Numb

I binged (on liquids, at least) and purged again tonight. Now I’m numb. Too numb to care. And tired. Too tired to knit. I think I’ll lie in bed and watch Mash and give into the numbness.

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So I’ve been thinking…

After my post last night about issuing myself challenges, I lay in bed thinking for a very long time. Thinking about me, about my eating disorder, about my life right now, and about how something needs to change.

I can’t keep spending my days in a cycle of binging, purging, and laxatives. I’m getting NOTHING done, I’m exhausted, I have a migraine constantly, I’m perpetually dizzy, etc, etc, etc.

Also worrying me, I have started shaking a lot. Nearly constantly. And trying to do anything that requires fine motor skills (you know, important things like using my phone) is becoming harder and harder.

I have a doctor appointment next Monday morning, but I don’t know if there’s really anything my doctor can do for me while I’m so entangled in my behaviors. I was supposed to have an appointment on Friday morning with the county behavioral health guy, but I just found out (while writing this post) that my ride canceled. I guess I’ll be rescheduling.

I was going to to tell him on Friday how much I’m struggling and see if he has an ideas or resources for me. I just feel at the end of my rope. The news that I won’t be going on Friday doesn’t help any. I know I need to make a change, but I don’t know how. I want to stop taking the laxatives, but I can’t.

It’s 7:30pm and I haven’t eaten today. I started taking weight loss pills today. I can’t get myself to eat. It’s a refreshing change from binging and purging literally all day long. However, I know that it’s really not any better to go from that to eating absolutely nothing. But I just can’t eat.

I don’t even know why. Normally when I’m restricting, I have to fight myself not to binge and purge. Today, I have to fight myself just to drink water, let alone try to eat something. It’s just not happening.

I feel really numb and disconnected today. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not.

I’ve also noticed that I’ve been isolating a lot. I haven’t been going out with friends, and I also haven’t been texting or talking to them. I stopped answering my phone.

I did finally answer my phone today. I’m glad I did. I didn’t know how much I needed to connect with someone. However, despite that, I still disconnected. From both myself and others.

And dizzy. So dizzy.

I feel like I’m just rambling now. I had originally meant for this post to be about how I realized that I need to make a change but just don’t know how to do it. I really do feel lost. I am out of ideas, out of resources, and out of energy to fight anymore.

But for the first time in a while, I’m not giving up. I just don’t know where to go from here.