Above is a screenshot from the website for the treatment center where I’m receiving treatment. I’m currently in their partial hospitalization program, which is 10 hours a day, 7 days a week, but tomorrow I transition to intensive outpatient. I’m both nervous and excited about this. I feel like the real work of recovery happens in iop where I’m not being babysat by staff all day long and I actually have to do meals on my own. However, I just had a really rough pass and I’m still in a weird head space and I’m just nervous that I’m going to get into iop and completely relapse.
I was on a walk yesterday and I had the realization that I have been in treatment 5 times in the last 4 years. That was the first time I think I realized I really have a problem. A problem I don’t know how to fix. A problem bigger than myself. But I also believe that with the right help and hard work and diligence I can get better. I think I have the right help. I am trying to put in the hard work. Here’s hoping recovery is actually possible.
Today was my last therapy session with my eating disorder therapist. She’s leaving the eating disorder center where I go to go into private practice. While I can’t fault her on this, it’s been rough on me. I have a hard time connecting well with therapists and I thought we had a good connection. I felt comfortable with her. I’m not looking forward to starting over with a new therapist. And I’m scared to not have a good relationship with the new one. My mind has been telling me this is a good point to just stop recovery and take a break from it all. I know, however, that this would mean going back to my eating disorder 100%. I’m not prepared to do that. I’ve worked to hard for the little bit of progress I’ve made. I need to keep working on recovery.
I had a slip tonight. I binged and purged. I feel like a failure. I don’t plan to stay stuck in this slip, but it still feels like I’ve failed.
On the bright side, I dyed my hair blue today. It looks great.
Where is the line between lapse and relapse? I haven’t eaten in days. I’m currently drinking coffee to numb the gnawing hunger and calm my anxiety. I’m in danger of being kicked out of eiop or being sent back to php. My counselor is planning to call my parents about my unwillingness to eat.
I can’t eat. I can’t. I don’t know why. I just can’t.
I worry I won’t sleep tonight because of the coffee.
I ran out of coffee, so I can’t rely on it for tomorrow. I have celery, but I can’t even get myself to eat that. Hungry, but unable to eat.
I didn’t eat breakfast or snack today. I left the house without shoes. I came home from treatment and binged and purged multiple times.
I know I should be, but I’m very excited.
The last two times I abused laxatives, my parents searched my things, took them, and threw them away. Because I’m 15.
This time, I thought long and hard about how and where to find them and how not to be found out. Because that’s what people with eating disorders do, they just get more and more creative.
I also got an exercise bike.
I get I’m determined to make this relapse count.
I hadn’t put into word, but that definitely seems to be what I’m doing.
I didn’t have the energy to set it up in my room today, but hopefully this weekend I’ll get everything settled. I just need to get back into my clothes in the box in my closet labeled “too small”. Clothes I love, but can’t wear anymore. Clothes I’m not even close to fitting anymore.
But I will get back there.