I have a little brother. He just sent me a text telling me he wants to dye his hair and beard periwinkle next February for eating disorder awareness month.
We have never really talked about my eating disorder. He’s grown up with it, but it’s been the white elephant that no one will acknowledge.
I love this kid (he’s 11 years younger) and he has such a sweet spirit. He has such a way of melting my heart. As he just did.
While browsing the web, I came across a list titled “You know You’re Bulimic When…” that several people had contributed to. I copied the ones that resonated with me.
- You can’t walk past the laxative aisle without wanting to binge. (Or wanting to pick up a ton)
- When you know you’ll have time alone and plan out a huge binge, and feel happy about this.
- When you tell yourself that your meal is healthy enough, or that you won’t eat enough to trigger you and still end up back at the toilet.
- When you look at foods and sum up how easy they’d be to purge on a scale of super easy to jeez I don’t want to do this (and usually do anyhow)
- When you are jealous of anorexics
- When you are doing good at restricting yourself from food completely, but then you eat…and keep eating.
- When you binge and purge instead of sleep. (all the time)
- When you feel so so exhausted after a day of not doing nothing but eating and throwing up.
- When you count the hours until your laxatives kick in
- You have a separate section on your grocery lists for b/p foods
- When you weigh yourself everyday and let that decide how much you are allowed to eat
- Having people tell you you’re wasting food and money (thanks, mom)
- Any feeling of fullness in your stomach sets off the need to purge.
- When you eat healthy and still feel the need to purge
- Getting excited to binge and purge
And here are some of my own:
- The cashiers at the local grocery stores know you, and you worry about whether they take notice of how much food you buy…all the time.
- You argue with yourself over whether to pay rent or buy binge food.
- You throw away extra binge food to try to keep yourself from binging the next day.
- You end up just buying more binge food the next day anyway.
- Trying to follow your meal plan triggers binging and purging
- Not eating triggers binging and purging
- Binging and purging triggers binging and purging
- Pretty much <insert anything here> triggers binging and purging
- You avoid certain foods because of the way they taste the second time around
- You can binge on thousands of calories worth of food, but eating a normal meal or snack makes you cry.
I could probably keep going for the next hour.
I came across this while looking for information on low iron in bulimics. I’m not sure why, but it made me laugh.
And also with Pokemon pins.
This morning I felt overwhelmed by my meal plan.
Somehow my rain took this and went, “The only logical thing to do now is to eat ALL the meal plan food!”
So, I ate the rest of my granola, drank half a bottle of orange juice, ate 7 cups of yogurt, and the rest of the peanut butter.
Because why not?
You know what helps bulimia-induced dizziness?
Binging and purging.
Oh, that makes it worse, you say? My bad. I guess my brain lied to me again.
I’ve been dizzy and light-headed for the last 12 hours straight. I’ve also binged and purged several times in the last 12 hours. That might have something to do with it.
It’s getting pretty old. Every time I move, turn my head, change my gaze, etc, I get a new wave of dizziness and feel like I might pass out.
Guess who’s on Ambien now??
That’s right, this girl!
I took it for the first time last night. I don’t I did anything weird, which is a relief. I did, however, have a slew of crazy and bizarre dreams.
However, after doing some research, I’m just not sure this is a drug I should be on, considering my history with mental illness.
We’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck.