So, I had some success with eating today. I had an iced coffee with my friend this morning (I know, I know, not food, but it was still hard) and then those 9 pieces of candy.
Then, this afternoon, I thought I really should eat something real, so I went into the kitchen, opened the fridge and stared. Then opened the freezer and stared. Then opened each individual cupboard and stared. Then left the kitchen.
I did this about 5 times over a couple hours.
Finally, my mom suggested I order a pizza. I did.
Normally, I could eat a whole pizza myself before purging it. Today, I ate a piece and a half, very slowly, freaked out, ran to the bathroom, purged, downed a bunch of laxatives, took more diet pills, exercised until I collapsed, and then lay crying.
I haven’t tried to eat since then.
Also, my scale seems to be lying to me. I might need to get a new one, I really think mine’s broken.
All week it said I wasn’t losing, then this morning when I weighed, it said I lost 10 pounds overnight. That clearly doesn’t make any sense.
I always weigh in the same spot in my room, making sure my scale is on an even section of the floor, first thing in the morning after using the bathroom, naked. (Yeah, I have a weighing ritual.)
There’s no way I could not lose all week then jump down 10 pounds. I want to believe it, but I can’t.
It also occurred to me a short time ago that if I end up doing PHP or inpatient, I have to stop using the laxatives and diet pills, stop abusing my thyroid meds, won’t be able to weigh or purge in any fashion, it kind of freaked me out.
It doesn’t change my decision to do it, but it does make me very apprehensive.
Also, I’m really nauseous. I’m not sure if it’s from lack of food or the excessive amount of laxatives I took earlier. It could be both, I suppose.
I was going to go to a support group for women 30 and older who have eating disorders (I know I’m not technically 30, but I only have a month to go and don’t want to switch in a month) but I realized I don’t actually have cash to ride the bus in the morning.
I am, however, going out in the afternoon with a friend. I have no idea what we’re doing. She suggested getting lunch, but that’s not happening. Also, while I’m looking forward to spending time with her, I’m also sort of dreading it because my head’s in a bad place right now and she’s anorexic (in recovery, but still very much underweight) and is much thinner than I. But I’m determined not to isolate.
So, hopefully to bed at a reasonable time tonight, up at a reasonable time in the morning, workout, meds, maybe food, shower, maybe study, then social time.
a2eternity 