I saw this on Instagram and oh, how relevant. I really struggle with water restriction as well as food restriction so it’s hard for me to get any water in at all, and I never get enough in. I was awake all night with insomnia, and I ate green beans at 4am, which I promptly purged. I’m a wreck. And I wonder why I have a migraine that won’t go away.
It’s one of those nights when I’m awake every half hour. It makes the night drag. I just want some restful sleep.
I woke up from a dream at 5am, sobbing.
After calming down, I noticed I still felt sick. I didn’t know if it was a continuation from yesterday or from the laxatives I took before bed, but it made falling back asleep difficult.
I finally fell asleep sometime after 6:30 and my “don’t ever sleep past this time” alarm woke me at 9am. I was crying again.
I was down (weight) again, so I let myself eat breakfast.
From my second morning on the Psychiatric Wing.
Yesterday, my counselor told me that pain is part of being human. She told me, “You can’t grieve your sister without feeling the pain and hurt and anger of losing her. And you can’t heal from the rapes and abuse unless you let yourself feel.” I know she is right, but the idea scares me tremendously.
It’s Saturday morning, 5:40. I’m waiting for 6 o’clock so I can take a shower. There are 2 showers on the wing and they don’t only let you use them between 6am and 10:30pm.
I’m tired physically, and keep yawning, but every time I lie down, I feel wide awake. Around 4:00, I got up to check the time (no clocks in the rooms) and another patient was up too. She asked if I wanted to play chess or checkers, neither of which I care for. We settled on Uno. We played several games, and both went back to bed around 5:00. I tried for 35 minutes to sleep, but was restless and just tossed and turned. It sounded like I might be keeping my roommate awake, so I grabbed my pen and paper and now I’m in the common area.
Earlier I was getting water from the kitchen when I saw a personal sized box of cereal. I so wanted to eat it. Eat it and purge it. And even though there were no other patients around to see me eat outside of mealtime, I knew there are cameras everywhere and a staff member would see me and judge me.
Ten minutes until I can shower…
Last night was pretty pretty terrible. My body was in so much fibromyalgia pain, combined with muscle fatigue, everything ached, and I just lay in my bed and cried. For a couple hours.
My sleep last night was fitful, and filled with unpleasant dreams. I woke up with a terrible migraine. I wanted to stay in bed, but I had to get up because people were coming by to inspect the units.
I didn’t have time right away to do my weighing routine because I still had a few thing to take care of this morning. (You know, making my bed, cleaning the cat litter, stuff I couldn’t really do last night, or needed to be done again.)
Because I hadn’t weighed yet, I couldn’t drink or eat anything because I needed to get as accurate a weight as possible. They about an hour after arriving (they kept going in and out, checking different things) and the first thing I did was run to the bathroom, undress, and weigh myself.
I was down 3 pounds. Finally, after a month of over exercising on top of my normal behaviors, and having absolutely NO weight loss, it’s starting to budge. It kind of makes me want to not start PHP next week because I’m finally making progress.
I’m lying here in my bed…still. It’s officially morning. I can’t lie still. I shake my legs to diminish, slightly, the pain. They ache. It’s not muscle soreness from the bike, just a deep, painful ache. Usually, this is a sign that my potassium or magnesium is low.
I do feel the muscle soreness, however. Every shake and every movement is a reminder of the hours spent on my bike yesterday. I stayed on it until 2am. Four hours ago. Yet, each tender reminder hurts less than the ache, so it’s worth aggravating the soreness.
The birds are singing outside my window. I wish they would stop. They are so chipper and I am so tired.
I want to get up and weigh myself. I want to get up and use my bike. I want to get up an weigh, then exercise, then weigh again. Instead, I lie here, legs twitching and shaking, begging for sleep.
I fear it will never come.
It’s 5am. I can’t sleep. The Ambien didn’t help. The sun is coming up and I have yet to sleep a wink.
Later today, I’m supposed to be getting together with a friend to play board and card games. I hope I’m lucid enough to play.