The Strange Silence

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I’m still not eating. I’ve accepted it at this point. I’ve embraced it.

It feels like a calm, cloudy day. One of those days when it’s abnormally silent. I’m not sure how to describe it. A sweet calm.

Unfortunately, I’m also struggling to consume water. Not only that, but to have the desire to drink water.

In other news, I didn’t go out today. The friend I was supposed to go out with this afternoon wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t actually have bus money to get to that support group. I need to pull out some cash.

I also slept until noon today. I think probably because I was awake most of the night running to the bathroom. Thank you, laxatives, and thank you, me, for taking so many yesterday during my little freak out.

My alarm went off this morning and I was so tired that I didn’t even stay awake long enough to reset it. When I did finally get up, I exercised, took laxatives (I know…), took my meds (yay!), took my diet pills (shhh…), then spent several hours in pain and nausea, still feeling the effects of yesterday’s laxative debacle.

I eventually found a position where, if I held really still, it almost didn’t hurt. I took it easy on the laxatives today.

Tomorrow I’m (in theory) hanging out with a different friend. I have zero idea what we’re doing. It’ll be nice to get out, but I’m also dreading it. I don’t know why it’s so hard to actually go out and do things when I know that I enjoy myself once I’m out.

I’m going to bed soon and hopefully I’ll be able to sleep pretty quickly. You would think that, with eating one meal (that was purged) in the last four days, I would be tired. However, I find myself having a harder and harder time falling asleep. It’s highly frustrating. There are fewer things I dislike more than lying awake at night trying to sleep.

Wish me luck!

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9 responses »

  1. I know what you’re going through as I have no desire to eat or even drink but I do it more because I know it’s time I should. By that stage my mouth and lips are usually dry.
    Not sure if it’s simply a side effect of the seroquel or something else.

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  2. I know what you mean about not wanting to go go out even though you know when you do you will actually enjoy it. I dread social occasions – even with my closest friends and family- and yet when it come to them most of the time I enjoy them. Hope you have fun going out today x

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  3. Caffeine is almost certainly keeping you awake. And hunger. And the cramps and need to get up to evacuate what little or nothing there is in your bowels from the laxatives. I wish you could stop with the laxatives, especially as you’re not currently eating. I’m not going to nag or tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, because I’m not living in your head dealing with your issues, but please, try.

    Actually, I’m a liar. I am going to nag about one thing. Please drink some water. Laxatives, diet pill, no liquid and you will be seriously, horribly ill. You need some fluid, so please, please, please, try to get some water down you. Even if it’s just a little. Nagging over. Sending love your way and hoping you can get some sleep.

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  4. I can’t seem to leave the house either. Its been four days now and I have an exam on Tuesday that I don’t think I will be able to go to. I’m an ED sufferer and recent depression & anxiety is driving me insane (no pun intended). I hope you managed to get out. I’m not sure how I’m going to do it! Sending positive thoughts your way!

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