Because Apparently I Don’t Learn

Back in August of last year, I bought a fitbit, but you didn’t hear much about it because I wasn’t able to keep it very long. Why? Before long I became obsessed with it. Obsessed with how many steps I was taking, how many hours I was active, how many calories I was burning. I obsessively tracked my food and water and sleep in my fitbit app daily. And at a time when I was already struggling, having just come out of treatment a month prior, I could see that it was having an unhealthy effect on me. So, I gave it to my sister, who I knew could handle it, who wouldn’t obsess, who would use it responsibly.

Well, Monday, I bought another one. Why? I’m not sure. I just really like numbers and stats and knowing things, I guess. I’ve been walking every day and I wanted to see how many steps I was taking. I wanted to see my heart rate when I exercise. I just wanted to know the stats. However, I’ve started inputting my food into the app again and of course it tells me how many calories I’m eating and that’s triggering. And the obvious answer is to just not enter my food into the app, but then there’s a line on my app that’s not filled in and it feels incomplete. Maybe I have a problem.

I don’t feel like I’m obsessed with the fitbit this time, but I worry that I might become so, just because I have addictive/obsessive tendencies. Today I set a high step goal to beat yesterday’s goal, but when I went for my walk, my ankle was hurting, so I only walked about a mile instead of the 5 I had planned. I’m trying to listen to my body and what it needs and how it’s feeling instead of just pushing myself, so that’s good, right? I think so. I think I can use my fitbit in a healthy, non-obsessive way this time. Here’s hoping.

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Feeling Down

I’m waiting at my doctor’s office for a physical assessment that’s required by the eating disorder clinic, that may not even matter since it doesn’t sound like they want to help me. But I’m determined to do whatever I can to show them I’m serious, so I’m here, waiting to be poked and prodded, have blood drawn and urine taken and tests done.

I hope it’s worth it.

Weary

I am tired. I am weary. I have been so busy this week. Between appointments, spending time at the hospital with my dad, treatment, pre-surgery stuff, helping out around the house, plus we have been going through our storage unit trying to get rid of as much as possible so we can stop paying an extra $200 a month on a storage unit to store a bunch of stuff we don’t need. That’s physically exhausting between the fibromyalgia and the rheumatoid arthritis. I woke up this morning fatigued, tired, ready to sleep another night. My body aches and my brain feels like cotton. I have another day of looking through boxes and moving furniture and then spending time with my dad at the hospital.

I’m grateful to be able to spend time at the hospital. But I feel guilty if I take time to myself because he’s there 24/7 alone, bored, restless, in pain. I know I need to take care of myself too, and I’m trying, but finding the right balance has been hard. Today is a week since we ambushed him. A week he’s been in the hospital. He’ll find out more tomorrow about when he can come home.

Planned Intervention

A bit ago I wrote about my dad’s infection in his leg and how he’s believing for faith healing and refuses to see a doctor for it.

Well, my siblings, mom, and I talked yesterday. We talked about how worried we are about him and his health, and how we’re worried about losing him. So, we have staged an intervention for tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. I hate confrontation. I don’t want to confront him on this. However, something needs to give, because I’m terrified of losing him. So, I’ll be a part of this intervention if it give more weight to the event. I assume the more people who come together the more seriously he’ll take it.

Here’s hoping he doesn’t just blow us off.

Liquids only

Today is Sunday, which seems like a good day to start something new. And today, the something new that I’m starting is an all-liquid diet. Now, it’s sort of a modified all-liquid diet as the smoothies didn’t start as all liquid ingredients, but they end up that way! And it’s just the frozen fruit that was solid anyway. SO, starting today, it’s shakes and smoothies and that’s it. Nothing else is allowed. And definitely no starches!

Sleepless

It’s one of those nights when I’m awake every half hour. It makes the night drag. I just want some restful sleep.

Family picnic

So most of my family lives in the metro area, but one sister and her husband live about an hour and a half away in the Springs. Normally, because everyone else lives here, we plan our family get togethers for here, but I thought it would be nice to go to the Springs for a change this holiday weekend so my sister could take a break from the long drive.

Well, let me tell you, it didn’t go quite as planned. First, 2 of my brothers had to work so they didn’t come. Then, the third wasn’t feeling well today, which I’m pretty sure is code for he drank too much last night, so he didn’t come either. That left my sister and brother-in-law, my parents, and me. We all got a super late start, so the Springs sister was waiting at the park for us for almost an hour before we arrived. I felt so bad. Then, my sisters spent most of the afternoon shuttling the toddler twins around the playground, and my brothers-in-law went off together to talk, so it was just my parents and me. I thought about joining my sisters, but my fibromyalgia was starting to flare and I just wasn’t up to walking around the playground in 88° heat.  I felt mildly disappointed because I can see my parents anytime I want. But whatever.

I also struggledwith the picnic food. I brought hummus with various thing for dipping and that was my safest and least anxiety-provoking option, but I still struggle eating in front of others. I did alright.

We were going to finish off the night with watching hot air balloons go off, but the venue filled up before we could get there so now we’re on our way home.

My view right now:

In flavor heaven

Something you may or may not know about me is that I looove peanut butter. I don’t eat it often, but I love it immensely.

Well, tonight, I decided it was too late to throw coffee into my shake like I normally do (since I normally drink it in the morning) but I wanted to mix it up from just straight chocolate, so I threw a little peanut butter into my Shakeology. Can we say delicious?? It tastes like Reese’s peanut butter cups. It feels too naughty to be my healthiest meal of the day. Sometimes, and this is probably my eating disorder talking, I feel guilty for drinking my shakes because they’re so yummy that I feel like I must be doing something wrong.

Last Day of Shakes…for now

So I’m on my last day of samples I was given. I’m loving the shakes. My energy is up and my cravings are down. They’re very filling and nutritious. Plus, the chocolate with coffee and the vanilla with peanut butter are like heaven in a cup. You shouldn’t be allowed such deliciousness for a meal. PLUS, I’m down 5 pounds this week! That’s huge for me. Getting weight off for me is like pulling teeth. I always lose a pound or two and then gain it back (thanks, bulimia). To be down 5 pounds is phenomenal!

Today I’m drinking the vegan strawberry with frozen strawberries and kiwi blended in. It’s pretty good. Not like the chocolate or vanilla, but enjoyable.

I plan to continue my shakes and smoothies. The smoothies will continue without interruption because I have what I need for them here (namely food and/or grocery stores) but there will be a small break in my shakes while I wait for my shakes I ordered to arrive. Hopefully just a few days.

I did get several people asking me where they can get their own shakes. You buy them online. The website is http://www.shakeology.com/etharia. As I mentioned to one person, I recommend the chocolate (I LOVE it with iced coffee) or vanilla (can be mixed with anything to make it any flavor you desire, I love it with peanut butter). I didn’t care for any of the other flavors, except this vegan strawberry is alright. I ordered the chocolate because I want to have my shakes in the morning for breakfast and will be having it with my coffee. I can’t wait for it to arrive!! (Sorry, I’m a little obsessed now.)

Shakes & Smoothies: Day 4, the best day

Today I discovered my new favorite shake. Better than the peanut butter vanilla, even! What is this magical concoction, you ask? Chocolate with iced coffee. It was amazing. Who needs Starbucks? And this is a healthy, nutrient-dense meal?? Yes, please!! It’s decided, I’m sticking with the shakes after this week is over. I do, however, still have a few more flavors to try. Vegan strawberry, for instance.

I hope my new shakes get here before these ones run out.