I didn’t go to treatment Sunday or Monday. I just couldn’t get myself to go. However, today, with much encouragement, I went. We have art on Tuesdays, which I love. Today I started a defusion techniques poster. It’s not finished yet, but I started.
I took each technique and I pictured it as an image and drew that image, then titled each image with the name of the technique. I’m hoping this poster will help me defuse from my thoughts when I’m struggling. We’ll see.
I saw this on Instagram and oh, how relevant. I really struggle with water restriction as well as food restriction so it’s hard for me to get any water in at all, and I never get enough in. I was awake all night with insomnia, and I ate green beans at 4am, which I promptly purged. I’m a wreck. And I wonder why I have a migraine that won’t go away.
In art in treatment today, I made a pros and cons list for recovery. It was emotional and hard. I’m also not sure it was helpful in making any decisions as both sides came out pretty even.
I’ve been pretty ambivalent about treatment lately and really struggling since stepping down to IOP. I realized in my session with my psychiatrist this afternoon that I was doing better in PHP because it was very structured and that high level of structure mimicked my eating disorder in a way so I felt safe to eat more and keep it down. Now that I have much more free time, life feels chaotic again and I am seeking the comfort and structure that my eating disorder give.
I’m just not sure how to move past this and get back into a recovery mindset. My primary counselor has been out of town for the holidays and that’s also thrown me for a loop. I’m glad she returns tomorrow.
I started intensive outpatient yesterday. This means doing 2 meals at home. However, I’m on disability and hardly get enough money to cover bills, let alone money to buy food. In shame, I told my dietitian this. She then took me to a food bank. It was an overwhelming experience. It was filled with fear foods, which were handed to me whether I wanted them or not. On top of that, while waiting for my turn to go through the line, the man at my table kept talking about being too fat and how he wouldn’t eat the bread because he didn’t want to gain more weight and so forth.
I now have food to last a while, minus protein, though I do have a whole frozen chicken in my freezer. I feel like an awful person for taking all this free food that I don’t want in the first place. I don’t want to eat it and I don’t want it in my house. How awful am I that I took food from someone who wanted it when I don’t even want this food??
Above is a screenshot from the website for the treatment center where I’m receiving treatment. I’m currently in their partial hospitalization program, which is 10 hours a day, 7 days a week, but tomorrow I transition to intensive outpatient. I’m both nervous and excited about this. I feel like the real work of recovery happens in iop where I’m not being babysat by staff all day long and I actually have to do meals on my own. However, I just had a really rough pass and I’m still in a weird head space and I’m just nervous that I’m going to get into iop and completely relapse.
I was on a walk yesterday and I had the realization that I have been in treatment 5 times in the last 4 years. That was the first time I think I realized I really have a problem. A problem I don’t know how to fix. A problem bigger than myself. But I also believe that with the right help and hard work and diligence I can get better. I think I have the right help. I am trying to put in the hard work. Here’s hoping recovery is actually possible.
This weekend I took my first weekend pass from treatment. I had Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. Friday I had a doctor’s appointment with my rheumatologist and got labs done and then went over to my brothers’ place for a couple days of playing Magic: the Gathering. If you know anything about MtG, Unstable came out this weekend and I picked up a booster box to draft with. If you don’t know what MtG is, it’s a trading card game for adults. It was lots of fun.
Saturday was spent playing more MtG and then Sunday my sister, brother, and I went to a Broncos game. It was my first time attending a professional football game and it was so much fun. However, there was a lot of walking and stairs involved and of course my mind just kept calculating how much I was burning.
Food/eating-wise the weekend was rough. I didn’t eat at all Friday. Then I ate and purged everything on Saturday. Sunday I tried to get back on my meal plan but only managed to make it to 1,000 calories for the day.
Overall, I’m not sure I would call it a successful pass, but it was an enjoyable one despite the ED thoughts and behaviors.
Here’s a picture of the common area (or as they call it, the milieu area) of my treatment center. Today is just another day in treatment. Today I will meet with my primary therapist, my psychiatrist, and my nutritionist, as well as have several skills and educational groups. I’ll eat all my meals and snacks there except my evening snack, which I’ll eat at home. Today I’ll move one step closer to recovery. To doing this on my own. It’s overwhelming at times, but it’s necessary.