Hospitalization: Part 8

Journal entry from my fourth day on the psychiatric wing.
**Self-harm trigger warning**

Today was hard. My depression was high, my self-harm urges were high, my suicidal ideation was high, and my anxiety was high.

Having so many strangers (visitors) all over the place had me on edge, and not having a private place to go had me frantic. I wanted to cut., I wanted to hit walls and cause bruises, I wanted to bang my head against a wall, I wanted to stab myself, I wanted to cut my throat, I wanted to take the knife from dinner and use it to cut.

I was given Ativan. It helped mildly. It took the very edge off, and that’s all. Not what I was hoping from an anxiety medication.

I want to cut. So badly. I’m going to try to sleep instead.

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Hospitalization: Part 7

A journal entry from my third night on the psychiatric wing.

Saturday is long and pretty boring. I was really down most of the day and was close to tears a lot. During my meeting with my counselor he talked about how I’m brave for being here. I found it hard to agree.

We talking about my bulimia and my history of sexual abuse and rape and he thinks I need to see a trauma specialist. He agreed with me that all the counselors have it backward — you can’t take away all my coping mechanisms and then get into the trauma. That’s when I freak out and get overwhelmed and attempt suicide and shut down.

I feel like things are finally starting to click here. I feel like these are the highest quality counselors I’ve ever worked with. And as strange as it seemed at first, I like having a new counselor every day. Each one provides fresh perspective.

Tonight’s also wants me to start overeaters anonymous for my bulimia. I didn’t know you could go to that for bulimia. I might give it a try.

Hospitalization: Part 6

And entry from 3/7/15.

The thing that strikes me the most if how normal the patients are. Oh, you have the woman who walks around with a blank stare on her face and won’t talk to anyone except her visitor, and sometimes staff. She’ll stand outside group and stare into the room through the door window or come stand by your table, but she never enters and never sits.

And there’s the occasional outburst that was uncalled for or too intense for the situation, or the one who starting crying for seemingly no reason. However, there is usually a reason for these. Something about the situation has triggered an unusual response.

On the whole, though, the people of Three West are so normal. They are the people you see everyday. They are your coworkers, your cashier, your deli worker, your banker, your boss, your child’s teacher that you love. They’re the people you go out for beers with, invite over for the game, the parents in your Mommy & Me group, your best friend, your dad, your daughter, your son.

They enjoy each other’s company. They play cards together. They play board games. They swear when they make a game-losing mistake. They enjoy a good meal, talking over a cup of tea, going for walks.

If you look at the patents of Three West, if you observe them, they are, simply, human. And they are quite normal.

Hospitalization: Part 5

From the afternoon of my second day on the wing.

During the 2nd group, the facilitator kept using an example of being overweight and needing to lose weight, how if you’re overweight you aren’t exercising and you eat an unhealthy diet, how you lack self-discipline. It was so wrong and triggering, and since I was the only overweight person in the room, it felt like a direct assault.

Just over halfway through, my growing anxiety over his topic triggered a sudden-onset migraine. It was a good excuse to leave the group. I went and got meds from my nurse and lay down. I stayed in bed until lunch, ate a slow lunch, feeling bogged down by both the migraine and the meds, then headed back to my room to purde. While in the bathroom, my roomie came back and needed to use the bathroom, so I exited. She stayed in the room afterward, and I felt awkward going back into the bathroom again to purge, so I didn’t.

My potassium and iron are low, despite taking supplements daily for both. I had to take an extra “booster” dose of potassium and it’s so gross.

I rested again for a bit after lunch, then played King’s Corner with a couple other ladies with a cobbled together deck of cards. After that, we had art for about an hour. Now I’m just trying to stay awake while I wait for my dad to visit.

Hospitalization: Part 4

From my second morning on the Psychiatric Wing.

Yesterday, my counselor told me that pain is part of being human. She told me, “You can’t grieve your sister without feeling the pain and hurt and anger of losing her. And you can’t heal from the rapes and abuse unless you let yourself feel.” I know she is right, but the idea scares me tremendously.

It’s Saturday morning, 5:40. I’m waiting for 6 o’clock so I can take a shower. There are 2 showers on the wing and they don’t only let you use them between 6am and 10:30pm.

I’m tired physically, and keep yawning, but every time I lie down, I feel wide awake. Around 4:00, I got up to check the time (no clocks in the rooms) and another patient was up too. She asked if I wanted to play chess or checkers, neither of which I care for. We settled on Uno. We played several games, and both went back to bed around 5:00. I tried for 35 minutes to sleep, but was restless and just tossed and turned. It sounded like I might be keeping my roommate awake, so I grabbed my pen and paper and now I’m in the common area.

Earlier I was getting water from the kitchen when I saw a personal sized box of cereal. I so wanted to eat it. Eat it and purge it. And even though there were no other patients around to see me eat outside of mealtime, I knew there are cameras everywhere and a staff member would see me and judge me.

Ten minutes until I can shower…

Hospitalization: Part 2

From my first morning on the Psychiatric Wing.

I hate social situations that involve a lot of strangers. This was no different. Most of the other patients were nice, friendly, and reached out to me, but my anxiety was high and I wanted to flee.

I arrived during dinner, which was bad in itself. I hate eating around others. However, I decided not to draw any more attention to myself than necessary by refusing to eat. After dinner, I promptly purged. I was so happy to have the room, and therefore the bathroom, all to myself. I then had my first shower in a few days, which made me feel worlds better. Then, off to my first group.

