Almost as soon as I submitted my last post, I got a call from the eating disorder clinic. They are recommending partial hospitalization (their highest level of care) and want me to stay in their apartments for added support. They want me to start next week. They’re waiting to hear back from my insurance to make sure I’m approved for treatment.
I’m so relieved. I’m so nervous. I’m definitely overwhelmed.
I hope my insurance cooperates. I hate that they have the power to refuse my treatment against what the professionals recommend.
My goals for this week are to just get through with my sanity, try not to think about treatment too much, and lose a little weight before I have to start work on being healthy.
I worked up the nerve to call the eating disorder clinic. I got their voice mail. I left a message. Hours later, I got a call back. However, my phone rang once and before I could answer, they hung up! I immediately called back, but again I just got their voice mail. I left another message. I haven’t heard back from them since.
Just as I was hanging up the last time, I shat myself. Damn laxatives. I haven’t even taken any today. I’m really trying to stop taking them. However, it’s causing me so much anxiety, I don’t know how long I’m going to last. It’s sad when, even after soiling myself, I’d rather take the laxatives because I don’t know how to deal with not taking them. I need to get into this eating disorder program. Why won’t they call me back? Tomorrow it will have been a week since we met. How long does it take to decide whether or not to let someone do your program?
I didn’t used to be afraid of elevators. I used to enjoy when I had to take the elevator. It was like a mini theme park ride.
Today, I had to take an elevator. It filled me with fear.
I don’t think I mentioned in all the chaos that was going on while my dad was in the hospital (or maybe I did) that I got stuck in the hospital elevator on my last day there. The elevator fell several feet and then stopped, with me trapped inside. It terrified me. Mostly the fall. Now, I’m afraid every elevator is going to fall.
Sorry for my silly doodles, I get bored.
This pro/con chart was filled out using a made-up example we were given in the group. Yours will look different based on what scenario you’re charting.
Here are this week’s handouts. Yesterday we learned about STOP.
Take a step back
We also learned about what Crisis Survival Skills are and when you should use them. STOP is just one Crisis Survival Skill, and so far the only one I know.
I tried using STOP yesterday when I was having an anxiety attack over being in the car (being on the freeway, especially, terrifies me) but it didn’t work. However, that may just be because I’m not practiced in it yet. Or, maybe it’s the wrong skill for the situation. I don’t know. But the important part is that I tried it.
I had worried about sharing my DBT handouts on my blog. I worried my audience would find it boring. However, I received a very heartwarming email thanking me for sharing them, so I’ve decided to continue for now. My hope is that they find someone who need the skills but doesn’t have a DBT program in their area.
But please, do let me knwo what you think of me sharing, whether you like it or not. If you aren’t interested in reading my DBT handouts each week, I might just start a new blog for them. However, I kind of want to keep it here as it’s all part of my eating disorder recovery journey, which is what this blog is about. So feel free to weigh in either way!
I told the guy that I can’t be in a relationship with him. I told him I can’t be the girl he wants me to be. I can’t not be anxious and I can’t not be bipolar and I can’t believe that one day I’ll be instantly healed. I can’t do daily phone calls because phone calls make me anxious and I can’t be there for him the way he wants. I just can’t be what he wants. And being with him just makes me feel inadequate.
I started a new scarf today using the pattern above (the picture links to the pattern). I’ve been meaning to start the scarf for a few days now but the original pattern I was going to use had me a little intimidated. However, today I decided to just get started. Unfortunately, when I went to sit down and do it, the website with the pattern was down, so I had to search for another pattern. I landed on this one because I wanted something lacy and feminine for my niece and I was pretty sure I could figure out the pattern. So, after youtubing the stitches, I got to work!
I tested the pattern on an extra skein of yarn I have first to make sure I actually understood the pattern. Once I had that down, I started the real thing. It’s only about 6 inches long so far, but I’ve started! And considering it’s only going to be about 2 and a half feet long, I think I made good progress!
Today was productive in some other ways too, in the sense that I did some housecleaning and got in a workout, but between my lingering fibromyalgia pain and my anxiety, I wasn’t up to leaving the house for a walk. I did do my nails, though, and that always makes me feel a little better about myself.
My weight has plateaued. Plus, it’s at the same weight it was at before I started losing weight, which makes me think I wasn’t actually losing weight at all. Arg!
In other news, I spent much of the last couple of days in bed, sick. I still got in my workouts, but most of the rest of my time was spent horizontal, sick and nauseous. Partly I think it was too many laxatives, but partly I think it was just sickness.
Tomorrow I’m going to hang out with a friend. While I enjoy hanging out with her, I always get such high anxiety before going out with anyone.
I got a call this morning from the mental health clinic. My last psychiatrist left, so I had to start seeing a new one. I was supposed to see her on Thursday. However, I was told this morning that the new one quit so I can’t see anyone right now. What?? They have other psychiatrists, but I can’t see anyone? Not anyone at all?
So between the weight, the anxiety, and the psychiatrist, I’m very frustrated today.
My anxiety has been really bad lately.
This evening, I was supposed to go to a barbecue with a friend. I didn’t really want to go in the first place, but she didn’t want to go alone.
Today, my anxiety was very high. I was freaking out about going. I canceled on her.
I feel terrible. I also feel relieved.
I hate that my anxiety makes me an awful, flaky friend. I hate that it keeps me from doing things I want to, or should, do. I wish I knew how to fight it or change it, but I don’t. I’ve tried everything my counselor suggests and nothing helps.
I’ve been playing phone tag with staff from the center all weekend. This afternoon, I finally got in touch with the clinical director. She wants me to come in tomorrow morning for a meeting. She wanted me to come in for program, but all I could agree to, through tears and anxiety, was a meeting.
I’ve been having floods of emotion, moments of panic, periods of numbness since learning I’ll be starting partial hospitalization this week. I was told I would get more information today, and didn’t, so that added to my anxiety. In an effort to help myself calm down, I decided to art.
The first one I did was “How I Feel Now”. I am the center dot, retracted into myself, dark, trying just to hang on amidst the emotions surrounding me. Each level of emotion is spiky because it feels spiky and jarring. The bright colors in the center are “activating” emotions like anxiety, panic, excitement, and motivation and are like an explosion outward. The darker colors around them are immobilizing emotions like depression, overwhelmed, and fear, and are like an implosion, pushing inward.
The next one was my interpretation of what my emotions would look like if I were calm. It made me think of waves, or a gently flowing river.