Update: I’m home!

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So, Wednesday morning I went to the ER feeling suicidal. Wednesday was terrible and long. Their response was to put a guard by my room and then ignore me for 12 hours.

Leaving a suicidal person alone for 12 hours with absolutely nothing to do is not helpful.

I got really anxious and almost tried walking out several times.

Around 7pm, they brought me dinner. I ate a small portion of it, then went to the bathroom and purged.

Still feeling very anxious, I broke the plastic fork and started cutting.

At 7:45pm, my nurse (who I hadn’t seen all day) came and saw that I had cut and took everything out of the room.

Four hours before that, I had taken my IV out because it was hurting me and I couldn’t get anyone to come and check it.

I stayed in the ER until nearly midnight, then I was transferred to a hospital with a psych ward. Oh, excuse me, I meant Behavioral Health Wing.

When I arrived, they checked all my belongings in and gave me scrubs to wear. They did a skin check, which meant standing naked in front of two nurses while they checked for injuries, rashes, etc.

After paperwork and vitals, I was shown my room. I tossed and turned for a couple hours until the night nurse offered me some ambien.

Yesterday, I woke up with a migraine. I saw the doctor, psychiatrist, occupational therapist, nutritionist, etc, etc. Between these meetings, I slept and tried to rid myself of the migraine.

The program has seven groups throughout the day, 3 meals, and 2 snacks. I didn’t participate in any of those. I tried one group yesterday afternoon, but it was stupid and triggering.

I didn’t eat at all while I was there, and it didn’t seem to be a big deal. I was offered Ensure several times, but it wasn’t forced.

The staff also seemed like they had no idea how to handle someone with an eating disorder. For example, the medication nurse said to me, after asking whether I’d eaten yet, “I wishI didn’t want to eat. I sometimes throw away food so I don’t eat it. Like ice cream and brownies and stuff. And I run 5 miles a day.”

That’s nice, lady. Please just give me my meds and stop talking.

The woman who ran the one group I tried kept talking about weight loss and how she needed/wanted to lose weight.

All the staff were like that.

I didn’t really interact with any of the other patients. I spent most of my time avoiding meals and avoiding the staff and patients. There was one lady with short, red hair. The color was gorgeous. One guy was anorexic, and he was beautiful.

One patient had bipolar, but I have no idea what most of them were there for.

Not much exiting happened while I was there, but I did determine I am too fat to recover (thank you, staff, for that) and that next time I’m suicidal, I’m not telling anyone because I am NOT doing that again.

I did get diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder by the psychiatrist. I’m still not sure how I feel about that.

Well, I think that’s all.

I have an appointment with a county behavioral health specialist on Monday. We’ll see how that goes. At the moment, I’m just not planning to continue recovery for my bulimia.

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12 responses »

  1. I have been diagnosed with that. It is a popular diagnosis with doctors of a certain age. Consider it trendy. Sorry you were in a place that did not help, it´s frustrating to do the right thing and then feel there is no good result from it. Hugs.

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    • Youre so right – it is trendy at the moment. Its a great diagnisis for doctors because its their “miscellaneous” diagnosis – anything that is too hard or slightly atypical gets slapped with BPD. We fought my wife’s diagnosis and eventually got it turned into complex PTSD. Thing with BPD is it doesnt indicate any particular treatment so it isnt very helpful. Sorry this are so tough for you at the moment.

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  2. I’m so glad you’re home, have been thinking about and hoping for your return!! I’m sorry about every part of your hospital stay because I can completely relate and maaaan does it discourage being honest!! I’m glad you’re back, and I’m just sending a lotta love

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  3. Yes, all I can offer is love as well. I really wish the hospital experience had been better and that you’d been able to stay longer. I’ll be thinking of you on Monday, and hoping your appointment with the behavioral health specialist goes well.
    xo, mary

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  4. Youre so right – it is trendy at the moment. Its a great diagnisis for doctors because its their “miscellaneous” diagnosis – anything that is too hard or slightly atypical gets slapped with BPD. We fought my wife’s diagnosis and eventually got it turned into complex PTSD. Thing with BPD is it doesnt indicate any particular treatment so it isnt very helpful. Sorry this are so tough for you at the moment.

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  5. seek the positive and you will xx I feel your pain, but have a positive plan. out of all things good with eventually grow!! contrite i know but it will.

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  6. This sounds very difficult, I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. I agree with some of the other commenters that BPD is not the most useful diagnosis. However, if one does consider oneself to have BPD traits or the disorder itself, it can be recovered from fully with enough support, as I describe on my blog.

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