Tag Archives: fasting

My plan to “be better”

Standard

bebetter

When I saw this image the other day, it really spoke to me. I have always felt there is something inherently wrong with me and a need to “be better” than I am. When I saw this image, I knew I needed to do something to make myself better. I just didn’t have a plan. Now, I do.

My brothers recommended an anime called Knights of Sidonia. I was watching it today when a character asked, “Isn’t it time for our weekly meal?” That’s when it clicked! You see, the people in this anime have learned to photosynthesize and only require food once a week.

After hearing this simple question, I realized I should only be eating once a week. This morning, while alone, I completely pigged out on food. I can’t keep doing that. So, from now on, I’m only eating on Sundays. Sunday seems like an appropriate day to eat. I don’t know why, but it feels safe.

I have also decided working out daily is NOT optional anymore. I don’t care how bad I’m feeling or how bad the fibromyalgia pain, it’s no longer optional.

So these are my two new rules for a better me.

Advertisement

Vacation Weight

Standard

I’m going on vacation in just over a week. To California.

I’m freaking out internally. We’re going to the beach. I love to swim, but I don’t normally just hang out in a swimsuit. I’m terrified and nervous and kind of sick to my stomach.

On the flip side, though, I’m looking forward to the “vacation weight”. Many people complain of gaining weight over vacation. I always lose on vacation.

While on vacation, I tend to eat every meal with others, which means there’s always someone there to see me eat, which means I hardly eat. And since I tend to be around people A LOT while on vacation, I’m much less likely to binge and purge. After a week of near-fasting, I always come home lighter.

I’m looking forward to that.

An exercise in will?

Standard

I leave for California in 2 weeks. All I can think of is how massive and disgusting I am.

He wants to go to the beach and I just want to hide inside.

I keep toying with the idea of not eating between now and when I leave.

Oh, to be tragic

Standard

 

I love the flavor text on this card. (The last sentence, that’s in italics.) 

Someone I was in residential with four years ago is in the hospital right now with a feeding tube. 

I know it’s stupid and petty and wrong, but I am jealous. 

I miss my anorexic days. I miss fasting and  restricting and not binging and purging. I keep telling myself I’m going to stop eating altogether, this is one of my greatest wishes, but I can’t seem to follow through. 

I love the idea of never again placing food in my mouth. The idea of total abstinence from food. It calls to me. I find it alluring. And yet, I cannot attain. 

I hate myself for my own weakness. 

I loathe myself for my inability to refuse. 

I revile the food I find within me. 

Yet I eat. 

And eat. 

Eat. 

Purge. 

Laxatives. 

Exercise. 

Caffeine. 

Eat. 

Pass out from exhaustion. 

It is never enough. 

I am never enough. 

I will never be enough unless I can cease to consume. 

I will find the answer. I swear it to myself. It may take months or years, but I will do it. I will discover the secret to existing without food. I will find the strength to abstain. 

I will conquer my body’s misguided need for sustenance. 

The Worst Walk

Standard

Yesterday I went to the library! I’d never been to this library before. I didn’t even know it existed until late Friday night. They’re only open until 5pm on Saturdays and I normally get up between 1-3pm, so that doesn’t leave a lot of time to walk to the library and back, so I set my alarm for an “early” noon.

Yesterday afternoon, I got up, dawdled a little on my 3DS and phone, took a shower, and left.

I had already planned on yesterday being a fasting day before I knew about the library, and I didn’t alter that plan when I decided to go to the library. I also didn’t have any water before I left, and ended up walking during the hottest part of the day. Yeah, I’m brilliant.

The walk there didn’t actually phase me. I had planned to look around, maybe sit and read for a little bit, and then walk home. However, come to find out, this library was tiny. On top of that, it was FULL. With no place to sit down and feeling sort of out of place, I grabbed 2 books randomly from their very small fantasy collection, and the only Star Wars novel I could find.

I checked out, grabbed a drink from the water fountain, and left.

I only made it about a third of the way home (the walk is about an hour) before I was having difficulty breathing and was feeling like I was going to pass out. I found a shaded hill and sat down for a couple minutes.

For the rest of the walk, I felt extremely weak and dizzy, constantly on the brink of passing out. However, I don’t have phone service anymore, so I couldn’t even call anyone. I had to sit down again when I was about 15 minutes from home. I almost fell into the street just trying to sit.

Getting up that second time, I got tangled in my ankle-length dress trying to stand. As soon as I was upright, I had to lean against that wall next to the sidewalk so as not to fall. That last leg was brutal. I am sure I looked drunk, I was swaying and just struggling to stay upright.

Finally, I reached my street. Just one more hill (luckily down hill) and I was home.

As I crossed the street to my block, a police office pulled up to the intersection. I was seriously tempted to ask him to drive me the half block to my house.

Once inside, I kicked off my shoes and collapsed on my dad’s bed (it’s closer than mine, and underneath the air conditioning unit) and lay there for about 20 minutes until I could see properly again.

On the plus side, my legs were fine. Despite the fact that I haven’t taken a 2 hour walk in quite some time, all my biking has paid off. However, my body really does not appreciate the not eating, not drinking water, etc.

Too bad. It’d better get used to it. I’m determined to go back to restricting. I’m sick and tired of bulimia.

I don’t have a problem

Standard

Screenshot_2014-08-02-21-17-25-1

This might be getting a little bit excessive. 

More Internal Conversations

Standard

“I don’t need food.” (In response to noticing it’s 5:40pm and I realizing I haven’t eaten today.)

“I wonder what I could eat.”

Wait, what? You just said you didn’t need food, and your very next thought is about what you can eat? Brain, you make no sense.

“I haven’t eaten for 8 days”

Standard

I’m so jealous.

Worst. Buffet. Ever.

Standard

Yesterday morning, I went to get my x-rays. The x-ray technician was pleasant and funny, so that was nice.

Afterward, I came home and took a nap. Then, my dad and I went to Pizza Hut for their lunch buffet. My dad really likes their buffet. I tried a couple bites of a few things, but I wasn’t impressed. I ate a salad. I do like salad. Then I came home and purged, took laxatives and diet pills, and exercised. Then I took another nap.

In the afternoon, I went to the laundromat and washed clothes. I passed out at one point and hit something, shaving the skin off the knuckle of my right hand.

When I got home from laundry, I was really sick and weak, so I lay down again and slept for a few hours. I had planned to sleep for the night because I was just over the day and not feeling well. However, around 9pm, my mom called me saying she bought me dinner.

I was not a happy bunny. I hate being surprised with food. I feel guilty if I don’t eat it and I feel guilty if I do.

So, I ate it. It made me REALLY sick and I couldn’t finish it. I purged it, naturally.

After my new normal routine of purging, laxatives, diet pills, and working out, I watched So You Think You Can Dance, then went to bed for the night. Thankfully, I slept really well.

Today has been pretty low key. I ate and purged some cereal (apparently my restricting is over) and took my pills. Soon I’ll be going over to my brothers’ for the weekend, and I’m meeting a friend in the morning for breakfast.

Worry

Standard

I don’t know what to do if my insurance again refuses to cover treatment. Maybe I will just never eat again. I don’t want to go back to binging and purging. After almost a week without it, and basically without food, the thought of going back sounds exhausting