This weekend I took my first weekend pass from treatment. I had Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. Friday I had a doctor’s appointment with my rheumatologist and got labs done and then went over to my brothers’ place for a couple days of playing Magic: the Gathering. If you know anything about MtG, Unstable came out this weekend and I picked up a booster box to draft with. If you don’t know what MtG is, it’s a trading card game for adults. It was lots of fun.
Saturday was spent playing more MtG and then Sunday my sister, brother, and I went to a Broncos game. It was my first time attending a professional football game and it was so much fun. However, there was a lot of walking and stairs involved and of course my mind just kept calculating how much I was burning.
Food/eating-wise the weekend was rough. I didn’t eat at all Friday. Then I ate and purged everything on Saturday. Sunday I tried to get back on my meal plan but only managed to make it to 1,000 calories for the day.
Overall, I’m not sure I would call it a successful pass, but it was an enjoyable one despite the ED thoughts and behaviors.
“Women don’t eat, they just stare at it and then jump on the treadmill.”
I’m going to try a new plan: when I feel like binging and purging, I’m going to hop on my stationary bike instead until, hopefully, the urge passes. I don’t know if my plan will work, but I need to try something.
Back in August of last year, I bought a fitbit, but you didn’t hear much about it because I wasn’t able to keep it very long. Why? Before long I became obsessed with it. Obsessed with how many steps I was taking, how many hours I was active, how many calories I was burning. I obsessively tracked my food and water and sleep in my fitbit app daily. And at a time when I was already struggling, having just come out of treatment a month prior, I could see that it was having an unhealthy effect on me. So, I gave it to my sister, who I knew could handle it, who wouldn’t obsess, who would use it responsibly.
Well, Monday, I bought another one. Why? I’m not sure. I just really like numbers and stats and knowing things, I guess. I’ve been walking every day and I wanted to see how many steps I was taking. I wanted to see my heart rate when I exercise. I just wanted to know the stats. However, I’ve started inputting my food into the app again and of course it tells me how many calories I’m eating and that’s triggering. And the obvious answer is to just not enter my food into the app, but then there’s a line on my app that’s not filled in and it feels incomplete. Maybe I have a problem.
I don’t feel like I’m obsessed with the fitbit this time, but I worry that I might become so, just because I have addictive/obsessive tendencies. Today I set a high step goal to beat yesterday’s goal, but when I went for my walk, my ankle was hurting, so I only walked about a mile instead of the 5 I had planned. I’m trying to listen to my body and what it needs and how it’s feeling instead of just pushing myself, so that’s good, right? I think so. I think I can use my fitbit in a healthy, non-obsessive way this time. Here’s hoping.
Day #6: A note to your future You.
Dear future me,
I really don’t know what to say to you. I want to like you, to love you, but I’m not there yet. Maybe that’s what I’ll say. I hope that I love you. I hope that I like you. I hope we’ve made peace. I hope you are happy. I hope you are content with yourself. I hope you have found a good rhythm in recovery and are doing well with it. I hope you aren’t struggling still. I hope you’ve found the right balance with your exercise. I hope you feel ok. I know you’ll still have to deal with your diagnoses, but I hope right now in the future, you’re feeling well. I hope you have peace of mind. I hope you’re happy.
I’m so excited my shakes came in today! They weren’t supposed to be here until tomorrow, but you won’t hear me complaining!!
After having Shakeology for a week with the samples I got, I found myself craving them after I ran out. My body just doesn’t get that kind of rich nutrition when I don’t have them. I’m so relieved to have them again. So, of course, for dinner I’m having some Shakeology!
I’m also excited to start Cize. I tried some of the previews for it and it really showed me how uncoordinated I am, but it was also very fun and kicked my butt, so I’m looking forward to adding it to my workout routine.
I also got together with my sisters and mom today for some girl time. We did gel manis and played with my niece and nephew and just hung out. It was fun. On the agenda for today: cycling, Cize, don’t binge.
My shakes and new exercise regimen have arrived! I’m so excited!!
I’m on day 3 of my week of smoothies and shakes. I’m down 3 pounds and I feel great. My energy is high, I haven’t been binging, I like it. I do admit, I miss food. I think it wouldn’t be so bad if I were replacing only 1 of my meals instead of 2 of my meals per day, but I think this is essential right now for helping me curb the binges.
I have several flavors of Shakeology shakes from the samples I got. I admit, I didn’t like the first 2 flavors I tried. I drank them anyway because those were my allotted meals for those days, but it was hard getting them down. Today, I had the vanilla, which was much better. Then, I had the idea to put it in the blender with some ice and peanut butter and OH. MY. WORD. It was sooo delicious! It was like a peanut butter ice cream shake. That I got to eat for lunch! Tonight, Strawberry, kiwi, yogurt smoothie for dinner. And, of course, my workout routine somewhere in there.
I don’t actually have a drivers license. Yes, I’m 31 and have no license. Driving just makes me so anxious that I usually avoid it and have done so for 15 years. However, I recognize that I need my license for independence purposes, so today, I went driving. I drove around suburbs and quiet neighborhoods for about an hour. Next time, I might get out onto some main streets. I hope to be ready to pass my driving test within the next couple months.
I also worked a lot on my niece’s scarf, which is good because I’ve been so depressed lately that I haven’t been knitting and hardly anything has gotten done on it. I’ve made it to almost 2 feet now, so that’s wonderful! I need to have it finished by the 22nd when my sister gets back.
And I, of course, worked out. Food intake was pretty good today. I think it was pretty close to what a “normal” person would eat. I’m trying to curb the binging and restricting.
I also developed a fever. My rheumatologist told me this is a side effect of the rheumatoid arthritis. I took a nap for a couple hours and felt a little better after.
Also, this is my 500th post.
I don’t know how to feel right now. Part of me feels like I’ve succeeded. Part of me feels like a big, fat, disgusting failure.
Well, I’ve been really struggling the last couple days and I’ve been eating A LOT to cope and luckily I’ve been working out enough that it’s not messing with my weight, but I still feel like a fat, lazy slob for eating so much. Because I’ve been eating so much, I got it in my head to eat everything in the house that’s mine except my smoothie foods so that I’m not left with the option to binge, and at least if I try, it’s on frozen fruit and not on starches. Just now, I finished the last of my non-smoothie food. So I succeeded, after a sort…
Now to go work it off.
“This is why,“ I think to myself as I take another bite of pasta. “This is why you can’t lose any weight despite hours of exercise each day.”
This is how I deal with stress, with disappointment, with not knowing what to do. I eat and I exercise. I used to purge, but I haven’t done much of that since leaving treatment a month ago. Now I just kill myself on my bike. Which I did, right before eating the pasta.
I was supposed to go car shopping today, but due to a series of events, was unable to. That’s the 4th time in a row. I’m beginning to think I will never be able to buy a car. All I want is a little independence. All I want is to be able to get around when my fibromyalgia is acting up. All I want is stability. All I want is freedom.
All I get is disappointment. So, all I do is exercise and eat. It’s better than the alternative, I suppose. I really wanted to cut, but I worked out and ate pasta instead. It’s “safer” at the very least, I’m told. Better to kill myself slowly with bulimia than to slice open my veins, they tell me.
Just once, I want something to go right.