do.
Yesterday I went to the library! I’d never been to this library before. I didn’t even know it existed until late Friday night. They’re only open until 5pm on Saturdays and I normally get up between 1-3pm, so that doesn’t leave a lot of time to walk to the library and back, so I set my alarm for an “early” noon.
Yesterday afternoon, I got up, dawdled a little on my 3DS and phone, took a shower, and left.
I had already planned on yesterday being a fasting day before I knew about the library, and I didn’t alter that plan when I decided to go to the library. I also didn’t have any water before I left, and ended up walking during the hottest part of the day. Yeah, I’m brilliant.
The walk there didn’t actually phase me. I had planned to look around, maybe sit and read for a little bit, and then walk home. However, come to find out, this library was tiny. On top of that, it was FULL. With no place to sit down and feeling sort of out of place, I grabbed 2 books randomly from their very small fantasy collection, and the only Star Wars novel I could find.
I checked out, grabbed a drink from the water fountain, and left.
I only made it about a third of the way home (the walk is about an hour) before I was having difficulty breathing and was feeling like I was going to pass out. I found a shaded hill and sat down for a couple minutes.
For the rest of the walk, I felt extremely weak and dizzy, constantly on the brink of passing out. However, I don’t have phone service anymore, so I couldn’t even call anyone. I had to sit down again when I was about 15 minutes from home. I almost fell into the street just trying to sit.
Getting up that second time, I got tangled in my ankle-length dress trying to stand. As soon as I was upright, I had to lean against that wall next to the sidewalk so as not to fall. That last leg was brutal. I am sure I looked drunk, I was swaying and just struggling to stay upright.
Finally, I reached my street. Just one more hill (luckily down hill) and I was home.
As I crossed the street to my block, a police office pulled up to the intersection. I was seriously tempted to ask him to drive me the half block to my house.
Once inside, I kicked off my shoes and collapsed on my dad’s bed (it’s closer than mine, and underneath the air conditioning unit) and lay there for about 20 minutes until I could see properly again.
On the plus side, my legs were fine. Despite the fact that I haven’t taken a 2 hour walk in quite some time, all my biking has paid off. However, my body really does not appreciate the not eating, not drinking water, etc.
Too bad. It’d better get used to it. I’m determined to go back to restricting. I’m sick and tired of bulimia.
I loved steamed cabbage. I don’t like raw cabbage at all, but steam that stuff and I love it!
Today is my 200 calorie day. I’ve been trying to spread my calories out into two (or three on the 800 day) meals so I don’t feel like I’m binging, because that triggers me to get into a binge and purge cycle. Since I only have 200 calories today, and limited food resources, separating it into 2 meals is difficult.
Therefore, for my first meal, I had a couple cups of steamed cabbage. It’s like a warm, delicious salad without any of the stuff that adds calories. 44 calories. Woot!
While I was preparing it, my mom asked, “You measure your cabbage??”
Yes. How else will I know how many calories I’m eating? I didn’t say that. I just said yes, and went about making my cabbage.
I’m so jealous.
Yesterday morning, I went to get my x-rays. The x-ray technician was pleasant and funny, so that was nice.
Afterward, I came home and took a nap. Then, my dad and I went to Pizza Hut for their lunch buffet. My dad really likes their buffet. I tried a couple bites of a few things, but I wasn’t impressed. I ate a salad. I do like salad. Then I came home and purged, took laxatives and diet pills, and exercised. Then I took another nap.
In the afternoon, I went to the laundromat and washed clothes. I passed out at one point and hit something, shaving the skin off the knuckle of my right hand.
When I got home from laundry, I was really sick and weak, so I lay down again and slept for a few hours. I had planned to sleep for the night because I was just over the day and not feeling well. However, around 9pm, my mom called me saying she bought me dinner.
I was not a happy bunny. I hate being surprised with food. I feel guilty if I don’t eat it and I feel guilty if I do.
So, I ate it. It made me REALLY sick and I couldn’t finish it. I purged it, naturally.
After my new normal routine of purging, laxatives, diet pills, and working out, I watched So You Think You Can Dance, then went to bed for the night. Thankfully, I slept really well.
Today has been pretty low key. I ate and purged some cereal (apparently my restricting is over) and took my pills. Soon I’ll be going over to my brothers’ for the weekend, and I’m meeting a friend in the morning for breakfast.
a2eternity 