Starting over

I called an out of state treatment center to try to get better help and they want me to do their inpatient program.

So much struggle

I’m really struggling. I can’t seem to keep anything down.

Discharge

Yesterday I discharged from my treatment program. I was in treatment for just over 4 months. I was supposed to start outpatien therapy on this upcoming Wednesday but I decided I needed a break so I’ll be starting outpatient on March 8th.

Migraine

I saw this on Instagram and oh, how relevant. I really struggle with water restriction as well as food restriction so it’s hard for me to get any water in at all, and I never get enough in. I was awake all night with insomnia, and I ate green beans at 4am, which I promptly purged. I’m a wreck. And I wonder why I have a migraine that won’t go away.

Conflicted

In art in treatment today, I made a pros and cons list for recovery. It was emotional and hard. I’m also not sure it was helpful in making any decisions as both sides came out pretty even.

I’ve been pretty ambivalent about treatment lately and really struggling since stepping down to IOP. I realized in my session with my psychiatrist this afternoon that I was doing better in PHP because it was very structured and that high level of structure mimicked my eating disorder in a way so I felt safe to eat more and keep it down. Now that I have much more free time, life feels chaotic again and I am seeking the comfort and structure that my eating disorder give.

I’m just not sure how to move past this and get back into a recovery mindset. My primary counselor has been out of town for the holidays and that’s also thrown me for a loop. I’m glad she returns tomorrow.

Transition

Above is a screenshot from the website for the treatment center where I’m receiving treatment. I’m currently in their partial hospitalization program, which is 10 hours a day, 7 days a week, but tomorrow I transition to intensive outpatient. I’m both nervous and excited about this. I feel like the real work of recovery happens in iop where I’m not being babysat by staff all day long and I actually have to do meals on my own. However, I just had a really rough pass and I’m still in a weird head space and I’m just nervous that I’m going to get into iop and completely relapse.

I was on a walk yesterday and I had the realization that I have been in treatment 5 times in the last 4 years. That was the first time I think I realized I really have a problem. A problem I don’t know how to fix. A problem bigger than myself. But I also believe that with the right help and hard work and diligence I can get better. I think I have the right help. I am trying to put in the hard work. Here’s hoping recovery is actually possible.

Weekend Pass

This weekend I took my first weekend pass from treatment. I had Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. Friday I had a doctor’s appointment with my rheumatologist and got labs done and then went over to my brothers’ place for a couple days of playing Magic: the Gathering. If you know anything about MtG, Unstable came out this weekend and I picked up a booster box to draft with. If you don’t know what MtG is, it’s a trading card game for adults. It was lots of fun.

Saturday was spent playing more MtG and then Sunday my sister, brother, and I went to a Broncos game. It was my first time attending a professional football game and it was so much fun. However, there was a lot of walking and stairs involved and of course my mind just kept calculating how much I was burning.

Food/eating-wise the weekend was rough. I didn’t eat at all Friday. Then I ate and purged everything on Saturday. Sunday I tried to get back on my meal plan but only managed to make it to 1,000 calories for the day.

Overall, I’m not sure I would call it a successful pass, but it was an enjoyable one despite the ED thoughts and behaviors.

Another day in treatment

Here’s a picture of the common area (or as they call it, the milieu area) of my treatment center. Today is just another day in treatment. Today I will meet with my primary therapist, my psychiatrist, and my nutritionist, as well as have several skills and educational groups. I’ll eat all my meals and snacks there except my evening snack, which I’ll eat at home. Today I’ll move one step closer to recovery. To doing this on my own. It’s overwhelming at times, but it’s necessary.

Too little energy to care

I’ve reached the point of restriction where I become very calm. I don’t think it’s because my demons have gone away, rather I think it’s because I have too little energy to be anything other than calm, flat, emotionless, zen. I have hardly moved today. I sat on my sofa and took a final exam, then I sat on my sofa and watched Christmas movies. I haven’t even used the bathroom today because I’m severely dehydrated. I don’t think I’ve left my couch since I got up this morning. I just don’t have the energy. I frankly, I just don’t care. I don’t anticipate moving until I go to bed. I look forward to sleeping. It seems so welcoming. When I’m eating well, I hate sleeping because I have too much I want to do, too much to get done to sleep. Now, I just have Christmas movies and sleep because I have no energy for anything else. I’m ok with this. Like I said, I have reached my zen.

I was looking at my Christmas tree earlier. It has candy canes on it. I wanted to taste a candy cane. Not eat it, just taste it. But I didn’t have the energy to cross the room to get one, and I’m too afraid the sugar will digest in my mouth and I’ll consume calories by licking it. I like being completely calorie-less. Maybe I won’t go back to treatment. They want me to eat there. I don’t want to ever eat again.

Conflicted and Hungry

I’m in treatment, but I’m struggling. I haven’t been eating outside of treatment meals, which is dinner and HS snack Monday-Thursday. Before I started treatment, I was binging and purging all day long and I went back to the EIOP to help get that under control. Well, I have for the most part. And for a week or two, I mostly followed my meal plan. But as I’ve explained to dietitians in the past, following a meal plan feels like restricting, which triggers me to restrict more and more. And that’s exactly what has happened. To the point where I’m just not eating at all outside of program.

I dream about food every time I sleep. I’ve taken to watching Food Network. Right now, they’re playing Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives back-to-back. The food looks amazing. And I know my body is hungry, but I can’t bring myself to eat. Nor do I actually feel hungry. Or maybe I do and I’m ignoring it hard enough. I’m not sure. I’m definitely not focusing on my finals the way I should be. Today I took a nap because I just kept thinking about eating but I knew I couldn’t let myself eat, so I took a nap to take up a couple hours of time where I wouldn’t have to think about it, or feel weak and in pain. I dreamed I ate all kinds of things. Luckily, I didn’t actually eat any of those things.

I can’t get warm. It’s 36 degrees outside, but I have the heat on. Even with the heat, a jacket, slippers, and gloves, I’m still cold. I’m listless. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m so bored. Nothing sounds interesting. I just watch the food on the tv and long for what I won’t let myself have. What I can’t have. What I don’t deserve. I want it all. All at one time. And that scares me. And now I’m just rambling.