Tag Archives: shopping

Two big milestones

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I did something today that I hate and avoid at all costs. Something I hate so much that I haven’t done it in 2 years. I went clothes shopping. I even tried on clothes in the store! Normally, I buy the size I think I am, as well as a size bigger and a size smaller, and I take them home and try them all on, and take back what doesn’t fit. Today, I was brave enough to go to the dressing rooms and try on the clothes in the store.

On top of that, I haven’t worn pants in years. I only wear dresses and skirts because I feel like pants show off my fat. However, I bought a bike yesterday and I know it’s way easier to ride a bike in pants than a skirt, (or at least the floor length skirts I wear) so I bought some pants today. Not just pants, I bought skinny jeans. I can’t believe I did, but I did. Hopefully I will have the courage to actually wear them.

I wonder if they suspect

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My laxatives came in the mail today. Woooh!

As I was opening the package, I realized that I always order from teh same place because it’s the cheapest I’ve found. I wonder if they wonder why someone needs so many laxatives, so often. I wonder if they suspect. I wonder if they think I’m chronically constipated.

I’m glad to have the relative anonymity of purchasing online.

Eating is selfish

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I went to the store this morning. I bought food.

A lot of food.

The whole time I was shopping, I had this horrible feeling of impending doom. A nagging feeling that I shouldn’t be spending this money on all this food.

Or any food.

I bought a combination of normal food and binge food. More regular food than binge food.

I went to the checkout and stood in line unable to hide the shame of being a fat person buying food.

I avoided eye contact and I rushed out of the store as quickly as possible.

When I got home, I thought about posting that I finally did something with my money, and that I chose the selfish option.

After a few minutes, it occurred to me that I equate buying food for myself with being selfish. Eating is the ultimate selfish act.

I am a selfish person, and I consistently waste food on a person who doesn’t deserve to eat.

Instead of using my money to buy gifts for my now two friends who just had babies, instead of getting something for my newly engaged friend, instead of buying anything for any number of people, I spent that money on myself.

Because I am selfish.

Indecisiveness if getting the better of me

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So, I’ve been purging again. I managed to go two and a half weeks while letting my mouth heal. However, it doesn’t seem to be healing very quickly, and I couldn’t hold out anymore. Let me tell you, purging with 4 gaping holes in your mouth is pretty painful. Don’t do it. (I should make a list of all the hypocritical advice I give out.)

I was given $50. At first I was excited. Now, I just feel anxious. I’ve had it for a few days and still have no idea what to do with it. Sometimes, I want to spend it on registration for some 5k races. Other times, I want to use it to buy groceries, like a responsible, non-disordered adult should do. Still other times I want to buy ALL the binge food, or order something to binge on like Chinese or pizza. Lastly, I sometimes want to use it to buy things I need or want.

I’ve filled up my cart on Amazon about 6 times with different items, getting to the final check out screen, but unable to actually submit the order. I’ve thought a dozen times of asking for a ride to the grocery store. I’ve filled out the registration information for 3 or 4 different races I want to do in the next couple months.

I never commit to any of them.

I feel like I’m sitting on a treasure with no clue what I’m supposed to do with it.

I look at my scale and rush to buy diet pills and laxatives.

I try to study, feel overwhelmed, and almost pick up the phone to order food.

I look at other people eating normal meals and feel guilty that I currently have crackers, Boca patties, and yogurt in my house. Is this recovery? No, buy normal food.

I feel bored and think of various games or books I want to buy.

Why can’t I just pick something?

Then I feel guilty for being so selfish. Maybe I should use the money to buy a gift for my friend who just had a baby. Maybe I should help out my sister, who’s moving several hours away from her home. Maybe I should do something sweet for my parents. Maybe I should buy something special for my kitty.

I look at my balance. I close the app on my phone. A few hours later, I check it again, no closer to a decision.

Why?

I’ve never had trouble spending money.

I love to shop. Plus, I can always think of something bulimia-related that I “need”. Why the difference this time?

Another update and a shopping spree

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I took my kitty to the vet today. She said that overall my cat seems to be in great health. I got so many comments on how sweet and friendly she is. The vet said my cat was diagnosed with idiopathic epilepsy.

While I’m relieved that it wasn’t something like cancer or brain damage or liver disease, I’m still very sad and worried about my poor kitty.

When I got done at the vet, I had an email that I had an Amazon gift card available from filling out a survey a couple weeks ago. Yay!

I bought an arm band to put my phone in while I’m out walking/running and some laxatives. I haven’t had laxatives for about a month and I have pooped maybe twice in that time. Blech!

Also, over two weeks after having my wisdom teeth pulled, my mouth is still in a lot of pain. I see the dentist again in the morning, we’ll see what he says.

How I buy clothes

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I bought clothes last night. I desperately needed to, but I dread buying clothes. I do so less than once a year.

This is my method:

  1. Go to the store during non-peak hours
  2. Go straight to the area with the type of clothing I wish to buy, this time, summer dresses
  3. Pull out every article that I might even remotely like and is around what size I think I might be this time, sometimes buying 2 or three sizes of the same thing just to be safe.
  4. Go home and try everything on.
  5. Sort things into “fits,” “slightly too small, need to lose weight,” and “too big or too small, return”.
  6. May or may not get around to actually returning what’s too big or small.
  7. Work hard to lose weight to be comfortable in the items that are just slightly too small.
  8. ???
  9. Profit

I also only wear loose/flowing skirts and dresses. I don’t wear pants unless absolutely necessary. Skirts and dresses work better for someone who’s weight is constantly fluctuating, in my opinion. Also, I’m far more comfortable in them. In pants, I feel like everyone is looking at my body, and that every fold and bulge and layer of fat shows. I can’t feel calm ever in pants. Wearing a comfy dress is like wearing a socially acceptable and fashionable blanket all the time.

Last night, I bought 5 new dresses that fit, 4 dresses that “fit” (other people think they fit, but I feel are too tight), and 2 that didn’t fit (one was too big, the other too small).

Now to lose enough to feel comfortable in the smaller dresses.