Missing my scale

This is how I feel without my scale.

The other day, I actually cried when I saw the space my scale used to occupy.

This morning after I didn’t go to the doctor, therefore didn’t get to know my current weight, I decided I needed me scale back.

I emailed my counselor, telling her this.

She responded, “I didn’t have the chance to see you today and I’m out until Tuesday. Make sure to talk to [nutritionist] about this, and I’d like to talk to you about it, too. I know it’s really difficult once you give that thing up…hang in there.”

I don’t want to hang in there, and I don’t want to wait until Tuesday to get my scale back. I am frustrated.

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Trying to Stay Grounded

My day before treatment was pretty bad.

I got up early to go to a doctor appointment, and got a call one minute before I planned to leave telling me my doctor wouldn’t be in the office today. I rescheduled for next Wednesday.

Then, I went back to bed, having a migraine. I stayed in bed until around noon. I got up, binged and purged, then played The Sims until the last minute instead of studying for my final, took a shower, and left.

I was really nauseous during dinner and despite trying really hard, I couldn’t finish and had to boost.

After dinner was art. I enjoy art. Tonight I made grounding stones out of clay. They’re kind of like worry stones, but I made them to re-ground myself when I’m freaking out, feeling the need to self-harm, or feeling suicidal.

They’re all different shapes and sizes. I put a word on the bottom of each. Some are smooth and some are textured. I’m hoping they will help ground me. I want to paint them next week, then maybe I’ll take pictures and show you.

After art we had the friends and family group. My dad came.

He didn’t seem to be at all interested or present during group, but afterward in the car, he told me he was glad he came, and he’ll keep coming.

I was shocked.

My goal for tomorrow is to follow my meal plan.

Seizures and Vulnerability

This morning, my youngest brother had a diabetic seizure. It was terrifying.

He only has seizures when his blood sugars are dangerously low. Whenever he has one, I worry that we won’t be able to get them back up in time and he’ll die.

I always have flashbacks of when I got the phone call telling me my sister had died.

His seizure this morning was worse than normal. We called 911 and gave him a glucagon injection. He didn’t respond. I rubbed sugar into the inside of his cheek while my mom prepared another injection of glucagon.

He seized for 10 straight minutes while we waited for the paramedics. He had been sitting on a chair in the living room when he started seizing. Before I could get to him, he fell off, faceplanting on the wood floor, and hitting his head on a tv tray.

I rushed to move things out of his way while dialing 911 so that he couldn’t injure himself.

Those 10 minutes seemed to last forever.

Luckily, he’s doing better now.

Are you familiar with Post Secret?

Tonight in group, we did a post secret type activity. We each got index cards and were instructed to write out our secrets on them.

Some were things like “I want another tattoo.”
Most were very intimate.
Many made me cry.

It was a rough group.

Then, we had process group. I admitted that I had been frustrated with my brother for not taking care of his diabetes the way he should be, and thus putting my mom, his girlfriend, and I in the position of just trying to keep him alive and freaking out. However, once process group started, I started feeling hypocritical because I am not taking care of myself the way I should. I admitted that I don’t know how to take care of myself, and that I don’t feel I deserve to.

I cried through my admission, and after, I started to panic and was having trouble breathing. My counselor noted that I feel a lot of shame when I feel vulnerable. It’s true. And I HATE to feel vulnerable.

My homework assignment for this week is to come up with a list of 25 reasons I’m worthy and deserving of food. I’m having a lot of trouble coming up with anything.

Looking forward to freedom

This weekend, my homework was to take my trigger list, pick the top 5, and write out 3 coping skills for each. My other homework was to make a body image timeline.

I finished the trigger coping skills pretty quickly. The body image timeline has taken me all weekend and I just finished.

I had some scratch paper and scratch board lying around from years ago and decided I would make a  sheet for each point on the timeline. I have to present my timeline, so I wanted to come up with a creative way to do so.

Most of them have pictures, but the last one is the image above.

“The future holds freedom.”

That’s what I keep trying to remind myself.

Kitty!

I went to the wild animal sanctuary today with A. We had a picnic lunch there, and then walked around looking at all the animals. Above is a picture from it. We also got a great video of the lions nuzzling. It’s precious.

After the animal sanctuary, we went to a flea market. It didn’t live up to the hype, but it was a good experience anyway.

I’ve followed the meal plan pretty well today. I had a small lunch because I got up later than I’d planned, but I did include a snack for the first time.

Now I shall watch a hockey playoff game.

I don’t love you, Friday

So, I’m a little bit sunburnt. My face hurts.

Today has been long. I get so freaked out on Fridays, review days. I binged and purged for hours. HOURS.

And naturally, the center called while I was purging to let me know I have been approved for one more week.

Friday is the hardest day of the week for me. I have dozens of friends on Facebook posting about how excited they are for Friday and I’m sitting here just waiting for it to end. I think I’m going to start skipping Fridays.

Sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating from how much I hate myself. I literally can’t breathe. The only ways I know to get out of it is to either self-harm or binge and purge.

Tomorrow I’m going to be out all day with A. I need to pack a lunch and remember my sunscreen, and part my hair differently because my scalp is already falling off.

I feel like I’m just rambling, so I’m going to go and try not to binge and purge any more tonight.

Four weeks??

I just realized that tonight I finished my fourth week of treatment. I never thought I’d make it this long.

Receiving support

On Tuesday, we talked about support and how to choose the right support people for different levels of support.

That night, I also opened up to the other people in my treatment group about how I’ve been really struggling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts. That was really hard for me, but not nearly as hard as what I did next.

I asked for support. I asked if they would each take a take and do something with me on their day, whether it’s get together for lunch for that accountability, or just hang out for a couple hours.

I expected maybe one or two people to be willing. I expected no one to be enthused about the idea.

To my great surprise, they all seemed to really like the idea.

Yesterday, I spent a few hours with E. She and I drove around downtown, she’s new to the area (she came here from out of state for treatment) and I showed her all the fun attractions and art around town. Then, we went to a used bookstore I love; she also loves books. I had a great time.

Today, S and I had a picnic in the park and then spent 4 hours talking. We both ended up sun burned. Neither of us thought to think of the sun. It’s been winter so long.

Tomorrow, I’ll be writing my final essay of the term. All day.

Saturday, I’m going to a wildlife reserve with A. I’m excited and nervous about that. Not because of the animals, but because I have had a migraine for about a week straight and my fibromyalgia has been acting up and I’m just not sure I’ll be up to it.

The combination of giving up my self-harm items, and meeting with someone from treatment every day has really helped me.

I’ve been doing pretty well at following my meal plan. At least for meals. I’m not eating the snacks yet, but I’m overwhelmed with just the meals still.

Now I just need to cut out the binging and purging.

My review is tomorrow, I really hope my insurance approves more time.

Losing a friend and an enemy

Today, I took my scale, my blades, and my knives to my counselor.

Giving over the sharps wasn’t that difficult, I really would like to stop cutting. However, handing her my scale was hard. It was like losing a friend. It felt like betrayal.

I am also scared. I’m afraid that without knowing the number, I will be too afraid to eat. That I shall feel all the time like I am gaining. That I have lost the one thing that grounds me. I’m scared of so many things. I want to run back and demand the return of my scale.

But I won’t. I know I need this. I may hate it and I may panic at the thought of not being able to weigh in the morning, but this is necessary for me, for my recovery.

On another note, I went out for coffee with a friend today. It was nice. I spent way too much time worrying about my drink, being perceived as gluttonous, whether I was drinking too fast, etc. However, I still enjoyed myself.

I also tried very hard to follow my meal plan today. I did pretty well, but not 100%. I wasn’t able to finish dinner at the center because it was too spicy and my mouth and throat were burning, but I really tried. The boost helped soothe it some, so for once I was excited to drink it.

My treatment team is still worried about me. I hate having people worry. It’s why I haven’t told my family or friends how much I’m struggling.

I’m meeting another friend for coffee tomorrow. I realized last night that I need to get out more and I need to connect with others more. It helps me to get outside my own head. So I’m making a concerted effort to do that more.

I’ve been avoiding my nutritionist, but I should probably go see her sometime this week.

Tomorrow I have to go in early to work on my relapse prevention plan. I also need to do counseling homework. Oh, and write my stupid 25 page episode. And study for finals. Gah! I have so much to do. I need to make out a prioritized task list.

Tomorrow. Tonight, I need to sleep.

Stupid, Freaking Insurance

I was threatened with hospitalization today.

I was also told that my insurance doesn’t want to approve any more time because they’re not seeing enough improvement, so clearly the treatment isn’t working.

Also, one night a week is family night where people’s friends and/or family come in to learn more about eating disorders and how to be more effective support. I haven’t had anyone go yet because everyone either works or has school that night, or just refuses to go. My insurance sees this as I’m not reaching out for support so I don’t want to recover. So, if no one comes this week, they’re cutting me off.

They also want me to get labs.

I just want to throw things at them.

On another note, I did agree in counseling today to bring in my self-harm items tomorrow and leave them there. I think I’m also going to take my scale because it seems to be broken and is just causing me way more anxiety and frustration than it normally does.

We went to Old Chicago for dinner tonight. I hated it. I want to explain why, but I’m mentally exhausted and not sure I can.

Tomorrow, I’m getting coffee with one of the other ladies in treatment. I’m nervous, but also looking forward to it.

Now to not engage in any behaviors for the next week.