The Strange Silence

I’m still not eating. I’ve accepted it at this point. I’ve embraced it.

It feels like a calm, cloudy day. One of those days when it’s abnormally silent. I’m not sure how to describe it. A sweet calm.

Unfortunately, I’m also struggling to consume water. Not only that, but to have the desire to drink water.

In other news, I didn’t go out today. The friend I was supposed to go out with this afternoon wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t actually have bus money to get to that support group. I need to pull out some cash.

I also slept until noon today. I think probably because I was awake most of the night running to the bathroom. Thank you, laxatives, and thank you, me, for taking so many yesterday during my little freak out.

My alarm went off this morning and I was so tired that I didn’t even stay awake long enough to reset it. When I did finally get up, I exercised, took laxatives (I know…), took my meds (yay!), took my diet pills (shhh…), then spent several hours in pain and nausea, still feeling the effects of yesterday’s laxative debacle.

I eventually found a position where, if I held really still, it almost didn’t hurt. I took it easy on the laxatives today.

Tomorrow I’m (in theory) hanging out with a different friend. I have zero idea what we’re doing. It’ll be nice to get out, but I’m also dreading it. I don’t know why it’s so hard to actually go out and do things when I know that I enjoy myself once I’m out.

I’m going to bed soon and hopefully I’ll be able to sleep pretty quickly. You would think that, with eating one meal (that was purged) in the last four days, I would be tired. However, I find myself having a harder and harder time falling asleep. It’s highly frustrating. There are fewer things I dislike more than lying awake at night trying to sleep.

Wish me luck!