During my last hospitalization, I didn’t eat and I didn’t attend any groups, and that obviously wasn’t helpful. This time, I decided to attend as many groups as possible and try to get the most out of it I could. My first group had me questioning this decision as it comprised breaking up into 2 groups and playing balloon volleyball. I still don’t know the purpose of this group.

I chose not to actually participate in the game. It had been a long 2 days, I was tired and grumpy and just wanted to go to bed. I’m sure I looked terrified whenever the balloon came my way because I did not want to have to hit it. Luckily, “my” team was good and won without my help. After group, I took an Ambien and went to bed.

I woke up several times cold but was too tired and too achy to get up for another blanket. This morning, I woke up with a lot of self-loathing, wanting to die, wanting to stab myself, wishing I could destroy myself. This feeling persisted throughout the day.

At breakfast, I was tempted to take the knife with me and cut. Purging helped soothe me a bit. There are a couple ladies here I’m 99% sure are anorexic. I want to say “I’m eating, but I’m also purging everything!” I feel the need to justify eating. I am, by far, the fattest person here.

Yay, I’m not in the hospital!

I wasn’t sent to the hospital. I’m really excited about that.

However, I feel like shit. I’m dizzy, weak, probably dehydrated, nauseous, etc, etc. I just want to lie in bed all day.

Unfortunately, the building owner is coming in the morning to inspect all the units, so I need to clean. >_<

You were probably right

When I got up this morning, those six pounds were gone. Plus two more. I feel more relieved than I can express.

I also…*drum roll*…slept last night! I even slept pretty well. I feel the most refreshed I’ve felt in quite a while.

I also remembered to call my doctor this morning, so I have an appointment set up on Thursday, so the mental health guy can’t yell at me for that.

I have about an hour now before I have to leave to see him. I’m worried he’s going to insist on sending me to the hospital this time, and I’m not sure if I can (or should) talk my way out of it again. So, to prepare, I’m making a bag of stuff to keep me occupied at the ER and hospital like a couple books, some coloring books and colored pencils, my Bible, a journal, and some paper to finally write those letters I keep promising.

I’m hoping I won’t need it, but I’d rather be prepared.

Backpedaling

I noticed a trend in myself this morning. I backpedal a lot. But only in situations where it’s important, and mostly when others are trying to help me.

I remember, when I did residential in 2010, I was there for almost 8 months. About halfway through, I was really struggling. I was having a lot of hallucinations and I was very suicidal. I wrote a note about it and put it in the program director’s mailbox. (That’s about as direct as a I get.)

I was summoned to her office to talk about the note. When confronted, I backpedaled. No, I wasn’t reallyworried about hurting myself. I that suicidal. (I’m not sure how suicidal you have to be to be considered a risk?) I wasn’t really having hallucinations. Blah, blah, blah.

Because I couldn’t be upfront and honest, I ended up not getting the specialized help that I needed, and my stay there was probably longer than it would have been otherwise.

I noticed this morning that I do this a lot. I put some information out there, wait for the professionals to react, then retract my statements. I don’t know why I do this. I did it this morning.

In my session this morning, I mentioned in passing how much I was struggling, and the finger indecent. He was, naturally (and rightly) concerned. He wanted to call an ambulance and have me admitted in the hospital to keep me safe. He was very worried about my safety.

So, I did the only logical thing, which was to downplay the whole event and to minimize the extent to which I was struggling. I’m, apparently, really good at this. I’m great at assuring mental and medical health professionals that I’m not really a danger to myself and that I’m not really struggling. And I convinced him. Well, at least enough that he didn’t call the ambulance.

He did schedule another meeting for Monday, but I wasn’t admitted to the hospital today.

The thing is, I do this with myself. I have thought every day this week, at some point, “if I’m feeling this way tomorrow, I’ll go to the hospital.” But when the next day comes, I talk myself out of it. I convince myself that I’m really not doing that badly and that I don’t really need to go.

Again, I don’t know why I do this. Maybe I should tell him on Monday…

Fever and hospital threats

I set my alarm for 8:00am today. I needed to leave by 8:30 to make it to my appointment at the mental health center. I had so much trouble waking up this morning, and with hitting my snooze button, I finally crawled out of bed at 8:26am. I threw on a dress, pulled my hair back, and ran (walked slowly) out to the car.

I was a little late to the appointment, but not excessively. The appointment was painfully long. (It really just felt long, it wasn’t longer than normal.) I did end up telling him about how not-well I’ve been doing. He suggested/threatened calling an ambulance right then. I was able to talk my way out of that. I’m not sure if that was the wisest choice, but I’ll talk about that in another post.

When I got home, I was absolutely wiped an very dizzy. I thought to check my temperature and it was 102.4. Well, there’s your problem. I think I was also very dehydrated. So, I drank some water and went to bed. I slept for a couple hours, got up, binged and purged, and went back to bed.

Now, I am resting and chatting with my family. One of my brothers is over. He made his own board game and my dad asked him to bring it over so we can play it. It’s a fun game. They got pizza. Yay….

So, now I shall spend time with my family. I’m looking forward to it. Not the pizza part, but enjoying the company of my family.

Oh, and I still haven’t heard from the ED clinic. I called again today. The mental health guy said he’ll also call them. Hopefully I hear something soon.