Because Apparently I Don’t Learn

Back in August of last year, I bought a fitbit, but you didn’t hear much about it because I wasn’t able to keep it very long. Why? Before long I became obsessed with it. Obsessed with how many steps I was taking, how many hours I was active, how many calories I was burning. I obsessively tracked my food and water and sleep in my fitbit app daily. And at a time when I was already struggling, having just come out of treatment a month prior, I could see that it was having an unhealthy effect on me. So, I gave it to my sister, who I knew could handle it, who wouldn’t obsess, who would use it responsibly.

Well, Monday, I bought another one. Why? I’m not sure. I just really like numbers and stats and knowing things, I guess. I’ve been walking every day and I wanted to see how many steps I was taking. I wanted to see my heart rate when I exercise. I just wanted to know the stats. However, I’ve started inputting my food into the app again and of course it tells me how many calories I’m eating and that’s triggering. And the obvious answer is to just not enter my food into the app, but then there’s a line on my app that’s not filled in and it feels incomplete. Maybe I have a problem.

I don’t feel like I’m obsessed with the fitbit this time, but I worry that I might become so, just because I have addictive/obsessive tendencies. Today I set a high step goal to beat yesterday’s goal, but when I went for my walk, my ankle was hurting, so I only walked about a mile instead of the 5 I had planned. I’m trying to listen to my body and what it needs and how it’s feeling instead of just pushing myself, so that’s good, right? I think so. I think I can use my fitbit in a healthy, non-obsessive way this time. Here’s hoping.

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Life after Treatment

In treatment, you (hopefully) come out of your eating disorder enough that you’re able to see a different way of living. A better way of living. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always mean that you’re able to pull yourself out of the eating disorder. The quote above is from an anime I’m watching (Psycho-Pass, if you’re interested) and it struck me that this is how it is for me post-treatment. I have this obsession, and my mind tells me there’s a wiser, a better way to live, but I can’t seem to turn my back on this obsession.

Ever new ways to obsess

I bought a Fitbit Charge HR. It tracks my steps, calories in/burned, my heart rate (I have a mild obsession with knowing my heart rate at any given moment), water intake, sleep, pretty much anything fitness related.

I love it. I obsessively sync it. I constantly check its stats. I adore that it told me how many steps I took in the grocery store and how many calories I burned doing so.

This may not be a healthy toy for me, but it’s a fabulous one. Excuse me while I go for a jog.

Not obsessed

I’m on my bike for the third time today. I’m in my fifth hour of exercise, and it won’t be my last. If I break up my work outs into several increments, it means I’m not obsessed, right?

…Right? 

Early Morning Meh

Today was bad. I’ll take to post details tomorrow. Right now, it’s 2:00am and I’m on my bike. I might be here all night.

Knee pain and muscle weakness

Each day I have been increasing the duration of my workouts. I’m trying to work up to a specific goal (that I don’t want to share at the moment) so I add between 5 and 10 minutes each day.

Yesterday, I was responsible and took a rest day. It was HARD. However, I understand how bodies work, and I could tell my body needed the rest, so I forced myself to rest.

Today, when I went to do my workout, I was hopeful. I took a rest day, today’s going to be great! I’ll be rested, I’ll be able to workout longer, faster, better!

HAHAHAHA!

No.

Thirty-six seconds into my workout, my legs were screaming and complaining about how tired they were and how they didn’t want to do this.

36 seconds…

I have a feeling it had more to do with a lack of fuel (food) than being tired from exertion. So, I pushed through, and did increase my time. Unfortunately, whenever I exercise, my left knee and foot hurt. It’s very frustrating. After a while, though, I stop noticing.

On a random note, I did my workout today in a full length dress. Because I’m awesome like that. It did have a racerback cut, though, so that makes it sportswear, right? (The below picture is not me.)

Assuming I’m not in treatment (I doubt I’ll start before next Monday) I’m going to my brothers’ place this weekend. I enjoy being there with them, but I’m not looking forward to not being able to use my equipment for 3 days. Hopefully their pool will be open and I can go swimming.

 

Accomplishment!

It’s assembled!

I didn’t do it. I convinced my daddy to.

I still haven’t eaten today. I did get some water down. I then used my bike until my legs turned to jello (didn’t take nearly as long as I’d hoped), took some laxatives, and collapsed in bed.

That’s where I am now. I shall spend the rest of the night watching Netflix, probably The Wonder Years, until I get sleepy.

Have a good night!

Well, it’s in my room at least

It’s not set up, but I cleaned and organized and now there’s room for it! (Not the little space between the fan and the dirty clothes hamper, I just put stuff along that wall so it’s out of the way for now.)

Making progress!

I probably won’t be able to set it up tomorrow because I have counseling and then a family picnic, so here’s hoping for Tuesday.

It’s slow progress, but progress it is.