It’s day 4 of my water (and diet root beer) fast. I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon. He’s concerned about my not eating and wants me to see the nutritionist. I don’t want to see her. Partly because it’s expensive to do so. She’s not covered by insurance. Second, because she’s just going to tell me to eat and that’s going to be an expensive, pointless appointment since I have no plans to start eating again right now. He wanted to see me again after I see her, but I didn’t set up an appointment with her, and he didn’t have any appointments I could make before I fly out to California again in a couple weeks.
When I came out of my appointment, my tire was flat. Luckily, I have roadside assistance because while I know the mechanics of changing a tire, I’ve never actually done it, and it was sweltering hot. So, I waited for them to show up and change my tire, which he did very quickly. Meanwhile, I missed my appointment with my DBT therapist. I didn’t mind, though, because I wasn’t enthused about telling two people in the same day about my fast.
I spent my weekend with my brothers. For the most part, it was great. We play games, we drank vodka, we caroused, we enjoyed each other’s company. The was only one down side.
As you may know, I was on a restrictive diet when I left for the weekend. While drunk, I ended up eating. I woke up the next morning, remembered eating a sandwich, and was suddenly filled with dark suicidal thoughts. You don’t know regret until your regret comes with the knowledge that you need and deserve to be dead because of the mistake you made.
Luckily the suicidal thoughts only lasted an hour or so, but it was a rough morning.
So, tomorrow, I am starting the diet over and it will be a fasting day.
Last night I bought some spiced apple cider last night. Today is day 4, so I am having 300 calories today. Theoretically.
The cider is 130 calories for a cup. I can have 2 cups for 260 calories, or I can have one cup for 130 calories and a 170 calorie salad. I’m not sure yet which I’ll do.
It’s Day 3, so 250 calories. Today for lunch, I’m going to eat a salad. The salad dressing and cheese will bring me right up to 250 calories.
This morning in therapy we did a chain analysis on my restricting. I started crying when we figured out that that I’m restricting because, since I can’t purge right now, the calories scare me and I just can’t handle them right now. I think I cried because of how much calories are scaring me right now. I just can’t do them. It’s too overwhelming. My therapist recognized that and didn’t make me commit to eating more. She did give me skills to use if I felt like I could handle trying to eat. We’ll see. Right now I just can’t.
Day 2, 200 calories. I found a Luna Bar in my purse that my sister gave me yesterday. It’s 190 calories. That’s my food for today. I’m going to eat half for lunch, half for dinner.
This is my 600th post!! Crazy!
This comic has nothing to do with this post.
I planned to fast today. I did, until dinner. Then, my parents insisted on buying me dinner and watching me eat it. I couldn’t think of a good excuse not to, since I’m “recovered”. So I ate it, then purged.
I had planned not to purge during the 3 weeks until I go back to see my surgeon about how my nose is healing, but that obviously didn’t happen. So not only did I eat today, I purged. But I couldn’t eat on a fasting day and NOT purge.
All I can think of is how I’ve doubly failed. I am twice the failure.
I’m starting this today, so I’m fasting today.
I don’t know what “MONO” means so I’ll just make something up that day.
I like having different targets each day, it makes life more interesting. And doing something like this should help keep me accountable and hopefully reduce the binging and purging. At least, it always has in the past. I don’t expect to “fix” anything “fast,” it’s just for my peace of mind.
Today is Sunday, which seems like a good day to start something new. And today, the something new that I’m starting is an all-liquid diet. Now, it’s sort of a modified all-liquid diet as the smoothies didn’t start as all liquid ingredients, but they end up that way! And it’s just the frozen fruit that was solid anyway. SO, starting today, it’s shakes and smoothies and that’s it. Nothing else is allowed. And definitely no starches!
I have rituals I have to follow when it comes to weighing myself, which I do every morning.
I used to weigh myself all day long, back when I was anorexic. But now that I binge, it just depresses me because my weight shoots up mid-day and I just end up hating myself even more and it’s not good.
So, every morning, I get up and the first thing I do is use the bathroom. I make sure my hands are exceptionally dry after I wash them so I don’t have any extra weight from the water. I make sure to wear the same thing each morning. I used to weigh naked, but I can’t do that right now.** I ensure the scale is in the same spot and stable, all four legs touching the floor. I make sure nothing is in my hair, I’m not wearing any jewelry, there’s nothing that could possibly be showing up as excess weight. Then, I tap my scale to turn it on. With my scale, I don’t have to do that, but it makes me feel better to see 0.0 before stepping on, knowing it’s tared correctly. Then, I stand as still as possible for a 10 count so it can get the most accurate reading possible, then I look down. I then record the weight in an app on my phone. Rinse and repeat tomorrow.
Right now, thought I’m ecstatic with the numbers it’s giving me, I’m beginning to suspect my scale is lying to me. Today it says I’m a pound and a half down from yesterday. That’s a big jump in one day and, while I really want to believe it, it’s hard to believe my body dropped that much weight overnight.
**My apartment has the weirdest layout and to get to the bathroom, my roommates have to go through my bedroom, so I don’t ever get naked in my bedroom, and the bathroom floor is too uneven for the scale to work correctly.