I added some pages

I added an about page and a contact page. So now, you can learn about me, and contact me! (I know you’re ridiculously excited about this.)

So I’ve been thinking…

After my post last night about issuing myself challenges, I lay in bed thinking for a very long time. Thinking about me, about my eating disorder, about my life right now, and about how something needs to change.

I can’t keep spending my days in a cycle of binging, purging, and laxatives. I’m getting NOTHING done, I’m exhausted, I have a migraine constantly, I’m perpetually dizzy, etc, etc, etc.

Also worrying me, I have started shaking a lot. Nearly constantly. And trying to do anything that requires fine motor skills (you know, important things like using my phone) is becoming harder and harder.

I have a doctor appointment next Monday morning, but I don’t know if there’s really anything my doctor can do for me while I’m so entangled in my behaviors. I was supposed to have an appointment on Friday morning with the county behavioral health guy, but I just found out (while writing this post) that my ride canceled. I guess I’ll be rescheduling.

I was going to to tell him on Friday how much I’m struggling and see if he has an ideas or resources for me. I just feel at the end of my rope. The news that I won’t be going on Friday doesn’t help any. I know I need to make a change, but I don’t know how. I want to stop taking the laxatives, but I can’t.

It’s 7:30pm and I haven’t eaten today. I started taking weight loss pills today. I can’t get myself to eat. It’s a refreshing change from binging and purging literally all day long. However, I know that it’s really not any better to go from that to eating absolutely nothing. But I just can’t eat.

I don’t even know why. Normally when I’m restricting, I have to fight myself not to binge and purge. Today, I have to fight myself just to drink water, let alone try to eat something. It’s just not happening.

I feel really numb and disconnected today. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not.

I’ve also noticed that I’ve been isolating a lot. I haven’t been going out with friends, and I also haven’t been texting or talking to them. I stopped answering my phone.

I did finally answer my phone today. I’m glad I did. I didn’t know how much I needed to connect with someone. However, despite that, I still disconnected. From both myself and others.

And dizzy. So dizzy.

I feel like I’m just rambling now. I had originally meant for this post to be about how I realized that I need to make a change but just don’t know how to do it. I really do feel lost. I am out of ideas, out of resources, and out of energy to fight anymore.

But for the first time in a while, I’m not giving up. I just don’t know where to go from here.

Challenge Accepted

I’m not sure why, but the last couple days, I’ve been issuing myself “bulimic challenges”.

I didn’t call them that until I went to write this post, but that’s essentially what they are. I’ll say to myself something like, “I’m going to try eat this whole box of cereal tonight” or “I wonder if I can eat that 5 pound jar of peanut butter in one sitting”.

Then I try.

I don’t know what started this, or what made my brain think this was a good idea. I didn’t even notice I was doing it at first. This is definitely a new thing for me.

I’m going to try to stay aware of it and stop doing it. The last thing I need right now is to be issuing myself dangerous food challenges.