This is the scenario I was presented in an exercise on https://mystrength.com, a site my counselor suggested.
It was crazy reading this because change a few of the details and it’s the story of me. I was especially amazed by the jump from anxiety about a presentation to thoughts of quitting her job.
That’s so me.
I can recognize how silly it seems right now, but when I’m in that moment, it seems like the only logical conclusion.
So, my friend B picked me up this morning and took me to my behavioral health appointment. The appointment went ok, but he told me something I wasn’t expecting to hear.
“You have a severe eating disorder, and I think you need to do inpatient.”
First of all, I don’t think of my eating disorder as being “severe”. Yes, I clearly have a problem, but severe?
Second, inpatient? My treatment team at the ED center had wanted me to do partial hospitalization, but being told I need inpatient was hard for some reason.
Is my eating disorder really that bad? It doesn’t feel like it.
Also, I just don’t want to do inpatient. That would mean losing all my freedom, and having every sliver of normalcy I have at the moment stripped away. It would mean being told not only when and what and how much to eat for every meal, but where to be and what to be doing for every moment of every day.
However, when he asked me right out if I would do inpatient if he set it up, I said I would.
So, he is going to look into finding a placement for me and getting it approved by my insurance. All I have to do is wait for his call telling me when and where to go.
Someone (me) is a little bit (lot) nervous.
My appointment with my outpatient counselor didn’t go well.
Last week, I had told her that, because of my experience with the hospital this last time when I checked myself in for feeling suicidal, I would not tell anyone again.
Today, she basically said that she needed a commitment from me that I would tell her if I was feeling suicidal in order to work with me. I told her I guess we can’t work together.
So now it’s half past 9, we talked for 20 minutes and now it’s over and I’ve walked out of the center for the last time.
She mentioned that my insurance doesn’t want to pay for any more IOP, so outpatient is really my only option. I told her it was fine, I just won’t seek treatment right now.
I explained that outpatient just isn’t enough for me right now and that it just makes it harder. And since I can’t (won’t) commit to telling her when I’m feeling “unsafe” there’s no reason to continue. I left tge appointment early. We had talked the subject through and it was just getting awkward.
It was weird, leaving through those doors knowing I wouldn’t be back. I guess I had held onto a sliver of hope that somehow I could finish out the IOP. Now I know that hope is gone. Treatment for me is over. Officially, definitely, over.
I informed my treatment friends and my counselor that I’m officially done with recovery for the moment.
I’m not ruling it out, I’m just not pursuing it right now.
I saw a new counselor today. Since I’m switching to outpatient, I have to switch to an outpatient therapist. I feel like I’m starting over.
This was also the third time in a week I’ve had to go through the details of my eating disorder with a new person. (Once at the hospital, once with the county behavioral health guy, and again today)
My new counselor is ok. I didn’t instantly click with her like I did my IOP counselor, but we’ll just see how it goes. She gave me a lot of homework for this week. She also wants me to do some art this week. I don’t do any at home, only in art therapy, which I don’t have anymore.
I also (!!!) got my scale back!
Naturally, the first thing I did when I got home was weigh myself.
I ate 360 calories today, which I purged. It was really nice to have a break from binging and purging. I think my body and mind both needed that.
I understand that 360 calories is not enough, but I’m having a lot of trouble convincing myself that it’s ok to eat outside my binges, so at least it was something.
Tomorrow I am going over to my brothers’ place for the weekend. I am not looking forward to foodness. Especially since my family is having another picnic on Sunday. Bleh.