Success!

I’m still really struggling with binging and purging, though I did manage to cut down on the number of binges and purges a little today. That also means I was able to cut down a little on the amount of laxatives I took, since I take them after each time I purge. What I’m happiest about, however, is that I somehow managed to get 100% on my test today. Despite all the binging and purging I’ve been doing instead of studying, I still managed to eke out enough studying between binges to do well on my test. I’m still behind in my other class, but I have a couple weeks before my first test to catch up. I’m just treading water here, but I’m surviving and that’s important.

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Dying

I took too many laxatives this morning and I am dying. Not literally, thankfully. Unfortunately?

My stomach is cramping like crazy, I’m nauseous and vomiting, and I’ve shat myself, which is completely unpleasant.  All I can do is lie here, close to the bathroom, and writhe in pain.  At least I’m not binging and purging…

Day 4 and the Weekend

Yesterday was day four of treatment. Before treatment was rocky between entering my food into the school software that calculates my calories, trying to follow the meal plan, stopping laxatives, and flushing my laxatives. By the time I arrived at treatment I was absolutely frantic and couldn’t eat dinner. I cried through the first group, which was dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). After DBT was proccess group, where I was able to talk through my day and process everything that had happened and get advice and feedback from the group.

Process group was sooo helpful. I felt so much better after processing my day. I was able to eat and finish my evening snack.

I am still working on increasing my intake to get up to my full meal plan. I’m supposed to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. Today I’m going to try to eat 2 meals and 2 snacks. It feels overwhelming. Especially since I no longer have laxatives and I’m trying not to purge.

All the changes I’ve made this week have been hard and exhausting. I wish I could just have something magical happen and I just be recovered! Why does it have to require so much work?

Flushed

I just made a huge step toward recovery. I have been working with my nutritionist on tapering down my laxatives. Today was the last day I’m allowed laxatives. So, after taking my allowed amount, I flushed the rest of my laxatives I had in the house. I feel really apprehensive about it. It’s very final. I have literally no money right now, so I can’t go out and get more laxatives at the moment. It’s like a kick in the teeth to my eating disorder, and in a way, it hurts. It’s also a little freeing. I’m so conflicted right now. I really want to get better, but my eating disorder is screaming right now.

The weekend and my first day

I spent the weekend with my brothers. We played Dungeons and Dragons on Saturday. My brother’s girlfriend played too. We had a lot of fun. After my youngest brother and his girlfriend went home, My other two brothers and I played video games and drank.

On Sunday, we played more video games, then we watched the Broncos beat the Patriots. That was great.

Yesterday I started treatment. I didn’t eat before going in at one. When I met with my nutritionist at 3:00, she almost made me eat a snack, but I started crying and she let me wait for dinner. She said she knew that I was really overwhelmed and she would let me wait. I was so relieved because I really didn’t think I could eat a snack right then.

Dinner was hard and I barely finished it in time. But, I did finish my dinner. Through tears. And I didn’t purge afterward or take laxatives after dinner. That was harder still. I cried on and off the rest of the night. However, I made it through.

There are only two other people in the EIOP right now. One lady and one man. They both seem nice. We got along well and they were both very helpful and encouraging during dinner.

I tried to follow my meal plan for breakfast, but ended up feeling overwhelmed and anxious and binged and purged instead. I’m not eating lunch since I binged this morning and can’t purge dinner.

I’m working on tapering off my laxatives with my nutritionist. I usually take 100-300 pills a day. Today and tomorrow I’m taking just 100. Then the next two days I’m going to try to go down to just 50. Then two days at 25. Then none. Then I may have to take Miralax for a while because of how many laxatives my body is used to taking.

Wish me luck for tonight. I’m already so nervous and anxious.

Waiting for the next step

I’m supposed to start PHP on Monday, but I haven’t heard back on whether my insurance has approved my treatment. I haven’t heard back from the business office about whether I can stay in their apartments. I am basically just waiting for the next step.

And it’s killing me.

My anxiety is through the roof. The waiting. The not knowing. The anticipation.

So I’ve been coping the most effective ways I know how: laxatives and binging and purging. Unfortunately, the laxatives meant I got hardly any sleep last night, so now I’m exhausted on top of everything else. It’s a terrible cycle.

Phone calls and shit

I worked up the nerve to call the eating disorder clinic. I got their voice mail. I left a message. Hours later, I got a call back. However, my phone rang once and before I could answer, they hung up! I immediately called back, but again I just got their voice mail. I left another message. I haven’t heard back from them since.

Just as I was hanging up the last time, I shat myself. Damn laxatives. I haven’t even taken any today. I’m really trying to stop taking them. However, it’s causing me so much anxiety, I don’t know how long I’m going to last. It’s sad when, even after soiling myself, I’d rather take the laxatives because I don’t know how to deal with not taking them. I need to get into this eating disorder program. Why won’t they call me back? Tomorrow it will have been a week since we met. How long does it take to decide whether or not to let someone do your program?

Not as Planned

This morning’s intake assessment didn’t go well. The woman I met with doesn’t think I will utilize the program because I keep missing my DBT program and she’s not convinced I would show up for program at the clinic either.  I tried to convince her I would, that the reason I’m missing DBT is because I’m sick from the laxatives and I need their help to stop them. I tried explaining that I need that accountability, and that I’ve found it helpful in the past. She didn’t seem convinced. She said she would talk to her team and get back to me.

I’m so nervous they’re not going to admit me to any level of their program. I don’t know what I’ll do at that point.

Rough Day

I ate twice today. That’s more than I ate in the last week. I purged both times, and then took a handful of laxatives. I’ve been nauseous and dizzy all day. I just purged and took laxatives for the second time and now my chest hurts on top of the nausea and dizziness.

It hasn’t been a very productive day due to the way I’ve been feeling. I didn’t get any knitting done because I didn’t have the energy to lift my arms. I didn’t get any housework done because I was too nauseous to move around.

I’ll probably go to bed early because I just feel so blah.

Treatment Pursuit

This image was in my Facebook news feed this morning.

I have turned in my assessment forms for the eating disorder clinic. I have an intake appointment set up for next week, and a doctor appointment next week so my doctor can clear me for treatment. Things are moving forward. I just hope my insurance approves treatment and the clinic admits me. I need help. I can’t do this on my own anymore.