Back in the saddle again

Wow, it’s been a couple months since I posted last! I’ve been SUPER busy with school. My human anatomy and physiology class in particular is trying to kick my butt!

I’ve been in recovery limbo the last couple months. Issue with my insurance kept me from starting the evening intensive outpatient program like my psychiatrist wanted me to do after I left my ex and started spending all my free time binging and purging. School has helped reduce my binge/purge episodes, but I’m still struggling. Last week, my psychiatrist wrote a letter to my insurance company, and this week they FINALLY approved me to start the EIOP. So, Monday I will be starting back at the EIOP. I’m dreading it, and I have no idea how I’m going to get all my schoolwork done, but I know I need this right now.

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The Waiting Game

I had my intake assessment for the PHP/EIOP at the eating disorder center this morning. It went pretty much as expected, I’ve been through it before. The worst part is just now waiting. The intake coordinator I met with this morning meets with her team on Tuesday morning to go over new intakes, so she said I’ll hear from her Tuesday or Wednesday of next week with their recommendation as to which program. I don’t know when I’ll hear about whether insurance will approve a higher level of care.

I’m trying hard to work on my own to cut down on my binging and purging because of my diabetes diagnosis yesterday, but I’m not having a lot of luck so far. However, I’m going to keep trying. And hopefully I get into the partial hospitalization program or evening intensive outpatient program to help out.

Lack of motivation

I went to bed early last night. Partly because I was up all weekend playing video games and drinking with my brothers, and partly because I just didn’t know what else to do. Today, I should be working on school, but I’m not. This afternoon I should be going to treatment, but I don’t want to. I could be knitting, but I just don’t have the motivation for anything. I barely got through a shower. And I had to really work up to taking it. And only because I knew I actually can’t skip treatment tonight because it could jeopardize my insurance coverage. If I wasn’t going anywhere (like I want) I wouldn’t have showered. I stayed in bed 2 hours late. I haven’t eaten today. I’m considering taking a nap, just to pass time.

Treatment Pursuit

This image was in my Facebook news feed this morning.

I have turned in my assessment forms for the eating disorder clinic. I have an intake appointment set up for next week, and a doctor appointment next week so my doctor can clear me for treatment. Things are moving forward. I just hope my insurance approves treatment and the clinic admits me. I need help. I can’t do this on my own anymore.

Wish me luck

The other eating disorder clinic emailed me their assessment forms just now. I need to fill them out and return them, and get medically cleared by my doctor. I’m not looking forward to this. Eating disorder assessment forms mean dredging up everything from your past, plus a lot of tedium as you have to fill out all the little details of your eating disorder. But I got this far, I’m going to do this. Wish me luck that they both will admit me, and my insurance will approve it.

Punch in the gut

I just got a call back from the eating disorder clinic. They no longer accept my insurance. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. It took a lot to get up the courage just to contact them, and now they can’t help me.

Fibromyalgia’s a bitch

I ran out of fibromyalgia meds about a week ago and since my insurance dropped me I can’t afford to get it refilled. The pain is very bad tonight. It keeps waking me up. I just want to sleep. It hurts so much.

3 months

I’ve been in treatment for over 3 months now. I’m so sick of it. I just want my insurance to kick out so I can stop…

One more week, or not at all

Right now, my insurance has approved me through tomorrow. My team wants me to stay one more week, so I’ll find out tomorrow whether that’ll be approved. I’m ok with either outcome.

On the one hand, I’m exhausted. The last 2 months have been productive and so helpful, but HARD. If I’m not approved for more time, I’ll be ok stepping down to EIOP.

One the other, more time would be helpful, and I recognize that. I will gladly stay if given the time. Luckily, eiop has already been approved, so I won’t be leaving treatment altogether, I’ll still have support. If I can do eiop for a while, whether that’s a few weeks or a few months, I think I can really, finally, do recovery.

I’m in a good place of mind most of the time. I know the transition will be hard, but I have confidence I can do it despite the difficulty.

Transitioning

This upcoming Wednesday, I’ll have been in partial hospitalization for a month. While I don’t feel ready, I have orientation for intensive outpatient on Monday, just to be ready in case my insurance doesn’t approve anymore time in PHP.

I feel overwhelmed and nervous and, like I said, not ready at all. However, I doubt I will ever feel ready. I think I’ll have to step down with the feeling of unreadiness. If I stayed in PHP another month, I probably still wouldn’t feel ready to step down to EIOP.