I hate fat people

I know I’m probably going to get a lot of hate for this, but there it is.

Why, you ask, do I hate fat people? Well, technically I don’t hate them, they just make me acutely uncomfortable. When I am around fat people, you see, it is a blaring reminder to me that I am in fact very fat. All I can think about is how fat I am. I don’t know why they have this effect on me, but they do. I can think of nothing else when they’re around except how fat I am.

I bring this up because there is a new lady in treatment who is fat. I don’t say that to be demeaning, it’s just a description of her body. But I am severely uncomfortable around her, and that makes me feel like a bad person. I feel like a hypocrite. Like a complete ass.

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Just trying to deal

Yesterday was rough. I binged and purged twice instead of following my meal plan. Then, this morning, the scale said I had gained 6 pounds since yesterday morning. Ugh! I can’t even deal today. I don’t know whether or not I’m going to try to follow my meal plan today. I want to fast so I can lost that weight I gained binging yesterday. But I also know that if I don’t try then I won’t be working toward recovery, which is what I ultimately want, even if it doesn’t feel like I want it right now. I don’t know. I’m just overwhelmed and exhausted.

I’ve Succeeded?

 

I don’t know how to feel right now. Part of me feels like I’ve succeeded. Part of me feels like a big, fat, disgusting failure.

Why?

Well, I’ve been really struggling the last couple days and I’ve been eating A LOT to cope and luckily I’ve been working out enough that it’s not messing with my weight, but I still feel like a fat, lazy slob for eating so much. Because I’ve been eating so much, I got it in my head to eat everything in the house that’s mine except my smoothie foods so that I’m not left with the option to binge, and at least if I try, it’s on frozen fruit and not on starches. Just now, I finished the last of my non-smoothie food. So I succeeded, after a sort…

Now to go work it off.

Bubble burst

Well, it’s happened. My weight is up today. No food for me.

Weighing Rituals

I have rituals I have to follow when it comes to weighing myself, which I do every morning.

I used to weigh myself all day long, back when I was anorexic. But now that I binge, it just depresses me because my weight shoots up mid-day and I just end up hating myself even more and it’s not good.

So, every morning, I get up and the first thing I do is use the bathroom. I make sure my hands are exceptionally dry after I wash them so I don’t have any extra weight from the water. I make sure to wear the same thing each morning. I used to weigh naked, but I can’t do that right now.** I ensure the scale is in the same spot and stable, all four legs touching the floor. I make sure nothing is in my hair, I’m not wearing any jewelry, there’s nothing that could possibly be showing up as excess weight. Then, I tap my scale to turn it on. With my scale, I don’t have to do that, but it makes me feel better to see 0.0 before stepping on, knowing it’s tared correctly. Then, I stand as still as possible for a 10 count so it can get the most accurate reading possible, then I look down. I then record the weight in an app on my phone. Rinse and repeat tomorrow.

Right now, thought I’m ecstatic with the numbers it’s giving me, I’m beginning to suspect my scale is lying to me. Today it says I’m a pound and a half down from yesterday. That’s a big jump in one day and, while I really want to believe it, it’s hard to believe my body dropped that much weight overnight.

 

**My apartment has the weirdest layout and to get to the bathroom, my roommates have to go through my bedroom, so I don’t ever get naked in my bedroom, and the bathroom floor is too uneven for the scale to work correctly.

Weights and perceptions

I told my dietician today that I think my meal plan is too high.

She asked what made me think that. I said it just feels like too much food.

She asked what I perceive my weight to be doing since admitting. I said it’s gone up a lot.

She said it’s actually gone down.

I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. This isn’t bad news, but it felt like a lie. Or surely their scale is broken?

There’s a bizarre feeling when what you knew to be true turns out to be false.

If only this made eating meals and snacks easier.

Vacation Weight

I’m going on vacation in just over a week. To California.

I’m freaking out internally. We’re going to the beach. I love to swim, but I don’t normally just hang out in a swimsuit. I’m terrified and nervous and kind of sick to my stomach.

On the flip side, though, I’m looking forward to the “vacation weight”. Many people complain of gaining weight over vacation. I always lose on vacation.

While on vacation, I tend to eat every meal with others, which means there’s always someone there to see me eat, which means I hardly eat. And since I tend to be around people A LOT while on vacation, I’m much less likely to binge and purge. After a week of near-fasting, I always come home lighter.

I’m looking forward to that.

Reunion

The girls (women) I was in treatment with earlier this year are planning a reunion at the end of the month. They want me to come. I don’t want to. I was already the largest, and now I’m sure I’m rven larger. I want to see everyone, but I don’t want to be seen. 

All the emotions

This chart looks like the daily fluctuation of my weight. -__-

Guess who got a new battery for her scale today? That’s right! This girl!

My dad brought it home about 10 minutes ago. Naturally, the first this I did was go weigh myself. I’m up 7 pounds from when I last weighed. This is so frustrating. I’ve cut my workouts back to a healthy 1-2 hours a day, but I don’t eat over 600 calories most days, and often under 400. And yet, I gained 7 pounds. I guess I’ll just have to increase my workouts again.

So, on the one hand I’m really happy to have my scale back, and on the other, I’m so frustrated about gaining so much weight. Also, I purged just now for the first time in about a week after freaking out over a bowl of soup, and my right arm won’t stop shaking. It’s making it hard to type or use my mouse. Plus, it’s just simply annoying.

I started running again. I’ve been going on walks every day, and I found myself missing running. Like, physically, I ached to run. So, this morning, I did.

I can’t run far anymore, I haven’t done it in 6 years. However, I was pleased to just see that I could indeed run. I alternated walking and running for a couple miles and wound my way back home this way. It was exhilarating. How I have missed it! I also have come to appreciate biking more and more lately. When I ran before, I hated cycling, I didn’t own a bike and I didn’t use them at the gym. However, now, I bike every day, and I have noticed the strength in my legs when I run. My lungs still need to catch up, but my legs were just fine! I wish I had discovered this “secret” years earlier.

I, unfortunately, am not getting a lot of school work done. I made the mistake of checking out 13 books from the library. I just want to read all day, and tend to, instead of studying. I really need to get on it. My goal for tomorrow is to actually focus on my school work, at least for a little bit.

The saddest day ever

I got up today and went to weigh myself, but every time I tried, my scale displayed “LO” instead, indicating the battery is dying.

I unscrewed the battery door to see if I had any of the batteries it takes, but I don’t. Sad, sad day. I’m rather distraught. I literally have no money right now, so no new battery for me.

If anyone wants to send me a new battery for my birthday (which is on Thursday) I wouldn’t complain. 😉