Above is a screenshot from the website for the treatment center where I’m receiving treatment. I’m currently in their partial hospitalization program, which is 10 hours a day, 7 days a week, but tomorrow I transition to intensive outpatient. I’m both nervous and excited about this. I feel like the real work of recovery happens in iop where I’m not being babysat by staff all day long and I actually have to do meals on my own. However, I just had a really rough pass and I’m still in a weird head space and I’m just nervous that I’m going to get into iop and completely relapse.
I was on a walk yesterday and I had the realization that I have been in treatment 5 times in the last 4 years. That was the first time I think I realized I really have a problem. A problem I don’t know how to fix. A problem bigger than myself. But I also believe that with the right help and hard work and diligence I can get better. I think I have the right help. I am trying to put in the hard work. Here’s hoping recovery is actually possible.
This weekend I took my first weekend pass from treatment. I had Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. Friday I had a doctor’s appointment with my rheumatologist and got labs done and then went over to my brothers’ place for a couple days of playing Magic: the Gathering. If you know anything about MtG, Unstable came out this weekend and I picked up a booster box to draft with. If you don’t know what MtG is, it’s a trading card game for adults. It was lots of fun.
Saturday was spent playing more MtG and then Sunday my sister, brother, and I went to a Broncos game. It was my first time attending a professional football game and it was so much fun. However, there was a lot of walking and stairs involved and of course my mind just kept calculating how much I was burning.
Food/eating-wise the weekend was rough. I didn’t eat at all Friday. Then I ate and purged everything on Saturday. Sunday I tried to get back on my meal plan but only managed to make it to 1,000 calories for the day.
Overall, I’m not sure I would call it a successful pass, but it was an enjoyable one despite the ED thoughts and behaviors.
Here’s a picture of the common area (or as they call it, the milieu area) of my treatment center. Today is just another day in treatment. Today I will meet with my primary therapist, my psychiatrist, and my nutritionist, as well as have several skills and educational groups. I’ll eat all my meals and snacks there except my evening snack, which I’ll eat at home. Today I’ll move one step closer to recovery. To doing this on my own. It’s overwhelming at times, but it’s necessary.
This first week back in treatment has been hard. I got hardly any schoolwork done, I ate meals and snacks every night with strangers, I’m overwhelmed with trying to follow my meal plan and not binge-and-purge and catch up on homework and deal with my emotions and everything that treatment entails. Now I’m on my own for the weekend and I’ve already purged 2 meals today and so want to binge and purge tonight. I am weary. I am tired from the week and from treatment. I need time off. I can’t wait until the semester is over.
Wow, it’s been a couple months since I posted last! I’ve been SUPER busy with school. My human anatomy and physiology class in particular is trying to kick my butt!
I’ve been in recovery limbo the last couple months. Issue with my insurance kept me from starting the evening intensive outpatient program like my psychiatrist wanted me to do after I left my ex and started spending all my free time binging and purging. School has helped reduce my binge/purge episodes, but I’m still struggling. Last week, my psychiatrist wrote a letter to my insurance company, and this week they FINALLY approved me to start the EIOP. So, Monday I will be starting back at the EIOP. I’m dreading it, and I have no idea how I’m going to get all my schoolwork done, but I know I need this right now.
“Women don’t eat, they just stare at it and then jump on the treadmill.”
I’m going to try a new plan: when I feel like binging and purging, I’m going to hop on my stationary bike instead until, hopefully, the urge passes. I don’t know if my plan will work, but I need to try something.
I’m still really struggling with binging and purging, though I did manage to cut down on the number of binges and purges a little today. That also means I was able to cut down a little on the amount of laxatives I took, since I take them after each time I purge. What I’m happiest about, however, is that I somehow managed to get 100% on my test today. Despite all the binging and purging I’ve been doing instead of studying, I still managed to eke out enough studying between binges to do well on my test. I’m still behind in my other class, but I have a couple weeks before my first test to catch up. I’m just treading water here, but I’m surviving and that’s important.