Wow, it’s been a couple months since I posted last! I’ve been SUPER busy with school. My human anatomy and physiology class in particular is trying to kick my butt!
I’ve been in recovery limbo the last couple months. Issue with my insurance kept me from starting the evening intensive outpatient program like my psychiatrist wanted me to do after I left my ex and started spending all my free time binging and purging. School has helped reduce my binge/purge episodes, but I’m still struggling. Last week, my psychiatrist wrote a letter to my insurance company, and this week they FINALLY approved me to start the EIOP. So, Monday I will be starting back at the EIOP. I’m dreading it, and I have no idea how I’m going to get all my schoolwork done, but I know I need this right now.
I met with my psychiatrist this morning. Due to the fact that I’ve been binging and purging non-stop the last week and few days, and the extreme emotional distress I’m in, he wants me to go back to the evening intensive outpatient program. I really don’t want to go back into the eiop, but I recognize it may be necessary for me right now.
It’s day 4 of my water (and diet root beer) fast. I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon. He’s concerned about my not eating and wants me to see the nutritionist. I don’t want to see her. Partly because it’s expensive to do so. She’s not covered by insurance. Second, because she’s just going to tell me to eat and that’s going to be an expensive, pointless appointment since I have no plans to start eating again right now. He wanted to see me again after I see her, but I didn’t set up an appointment with her, and he didn’t have any appointments I could make before I fly out to California again in a couple weeks.
When I came out of my appointment, my tire was flat. Luckily, I have roadside assistance because while I know the mechanics of changing a tire, I’ve never actually done it, and it was sweltering hot. So, I waited for them to show up and change my tire, which he did very quickly. Meanwhile, I missed my appointment with my DBT therapist. I didn’t mind, though, because I wasn’t enthused about telling two people in the same day about my fast.
My psychiatrist wants me to start keeping an art journal of my eating disorder behavior urges. Today I’ve been wanting to restrict, so I tried to put it into a picture. On the left side is a body surrounded by spiky red and black lines. The red line is a deep self-hatred for my body that entirely encompasses me. The black like is the oppressive feeling the self-hatred gives me. The black arrows signify how the lines feel like they’re closing in on me. The dotted arrow shows that these feelings lead me to the thought of restriction and that I shouldn’t eat. I want my body to go away and the only way I know to make that happen is to stop eating.
Yesterday I met with my psychiatrist. I was apprehensive going in. I didn’t have a good experience with the psychiatrist I was assigned through the mental health clinic I attend, so I was worried how my appointment would go. I was pleasantly surprised. He was friendly, he didn’t talk down to me or seem to have pre-judged what conditions I had and try to make me fit into those diagnoses regardless of whether they fit me or not. He was attentive and listened, asked a lot of questions, and really seemed to care.
After I met with the psychiatrist, it was time for dinner. Dinner was very hard last night, and I was only able to complete about 60% of it. I tried really hard, though.
During our first group after dinner, we made collages with pastels to represent a moment in time in the last 24 hours where we felt intense emotion. We had to think of the moment and then circle on an emotions list all the emotions we were feeling. Then, using the pastels, we had to assign each emotion a color, and represent them on the paper however we felt best represented the moment.
I made the above collage. I started in the center with the emotions I feel are at the core of me and then worked out to the emotions I feel are more at the surface. The emotions are as follows, starting from the center and working out:
The moment in time that I picked was right after I finished dinner.
Tonight we have art and then family group. I invited several people from my family but I don’t think anyone is coming. I’m looking forward to more art.
It’s almost 4am. I can’t sleep because I’m in too much pain. I took too many laxatives again last night.
I know I said I was going to try to stop them until I found out what’s going on with my heart. I tried. I failed.
I’m so nauseous. I don’t handle nausea well.
I’m reconsidering my psychiatrist’s advice to go back into treatment. Maybe I need to, if just to cut out the laxatives again. I don’t seem to be able to do it alone.
I saw the new psychiatrist today. I didn’t click with him like I did my last psychiatrist, but I don’t hate him either. He up my medication dosage, which I’m so relieved about. Hopefully I start to feel more like me again soon. He also wants me back in eating disorder treatment at the Eating Recovery Center and is going to talk to my therapist about it.
He put me on “monitored meds” because of my frequent overdoses. Instead of getting a month’s supply I only get two weeks at a time. If they feel like I can’t handle that, it goes down to a week at a time.
So overall, I feel conflicted about the outcome of my visit today. I’m not pleased about having my medications monitored. I’m also not sure I want to go back into eating disorder treatment.
In other news, my friend’s grandmother is dying. I am trying to comfort her, but I know there’s not much I can really do for her, which is hard. I want to help.