Success!

I’m still really struggling with binging and purging, though I did manage to cut down on the number of binges and purges a little today. That also means I was able to cut down a little on the amount of laxatives I took, since I take them after each time I purge. What I’m happiest about, however, is that I somehow managed to get 100% on my test today. Despite all the binging and purging I’ve been doing instead of studying, I still managed to eke out enough studying between binges to do well on my test. I’m still behind in my other class, but I have a couple weeks before my first test to catch up. I’m just treading water here, but I’m surviving and that’s important.

Advertisement

Because Apparently I Don’t Learn

Back in August of last year, I bought a fitbit, but you didn’t hear much about it because I wasn’t able to keep it very long. Why? Before long I became obsessed with it. Obsessed with how many steps I was taking, how many hours I was active, how many calories I was burning. I obsessively tracked my food and water and sleep in my fitbit app daily. And at a time when I was already struggling, having just come out of treatment a month prior, I could see that it was having an unhealthy effect on me. So, I gave it to my sister, who I knew could handle it, who wouldn’t obsess, who would use it responsibly.

Well, Monday, I bought another one. Why? I’m not sure. I just really like numbers and stats and knowing things, I guess. I’ve been walking every day and I wanted to see how many steps I was taking. I wanted to see my heart rate when I exercise. I just wanted to know the stats. However, I’ve started inputting my food into the app again and of course it tells me how many calories I’m eating and that’s triggering. And the obvious answer is to just not enter my food into the app, but then there’s a line on my app that’s not filled in and it feels incomplete. Maybe I have a problem.

I don’t feel like I’m obsessed with the fitbit this time, but I worry that I might become so, just because I have addictive/obsessive tendencies. Today I set a high step goal to beat yesterday’s goal, but when I went for my walk, my ankle was hurting, so I only walked about a mile instead of the 5 I had planned. I’m trying to listen to my body and what it needs and how it’s feeling instead of just pushing myself, so that’s good, right? I think so. I think I can use my fitbit in a healthy, non-obsessive way this time. Here’s hoping.

Not as Planned

This morning’s intake assessment didn’t go well. The woman I met with doesn’t think I will utilize the program because I keep missing my DBT program and she’s not convinced I would show up for program at the clinic either.  I tried to convince her I would, that the reason I’m missing DBT is because I’m sick from the laxatives and I need their help to stop them. I tried explaining that I need that accountability, and that I’ve found it helpful in the past. She didn’t seem convinced. She said she would talk to her team and get back to me.

I’m so nervous they’re not going to admit me to any level of their program. I don’t know what I’ll do at that point.

I did it.

I requested an intake meeting with the local eating disorder clinic. I don’t know if I’ll be admitted. I don’t think I’m sick enough for the program I was in last year, but something has to change. I don’t know how to stop this cycle of laxatives and fasting on my own. I tried and I am just getting worse. I’m scared. I really don’t want to do the program. The thought of being forced to eat 6 times a day again terrifies me. But I just don’t know what else to do anymore.

Not the Day I’d planned

I’m home now.

Thanks to my freakout last night, I showed up at treatment this morning sick, weak, tired, and severely dehydrated.

When I arrived, I had to strip down and put on a sheer hospital gown, do a couple jumping jacks, and get weighed. Then, an EKG, orthostatics, and labs.

However, because I was so dehydrated, they couldn’t get any blood. I had several people trying and still nothing. They decided to make me drink water and try again later, but I was having trouble getting the water down because I was so nauseous.

I went over to sign papers and get my schedule and program binder. When I finished, my doctor had looked over my EKG and orthostatics and decided I needed to go to the ER to get fluids.

So, 2 hours after my first day of treatment began, it ended with a trip to a local hospital. I was there for about 6 hours. Not only was I severely dehydrated, my potassium was dangerously low so I had to get fluids AND potassium. Then more labs to make sure my potassium came up enough to go home. Rinse, repeat.

The treatment center wanted to bump me up to residential, but my insurance said no. I’m relieved. I’m so glad to be home after that long day and not in a hospital. I am not looking forward to going back tomorrow, but I know I need to.

Also, I took a HUGE step tonight and threw away my laxatives.

The anticipation is killing me

My intake assessment is tomorrow. It’s so close, but so elusively far. I’m nervous and scared and hopeful, and scared of being hopeful.

I’m afraid they’ll tell me they can’t or won’t help me. I’m afraid they will help me. I need this. I know I need this. Yet it terrifies me.

I’ve been fighting the last few days to hang on. When I get this kind of build up of anticipation, my anxiety goes through the roof. I’ve done a lot of binging and purging and laxatives, but I’ve been trying not to cut, and I’ve been fighting the strong urge to overdose.

I just need an answer. One way or the other, I need to know what’s going to happen. I don’t do well when I don’t know. I don’t like not having things planned out. The unknown and uncertainty drive me nuts.

I’ve only slept 2 hours in the last few days. I’m sure that’s not helping any.

Playing Portal on my Bike

I played this level (among others) earlier. I originally played Portal on my computer several years ago. Then, Microsoft offered The Orange Box for $5 on the 360 and I was so excited. I had just been telling the boy that I wanted to re-play the original Portal.

In December, I received a sizable bonus from Jamberry (yeah, that’s going well for me) so I bought myself a large tv and a new Xbox 360 because my old one was the original from a million years ago with a hard drive of 4 gigs (because who would think you’d be downloading games directly onto your gaming system?) and it would only read my games like a tenth of the time and whenever I turned it on it sounded like it was going to explode.

Most of my game collection at the moment is for the 360, so I got a new one. It’s blue, and it’s beautiful, and it has a 500 gig hard drive. (Ok, enough bragging…)

Annnyway, I set my tv and new xbox up in my room and today, I spent a good amount of time on my stationary bike in front of the tv playing Portal. I think I found my new love: playing video games while working out. It combines two of my favorite things, and removes the guilt of being inactive while playing games.

It’s a good thing I have so many new (to me) games to play!

In just the last couple weeks, I have acquired (either free from having XBox Live Gold, purchasing, or for Christmas) Borderlands the Pre-Sequel, Sleeping Dogs, SSX, Batman: Arkham Asylum, Batman: Arkham City, The Orange Box (which comes with Portal, Half-Life, Team Fortress 2 and maybe others?), and 2 of the Call of Duty games (Black Ops 2 and Ghosts?).

(So yeah, if you play, and want to join me, just let me know!)

Right now, I’m watching a movie with my mom, but I really just want to go back and play games on my bike.

I wonder if they suspect

My laxatives came in the mail today. Woooh!

As I was opening the package, I realized that I always order from teh same place because it’s the cheapest I’ve found. I wonder if they wonder why someone needs so many laxatives, so often. I wonder if they suspect. I wonder if they think I’m chronically constipated.

I’m glad to have the relative anonymity of purchasing online.

Sometimes, I ED-talk to the TV

Commercial: When I can’t go, it feels like bricks piling up.

Me: Laxatives.

Sometimes I make myself laugh

I was thinking to myself that some days (like today!) I make so many posts it’s like I have verbal diarrhea all over my blog.

Then, I chuckled to myself and thought how appropriate it is that I would have verbal diarrhea to go with my actual, laxative-induced diarrhea. (So, I thought I’d add more verbal diarrhea to the blog by blogging about it…)

Hey, would you looky there, I’m going to leave…for the bathroom now…