The Strange Silence

I’m still not eating. I’ve accepted it at this point. I’ve embraced it.

It feels like a calm, cloudy day. One of those days when it’s abnormally silent. I’m not sure how to describe it. A sweet calm.

Unfortunately, I’m also struggling to consume water. Not only that, but to have the desire to drink water.

In other news, I didn’t go out today. The friend I was supposed to go out with this afternoon wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t actually have bus money to get to that support group. I need to pull out some cash.

I also slept until noon today. I think probably because I was awake most of the night running to the bathroom. Thank you, laxatives, and thank you, me, for taking so many yesterday during my little freak out.

My alarm went off this morning and I was so tired that I didn’t even stay awake long enough to reset it. When I did finally get up, I exercised, took laxatives (I know…), took my meds (yay!), took my diet pills (shhh…), then spent several hours in pain and nausea, still feeling the effects of yesterday’s laxative debacle.

I eventually found a position where, if I held really still, it almost didn’t hurt. I took it easy on the laxatives today.

Tomorrow I’m (in theory) hanging out with a different friend. I have zero idea what we’re doing. It’ll be nice to get out, but I’m also dreading it. I don’t know why it’s so hard to actually go out and do things when I know that I enjoy myself once I’m out.

I’m going to bed soon and hopefully I’ll be able to sleep pretty quickly. You would think that, with eating one meal (that was purged) in the last four days, I would be tired. However, I find myself having a harder and harder time falling asleep. It’s highly frustrating. There are fewer things I dislike more than lying awake at night trying to sleep.

Wish me luck!

Breaking the fast

So I ate! Ugh…

I ate 9 pieces of candy (Reese’s Pieces) and now I feel so sick. Pure sugar was NOT the best idea to eat after not eating for a few days. I feel like I might be sick. -____-

 

I can’t even think of a title…

I still haven’t been able to eat anything.

I am getting some water down, and I remembered to take my meds today, which is good.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night, so I got up at 6am after trying for hours to sleep. I had been wanting to cut, this seems to come up more when I’m sleep deprived, so I grabbed a coloring book and my colored pencils and colored for a bit while I listened to The Wonder Years on Netflix.

After everyone else woke up, I went and used my bike until I thought I couldn’t pedal anymore, and then made myself keep going. Afterward I took a shower. It’s a good thing there’s a bench in my shower, or I wouldn’t have made it, my legs were like liquid.

I have taken both weight loss pills and laxatives today, but I’m feeling pretty good.

On a positive note, I told a friend about my ride situation and she offered to take me to my behavioral health appointment in the morning. I’m very relieved. I know that I need to go tomorrow, and if I had to reschedule, I’m not sure I’d work up the strength to go.

In other news, my x-rays are scheduled for next Thursday to see whether or not I have rheumatoid arthritis. I’m looking forward to that just so I can find out one way or the other.

I need to study today. I’m scared of failing my classes. I just can’t seem to get myself to actually do it. I also want to exercise again before I go to bed. Hopefully I can actually sleep tonight.

I feel like there’s more I want to write, more I want to express, but I can’t seem to actually form it into anything.

Accomplishment!

It’s assembled!

I didn’t do it. I convinced my daddy to.

I still haven’t eaten today. I did get some water down. I then used my bike until my legs turned to jello (didn’t take nearly as long as I’d hoped), took some laxatives, and collapsed in bed.

That’s where I am now. I shall spend the rest of the night watching Netflix, probably The Wonder Years, until I get sleepy.

Have a good night!