Weary

This first week back in treatment has been hard. I got hardly any schoolwork done, I ate meals and snacks every night with strangers, I’m overwhelmed with trying to follow my meal plan and not binge-and-purge and catch up on homework and deal with my emotions and everything that treatment entails.  Now I’m on my own for the weekend and I’ve already purged 2 meals today and so want to binge and purge tonight. I am weary. I am tired from the week and from treatment. I need time off. I can’t wait until the semester is over.

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If Only I Could Eat Like Lorelai and Stay as Thin

“Women don’t eat, they just stare at it and then jump on the treadmill.”
-Lorelai Gilmore

I’m going to try a new plan: when I feel like binging and purging, I’m going to hop on my stationary bike instead until, hopefully, the urge passes. I don’t know if my plan will work, but I need to try something.

Too Tired to keep this up

With the exception of while I was at my eye exam, I spent the whole day binging and purging, as has become my norm. My last purge was especially violent and I feel weak and shaky and too tired to keep binging and purging, even though I have a few more hours left in the day to pass. I don’t want to not binge and purge. When I’m not binging and purging, I start thinking about my ex and I start feeling and I can’t handle it and I start feeling suicidal. I just want to stay numb.

Agony

I’ve been binging and purging non-stop for the last 2 weeks. It seems to have caught up to me physically. My left side and stomach (anatomical stomach, not my abdomen) hurt so much! The pain is excruciating. I just finished purging and I am doubled over in pain.

Getting back on track, but terrified

All I do right now is binge and purge. I can’t even do my schoolwork because I’m too busy binging and purging. I can’t get myself to stop the cycle. So, it looks like I’ll be going back into the evening intensive outpatient program. Assuming, of course, my insurance will cover another round of EIOP this year. I have an appointment to get medical clearance next week and also an intake assessment. I’m going to do it, because I know I need the help right now. However, I’m scared to go back into the program. Scared of eating without purging, scared of putting in the work, scared of facing my feelings.

When I start justifying

I’ve noticed an unfortunate trend in myself the last several days. I’ve been thinking to myself, I have 3 more weeks of program, then I can stop following the meal plan. Or. I have 3 more weeks of program, then I can go back to restricting, but I won’t binge and purge anymore. And I’m perfectly ok with thinking these thoughts. I justify them. I tell myself how much better I’m doing now than I was 7 weeks ago and that this means it’s ok to “restrict a little” when I finish the program. After all, I mostly wanted to stop the constant binging and purging, and I’ve gone 2 whole weeks without doing that. I could probably go the rest of my lifetime, right? I will never again slip up, even if I stop following my meal plan, even if I go back to restricting, I’m sure I can keep those behaviors at bay now.

Also, the last couple of days, I have been contemplating halving my meal plan. If it says 3 proteins, I’ll eat 1 and a half. If it says 2 starches, I’ll eat 1. I haven’t done it, but I’m justifying in my head why it would be ok. And I have a feeling the longer I continue to justify it, the more likely I will be to actually do it, even while still in the program. Besides, it’s not like they care if I restrict. I’m fat, so it’s not a problem for me. This is the vibe I get from my therapist. Just like I can’t have a problem with exercise. She knows I workout at least twice a day, and she commended me for it. Thanks. She didn’t bother to ask what my motivation for working out is, whether it’s compulsive, whether it’s increased since I stopped purging, I can’t have problems with exercise or restriction because I don’t fit into a certain mold. Well, fine, my eating disorder loves that, and uses that to justify all sorts of things.

So yes, I am having a problem with justifying. I know it’s going to get me into trouble. The problem is, I sort of want that.

I did it!

My team gave me a lofty goal to go one week behavior-free. No restricting, no binging and purging. I haven’t done great in the no restricting department. However, I have achieved a personal goal: I went all weekend without binging and purging! That’s a first for me! Yes, it’s only 3 days, but that’s 3 days that I was binging and purging in before and now I’ve managed to NOT binge and purge for all three of those days! It might sound small, but it feels HUGE! It’s actually been a week and 2 days since I binged and purged last! Yes, I’m still struggling with restriction, but for a bulimic to go over a week without binging and purging, that’s a big deal!!

Now to just work on following my meal plan. I meet with the RD today. I am going to ask for a lesser meal plan, I think mine is too much food. I have no idea whether she’ll comply, but I’m going to ask either way. I have to meet with her because I’m still having to boost consistently at dinners and my therapist told me to meet with her to see if she can help. I don’t see how she can, but I’ll ask anyway.

Shame

I hate myself right now.

Bouncing Back

As I sit here, early in the morning, snow covering the world outside, sipping the coffee that is not part of my meal plan, I can’t help but think back to yesterday where everything seemed to go wrong.

The day started out fine. I started out following my meal plan. I started out studying for my test. I drew intestines for school (see below). Then, around 12:30pm, I went over to my sister’s for some sister time and to see my niece and nephew for their second birthday. Only, when I arrived, my sister wasn’t there. She had taken the kids to a late lunch. During the time we had scheduled to get together. So, for an hour and a half, I sat in her empty house, all by myself.

She got back right before I had to leave. I got to say hi to the kids and give them hugs, but then I had to go. No sister time, no play time. Just a passing hello. I was frustrated to say the least. So, to deal with my frustration, I went to Ihop and ordered an omelet and pancakes and ate it all, and then purged. Unfortunately, this started a pattern of binging and purging that lasted the rest of the day.

I did get my test taken, and I got a perfect score, so there was one bright spot in my day yesterday, but mostly I felt terrible and engaged in behaviors and I had to write all those behaviors down and my team is going to know about it and talk to me about it and I don’t want to.

So today, I feel rotten. I feel guilty and ashamed and like shit. I don’t want to follow my meal plan, but I’m going to try. Why? Because when you trip and fall, you don’t just lie there on the ground afterward going “I fell, I guess I’m stuck here.” No, you go, “that hurt, but I’m getting back up now,” and you do, you stand back up and you keep going. So today, I’m going to stand back up and I’m going to keep going. Even though the fall hurt and it’s hard to get back up. Even though I hate my meal plan. I will try to trust it. I will try to follow it.

 

Today I will:

Yesterday sucked. I binged and purged and didn’t follow my meal plan at all. I was left with a lot of guilt and shame and disgust.

• So, today, I will follow my meal plan 100%.
• Today I will NOT binge and purge.
• Today I will focus on recovery.
• Today I will take time for self-care.
• Today I will let go of the past two days of failure and look to my future.