Conflicted and Hungry

I’m in treatment, but I’m struggling. I haven’t been eating outside of treatment meals, which is dinner and HS snack Monday-Thursday. Before I started treatment, I was binging and purging all day long and I went back to the EIOP to help get that under control. Well, I have for the most part. And for a week or two, I mostly followed my meal plan. But as I’ve explained to dietitians in the past, following a meal plan feels like restricting, which triggers me to restrict more and more. And that’s exactly what has happened. To the point where I’m just not eating at all outside of program.

I dream about food every time I sleep. I’ve taken to watching Food Network. Right now, they’re playing Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives back-to-back. The food looks amazing. And I know my body is hungry, but I can’t bring myself to eat. Nor do I actually feel hungry. Or maybe I do and I’m ignoring it hard enough. I’m not sure. I’m definitely not focusing on my finals the way I should be. Today I took a nap because I just kept thinking about eating but I knew I couldn’t let myself eat, so I took a nap to take up a couple hours of time where I wouldn’t have to think about it, or feel weak and in pain. I dreamed I ate all kinds of things. Luckily, I didn’t actually eat any of those things.

I can’t get warm. It’s 36 degrees outside, but I have the heat on. Even with the heat, a jacket, slippers, and gloves, I’m still cold. I’m listless. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m so bored. Nothing sounds interesting. I just watch the food on the tv and long for what I won’t let myself have. What I can’t have. What I don’t deserve. I want it all. All at one time. And that scares me. And now I’m just rambling.

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Struggling to focus

I’m really struggling to focus on my nutrition class this weekend. This week’s topic is weight loss and it’s really triggering me. I’m trying to power through it, but it’s really hard. I find myself wanting to just skip the reading and take the test, which I would probably fail. (Or pass, who knows, maybe all my years of focus on weight loss has taught me enough to pass the test.) I just don’t want to do this section. I don’t have a choice; though, so I keep going. Slowly. In small, measured doses.

Bouncing Back

As I sit here, early in the morning, snow covering the world outside, sipping the coffee that is not part of my meal plan, I can’t help but think back to yesterday where everything seemed to go wrong.

The day started out fine. I started out following my meal plan. I started out studying for my test. I drew intestines for school (see below). Then, around 12:30pm, I went over to my sister’s for some sister time and to see my niece and nephew for their second birthday. Only, when I arrived, my sister wasn’t there. She had taken the kids to a late lunch. During the time we had scheduled to get together. So, for an hour and a half, I sat in her empty house, all by myself.

She got back right before I had to leave. I got to say hi to the kids and give them hugs, but then I had to go. No sister time, no play time. Just a passing hello. I was frustrated to say the least. So, to deal with my frustration, I went to Ihop and ordered an omelet and pancakes and ate it all, and then purged. Unfortunately, this started a pattern of binging and purging that lasted the rest of the day.

I did get my test taken, and I got a perfect score, so there was one bright spot in my day yesterday, but mostly I felt terrible and engaged in behaviors and I had to write all those behaviors down and my team is going to know about it and talk to me about it and I don’t want to.

So today, I feel rotten. I feel guilty and ashamed and like shit. I don’t want to follow my meal plan, but I’m going to try. Why? Because when you trip and fall, you don’t just lie there on the ground afterward going “I fell, I guess I’m stuck here.” No, you go, “that hurt, but I’m getting back up now,” and you do, you stand back up and you keep going. So today, I’m going to stand back up and I’m going to keep going. Even though the fall hurt and it’s hard to get back up. Even though I hate my meal plan. I will try to trust it. I will try to follow it.

 

Hospitalization: Part 8

Journal entry from my fourth day on the psychiatric wing.
**Self-harm trigger warning**

Today was hard. My depression was high, my self-harm urges were high, my suicidal ideation was high, and my anxiety was high.

Having so many strangers (visitors) all over the place had me on edge, and not having a private place to go had me frantic. I wanted to cut., I wanted to hit walls and cause bruises, I wanted to bang my head against a wall, I wanted to stab myself, I wanted to cut my throat, I wanted to take the knife from dinner and use it to cut.

I was given Ativan. It helped mildly. It took the very edge off, and that’s all. Not what I was hoping from an anxiety medication.

I want to cut. So badly. I’m going to try to sleep instead.