So I’ve been thinking…

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After my post last night about issuing myself challenges, I lay in bed thinking for a very long time. Thinking about me, about my eating disorder, about my life right now, and about how something needs to change.

I can’t keep spending my days in a cycle of binging, purging, and laxatives. I’m getting NOTHING done, I’m exhausted, I have a migraine constantly, I’m perpetually dizzy, etc, etc, etc.

Also worrying me, I have started shaking a lot. Nearly constantly. And trying to do anything that requires fine motor skills (you know, important things like using my phone) is becoming harder and harder.

I have a doctor appointment next Monday morning, but I don’t know if there’s really anything my doctor can do for me while I’m so entangled in my behaviors. I was supposed to have an appointment on Friday morning with the county behavioral health guy, but I just found out (while writing this post) that my ride canceled. I guess I’ll be rescheduling.

I was going to to tell him on Friday how much I’m struggling and see if he has an ideas or resources for me. I just feel at the end of my rope. The news that I won’t be going on Friday doesn’t help any. I know I need to make a change, but I don’t know how. I want to stop taking the laxatives, but I can’t.

It’s 7:30pm and I haven’t eaten today. I started taking weight loss pills today. I can’t get myself to eat. It’s a refreshing change from binging and purging literally all day long. However, I know that it’s really not any better to go from that to eating absolutely nothing. But I just can’t eat.

I don’t even know why. Normally when I’m restricting, I have to fight myself not to binge and purge. Today, I have to fight myself just to drink water, let alone try to eat something. It’s just not happening.

I feel really numb and disconnected today. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not.

I’ve also noticed that I’ve been isolating a lot. I haven’t been going out with friends, and I also haven’t been texting or talking to them. I stopped answering my phone.

I did finally answer my phone today. I’m glad I did. I didn’t know how much I needed to connect with someone. However, despite that, I still disconnected. From both myself and others.

And dizzy. So dizzy.

I feel like I’m just rambling now. I had originally meant for this post to be about how I realized that I need to make a change but just don’t know how to do it. I really do feel lost. I am out of ideas, out of resources, and out of energy to fight anymore.

But for the first time in a while, I’m not giving up. I just don’t know where to go from here.

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13 responses »

  1. I am so proud of you for having a change of heart. I know solutions are really annoying to hear from people, but perhaps you could contact the directors/whoever would be appropriate of several clinics or hospitals or wherever you think you would like to go and just keep hammering them with calls, emails, and meetings until you get some answers, such as viable financing options, scholarship options, and other resources available for someone in your situation. Make them hear your story. Experience has proven that if you keep trying, they will eventually listen, and then they will act.

    At the very least it’ll be an activity you can put your mind to?

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  2. Glad you aren’t giving up! I haven’t shaken like how you are describing but I have blacked out while driving and right before that I was shaking uncontrollably and could barely so anything.. Maybe it’s your sugar levels and potassium.. Can you handle liquids? I hope you find a ride too! And I can’t seem not to take laxatives too.. Took 15 tonight and that’s after I took some earlier :/ I was/am in that cycle of eating and puking.. I hate it and I hate it for you. It sucks for sure! Must like you wanna stop but can’t!

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    • Ugh, I wish I knew how to help us!

      I’ve been able to get some water down now, but still no food today. I’m not sure how my sugars are doing, but I do think my potassium is low. My iron has also been low, so it might be a combination of things.

      Please try to take care and be gentle with yourself. I know that’s easier said than done. I’m rooting for you.

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      • I wish I did too!! I binge and purge, so I don’t really have no food that I don’t mind eating or drinking… Unless it is with people and I can’t throw up then I have certain things I don’t like lol… But I do drink organic juices. R.W. Knudsen and Honest Kids, yummy and all natural and I am sure it helps sugar levels

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          • Do you have orange juice? Maybe drink 1 cup of it. Or do you have a banana? Bananas are supposedly full of potassium. I like to blends up my bananas in organic juice lol

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              • Oh gotcha! I understand what ya mean! And not trying to annoy you with juice talk, but maybe get some tomorrow? Juice that you may feel comfortable with or even zero calorie gaderades. Just something to see if that helps the shaking. I don’t want you to blackout or anything. It’s very scary!

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  3. Since being on seroquel I find that I have no appetite or thirst. I consume because I think it is time I ate or drank.
    My mouth dries out because I simply forget to drink.
    I don’t wake up and want to break the fast. It’s midday now and I think it is time to go and get some breatfast.
    But it’s side effect I choose to live with in order to have a quitter mind. Not going back to racing, delusional and suicidal thoughts! Not going back to that shaking, tremulous mess.

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