Lack of motivation

I went to bed early last night. Partly because I was up all weekend playing video games and drinking with my brothers, and partly because I just didn’t know what else to do. Today, I should be working on school, but I’m not. This afternoon I should be going to treatment, but I don’t want to. I could be knitting, but I just don’t have the motivation for anything. I barely got through a shower. And I had to really work up to taking it. And only because I knew I actually can’t skip treatment tonight because it could jeopardize my insurance coverage. If I wasn’t going anywhere (like I want) I wouldn’t have showered. I stayed in bed 2 hours late. I haven’t eaten today. I’m considering taking a nap, just to pass time.

Searching for motivation

I was thinking this morning about checking out a local eating disorder support group, but then I began to wonder why I wanted to go. Was it because I want to work toward recovery again? 

No, that wasn’t it. 

I think my true motivation was that I feel so disconnected and isolated right now that I just wanted to connect with someone, in person, who gets it. 

Then I wondered whether it was appropriate to attend a recovery-themed support group if you don’t actually want to recover. 

I don’t know the answer to that. 

I also began to wonder how I could find motivation to want to recover. Or whether I even want to want to recover. 

I don’t know. 

I considered this morning pursuing treatment again. Again, though, not because I wanted to recover. I miss the community feel of being in treatment. I miss the bubble of being consistently around others who understand what it’s like, who laugh at my morbid, ED-related jokes, who can relate to the fears and irrational thoughts. 

Part of me feels guilty that I don’t want to recover because I feel like I’m “supposed to” recover. Like it’s the morally right thing to do, abd therefore I am morally wrong for not doing it. Not even that my actions are wrong, but that I myself am wrong. 

Anyway, I should wrap this up. I’m in the chair at the dentist’s office and I want to publish this before he comes in. 

How I buy clothes

I bought clothes last night. I desperately needed to, but I dread buying clothes. I do so less than once a year.

This is my method:

1. Go to the store during non-peak hours
2. Go straight to the area with the type of clothing I wish to buy, this time, summer dresses
3. Pull out every article that I might even remotely like and is around what size I think I might be this time, sometimes buying 2 or three sizes of the same thing just to be safe.
4. Go home and try everything on.
5. Sort things into “fits,” “slightly too small, need to lose weight,” and “too big or too small, return”.
6. May or may not get around to actually returning what’s too big or small.
7. Work hard to lose weight to be comfortable in the items that are just slightly too small.
8. ???
9. Profit

I also only wear loose/flowing skirts and dresses. I don’t wear pants unless absolutely necessary. Skirts and dresses work better for someone who’s weight is constantly fluctuating, in my opinion. Also, I’m far more comfortable in them. In pants, I feel like everyone is looking at my body, and that every fold and bulge and layer of fat shows. I can’t feel calm ever in pants. Wearing a comfy dress is like wearing a socially acceptable and fashionable blanket all the time.

Last night, I bought 5 new dresses that fit, 4 dresses that “fit” (other people think they fit, but I feel are too tight), and 2 that didn’t fit (one was too big, the other too small).

Now to lose enough to feel comfortable in the smaller dresses.