Conflicted

In art in treatment today, I made a pros and cons list for recovery. It was emotional and hard. I’m also not sure it was helpful in making any decisions as both sides came out pretty even.

I’ve been pretty ambivalent about treatment lately and really struggling since stepping down to IOP. I realized in my session with my psychiatrist this afternoon that I was doing better in PHP because it was very structured and that high level of structure mimicked my eating disorder in a way so I felt safe to eat more and keep it down. Now that I have much more free time, life feels chaotic again and I am seeking the comfort and structure that my eating disorder give.

I’m just not sure how to move past this and get back into a recovery mindset. My primary counselor has been out of town for the holidays and that’s also thrown me for a loop. I’m glad she returns tomorrow.

Advertisement

Transition

Above is a screenshot from the website for the treatment center where I’m receiving treatment. I’m currently in their partial hospitalization program, which is 10 hours a day, 7 days a week, but tomorrow I transition to intensive outpatient. I’m both nervous and excited about this. I feel like the real work of recovery happens in iop where I’m not being babysat by staff all day long and I actually have to do meals on my own. However, I just had a really rough pass and I’m still in a weird head space and I’m just nervous that I’m going to get into iop and completely relapse.

I was on a walk yesterday and I had the realization that I have been in treatment 5 times in the last 4 years. That was the first time I think I realized I really have a problem. A problem I don’t know how to fix. A problem bigger than myself. But I also believe that with the right help and hard work and diligence I can get better. I think I have the right help. I am trying to put in the hard work. Here’s hoping recovery is actually possible.

Another day in treatment

Here’s a picture of the common area (or as they call it, the milieu area) of my treatment center. Today is just another day in treatment. Today I will meet with my primary therapist, my psychiatrist, and my nutritionist, as well as have several skills and educational groups. I’ll eat all my meals and snacks there except my evening snack, which I’ll eat at home. Today I’ll move one step closer to recovery. To doing this on my own. It’s overwhelming at times, but it’s necessary.

The Waiting Game

I had my intake assessment for the PHP/EIOP at the eating disorder center this morning. It went pretty much as expected, I’ve been through it before. The worst part is just now waiting. The intake coordinator I met with this morning meets with her team on Tuesday morning to go over new intakes, so she said I’ll hear from her Tuesday or Wednesday of next week with their recommendation as to which program. I don’t know when I’ll hear about whether insurance will approve a higher level of care.

I’m trying hard to work on my own to cut down on my binging and purging because of my diabetes diagnosis yesterday, but I’m not having a lot of luck so far. However, I’m going to keep trying. And hopefully I get into the partial hospitalization program or evening intensive outpatient program to help out.

Busy week upcoming

I have an appointment every day this week. Two on Wednesday. Tomorrow I have an eye exam, Tuesday I meet with my psychiatrist, Wednesday I have my medical clearance for going back into eiop and I have my DBT group, Thursday I meet with my DBT therapist, Friday I have the intake assessment for eiop, and Saturday I have the orientation for volunteering at the children’s hospital to rock babies.

I’m not looking forward to it, when I have appointments every day, my fibromyalgia tends to act up more. Also, my eating disorder therapist wants me in php (partial hospitalization) instead of eiop (evening intensive outpatient), but I’m not even sure my insurance will approve another round of eiop, let alone php. They wouldn’t approve php earlier this year when it was recommended then, so I’m not holding my breath on being sent to php. Besides, I have no idea how I would get my schoolwork done if I’m in php, since it’s an all day program. And I wouldn’t be able to volunteer at the children’s hospital rocking babies. And I would have to quit my DBT program. So overall, eiop would be “better” for me. (I don’t know that it would be better at interrupting behaviors, but it would interrupt my life less.)

Disappointment & Frustration

I just got a call from the eating disorder clinic. They wouldn’t authorize the partial hospitalization program that my team and the eating disorder clinic wanted me in. They only authorized the evening intensive outpatient program, which is 4 nights a week.

I’m frustrated and disappointed. I know the EIOP can be helpful, and I will try to make it so, but I really feel like I need the PHP right now.

I go in Monday at 1pm. Normally I’ll be going in at 4:45pm-9pm, Monday-Thursday.

Admissions update

Almost as soon as I submitted my last post, I got a call from the eating disorder clinic. They are recommending partial hospitalization (their highest level of care) and want me to stay in their apartments for added support. They want me to start next week. They’re waiting to hear back from my insurance to make sure I’m approved for treatment.

I’m so relieved. I’m so nervous. I’m definitely overwhelmed.

I hope my insurance cooperates. I hate that they have the power to refuse my treatment against what the professionals recommend.

My goals for this week are to just get through with my sanity, try not to think about treatment too much, and lose a little weight before I have to start work on being healthy.

Painting Pottery

I spent time with my friend today. We had a lot of fun. We walked around a giant mall and she spent a ton of money. We also painted mugs! Above is mine, pre-glaze and firing. They said it’ll take 4-7 days for that. I can’t wait to see it all done! The colors will be darker/brighter and it’ll be all shiny!

We went in several clothing stores. I hate clothing stores an avoid them like the plague. I honestly don’t even know when I was last in one before today. I hate the ads and the mannequins and the mirrors and the dressing rooms and the other people looking at me, probably judging me. And the clothes, I hate the clothes.

I did get a snack while I was out. This friend is someone I met in PHP so I feel more comfortable eating around her than most people. I got something safe, but I ate nonetheless. She’s still rocking recovery and I wanted to support her.

I also finished the hat for my friend’s scarf today, so I can send her those. Next I’m going to work on tiny hats and scarves for my toddler niece and nephew! Hopefully, by the time I finish those, my book on left-handed knitting will be here and I’ll be able to branch out a little!

Relapse vs. Lapse

Where is the line between lapse and relapse? I haven’t eaten in days. I’m currently drinking coffee to numb the gnawing hunger and calm my anxiety. I’m in danger of being kicked out of eiop or being sent back to php. My counselor is planning to call my parents about my unwillingness to eat.

I can’t eat. I can’t. I don’t know why. I just can’t.

I worry I won’t sleep tonight because of the coffee.

I ran out of coffee, so I can’t rely on it for tomorrow. I have celery, but I can’t even get myself to eat that. Hungry, but unable to eat.

Progress

I have been thinking about the progress I’ve made in the last 9 weeks. I spent my first day in treatment in the ER due to extreme dehydration and now I’m getting ready to discharge and step down to evening intensive outpatient. I can’t believe the progress I’ve made. I have only purged once in the last 6 weeks. I can follow my meal plan on my own. This is the first time I’ve believed recovery is possible for me.