Today I discovered my new favorite shake. Better than the peanut butter vanilla, even! What is this magical concoction, you ask? Chocolate with iced coffee. It was amazing. Who needs Starbucks? And this is a healthy, nutrient-dense meal?? Yes, please!! It’s decided, I’m sticking with the shakes after this week is over. I do, however, still have a few more flavors to try. Vegan strawberry, for instance.
I hope my new shakes get here before these ones run out.
Now, don’t worry, I don’t have vodka or valium. I do, however, have caffeine pills and laxatives.
My laxatives came in yesterday and have been such a huge relief, both physically and mentally. I no longer feel like I’m carrying a 20-pound baby in my intestines. My caffeine pills came this afternoon. They’re 200 mg each.
For some perspective, a Rockstar, my favorite energy drink, has 160mg, Red Bull has 80mg. Starbucks coffees range anywhere from 90-225 per. (This is based on the Grande size–I don’t know which size that is.)
After I took one, I didn’t feel anything at all for about an hour. I considered taking another one, but I just started taking laxatives again yesterday and thought it best not to through a bunch of drugs into my body all at once.
After that hour, I got up to do some housework, and THEN I felt it. Apparently caffeine and alcohol both work the same for me: I don’t really feel it until I get up and move around a little. Then I really feel it.
Dizziness, shortness of breath, very aware of my heart rate. That’s how I felt for a while. It’s settled down now, I’m just very awake, which is good.
I got the caffeine pills for two reasons. First, I was hoping the caffeine would suppress my desire to binge and purge, as it sometimes does. Second, I’m having a really bad fibro flare up and part of that is extreme fatigue. I haven’t been able to do much recently, and I need to be able to do things like study and get out of the house. I’m hoping the caffeine pills will help.
I considered getting a cheap coffee maker, but with the coffee maker and then the coffee, it would be rather expensive. The pills are like $.09 a pill. Significantly more affordable.
I may try using the pills to stay up all tonight and tomorrow because I am on a completely nocturnal schedule right now and I want to get that fixed. We’ll see how I’m feeling in the morning.
Apparently, when I take diet pills that have the caffeine equivalent of 6 cups of coffee, I can’t sleep.
I didn’t get ANY sleep last night.
My brother made a pot of coffee before leaving for work…and didn’t drink any of it. I’m trying not to drink the whole pot.
I was threatened with hospitalization today.
I was also told that my insurance doesn’t want to approve any more time because they’re not seeing enough improvement, so clearly the treatment isn’t working.
Also, one night a week is family night where people’s friends and/or family come in to learn more about eating disorders and how to be more effective support. I haven’t had anyone go yet because everyone either works or has school that night, or just refuses to go. My insurance sees this as I’m not reaching out for support so I don’t want to recover. So, if no one comes this week, they’re cutting me off.
They also want me to get labs.
I just want to throw things at them.
On another note, I did agree in counseling today to bring in my self-harm items tomorrow and leave them there. I think I’m also going to take my scale because it seems to be broken and is just causing me way more anxiety and frustration than it normally does.
We went to Old Chicago for dinner tonight. I hated it. I want to explain why, but I’m mentally exhausted and not sure I can.
Tomorrow, I’m getting coffee with one of the other ladies in treatment. I’m nervous, but also looking forward to it.
Now to not engage in any behaviors for the next week.
a2eternity 