Author Archives: abstemious2eternity

Starting over

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I called an out of state treatment center to try to get better help and they want me to do their inpatient program.

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So much struggle

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I’m really struggling. I can’t seem to keep anything down.

Discharge

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Yesterday I discharged from my treatment program. I was in treatment for just over 4 months. I was supposed to start outpatien therapy on this upcoming Wednesday but I decided I needed a break so I’ll be starting outpatient on March 8th.

Defusion

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I didn’t go to treatment Sunday or Monday. I just couldn’t get myself to go. However, today, with much encouragement, I went. We have art on Tuesdays, which I love. Today I started a defusion techniques poster. It’s not finished yet, but I started.

I took each technique and I pictured it as an image and drew that image, then titled each image with the name of the technique. I’m hoping this poster will help me defuse from my thoughts when I’m struggling. We’ll see.

Migraine

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I saw this on Instagram and oh, how relevant. I really struggle with water restriction as well as food restriction so it’s hard for me to get any water in at all, and I never get enough in. I was awake all night with insomnia, and I ate green beans at 4am, which I promptly purged. I’m a wreck. And I wonder why I have a migraine that won’t go away.

Conflicted

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In art in treatment today, I made a pros and cons list for recovery. It was emotional and hard. I’m also not sure it was helpful in making any decisions as both sides came out pretty even.

I’ve been pretty ambivalent about treatment lately and really struggling since stepping down to IOP. I realized in my session with my psychiatrist this afternoon that I was doing better in PHP because it was very structured and that high level of structure mimicked my eating disorder in a way so I felt safe to eat more and keep it down. Now that I have much more free time, life feels chaotic again and I am seeking the comfort and structure that my eating disorder give.

I’m just not sure how to move past this and get back into a recovery mindset. My primary counselor has been out of town for the holidays and that’s also thrown me for a loop. I’m glad she returns tomorrow.

New Experiences

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I started intensive outpatient yesterday. This means doing 2 meals at home. However, I’m on disability and hardly get enough money to cover bills, let alone money to buy food. In shame, I told my dietitian this. She then took me to a food bank. It was an overwhelming experience. It was filled with fear foods, which were handed to me whether I wanted them or not. On top of that, while waiting for my turn to go through the line, the man at my table kept talking about being too fat and how he wouldn’t eat the bread because he didn’t want to gain more weight and so forth.

I now have food to last a while, minus protein, though I do have a whole frozen chicken in my freezer. I feel like an awful person for taking all this free food that I don’t want in the first place. I don’t want to eat it and I don’t want it in my house. How awful am I that I took food from someone who wanted it when I don’t even want this food??