Too little energy to care

I’ve reached the point of restriction where I become very calm. I don’t think it’s because my demons have gone away, rather I think it’s because I have too little energy to be anything other than calm, flat, emotionless, zen. I have hardly moved today. I sat on my sofa and took a final exam, then I sat on my sofa and watched Christmas movies. I haven’t even used the bathroom today because I’m severely dehydrated. I don’t think I’ve left my couch since I got up this morning. I just don’t have the energy. I frankly, I just don’t care. I don’t anticipate moving until I go to bed. I look forward to sleeping. It seems so welcoming. When I’m eating well, I hate sleeping because I have too much I want to do, too much to get done to sleep. Now, I just have Christmas movies and sleep because I have no energy for anything else. I’m ok with this. Like I said, I have reached my zen.

I was looking at my Christmas tree earlier. It has candy canes on it. I wanted to taste a candy cane. Not eat it, just taste it. But I didn’t have the energy to cross the room to get one, and I’m too afraid the sugar will digest in my mouth and I’ll consume calories by licking it. I like being completely calorie-less. Maybe I won’t go back to treatment. They want me to eat there. I don’t want to ever eat again.

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Conflicted and Hungry

I’m in treatment, but I’m struggling. I haven’t been eating outside of treatment meals, which is dinner and HS snack Monday-Thursday. Before I started treatment, I was binging and purging all day long and I went back to the EIOP to help get that under control. Well, I have for the most part. And for a week or two, I mostly followed my meal plan. But as I’ve explained to dietitians in the past, following a meal plan feels like restricting, which triggers me to restrict more and more. And that’s exactly what has happened. To the point where I’m just not eating at all outside of program.

I dream about food every time I sleep. I’ve taken to watching Food Network. Right now, they’re playing Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives back-to-back. The food looks amazing. And I know my body is hungry, but I can’t bring myself to eat. Nor do I actually feel hungry. Or maybe I do and I’m ignoring it hard enough. I’m not sure. I’m definitely not focusing on my finals the way I should be. Today I took a nap because I just kept thinking about eating but I knew I couldn’t let myself eat, so I took a nap to take up a couple hours of time where I wouldn’t have to think about it, or feel weak and in pain. I dreamed I ate all kinds of things. Luckily, I didn’t actually eat any of those things.

I can’t get warm. It’s 36 degrees outside, but I have the heat on. Even with the heat, a jacket, slippers, and gloves, I’m still cold. I’m listless. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m so bored. Nothing sounds interesting. I just watch the food on the tv and long for what I won’t let myself have. What I can’t have. What I don’t deserve. I want it all. All at one time. And that scares me. And now I’m just rambling.

Diet Day 4

Last night I bought some spiced apple cider last night. Today is day 4, so I am having 300 calories today. Theoretically.

The cider is 130 calories for a cup. I can have 2 cups for 260 calories, or I can have one cup for 130 calories and a 170 calorie salad. I’m not sure yet which I’ll do.

It starts today

I’m starting this today, so I’m fasting today.

I don’t know what “MONO” means so I’ll just make something up that day.

I like having different targets each day, it makes life more interesting. And doing something like this should help keep me accountable and hopefully reduce the binging and purging. At least, it always has in the past. I don’t expect to “fix” anything “fast,” it’s just for my peace of mind.

Vacation Weight

I’m going on vacation in just over a week. To California.

I’m freaking out internally. We’re going to the beach. I love to swim, but I don’t normally just hang out in a swimsuit. I’m terrified and nervous and kind of sick to my stomach.

On the flip side, though, I’m looking forward to the “vacation weight”. Many people complain of gaining weight over vacation. I always lose on vacation.

While on vacation, I tend to eat every meal with others, which means there’s always someone there to see me eat, which means I hardly eat. And since I tend to be around people A LOT while on vacation, I’m much less likely to binge and purge. After a week of near-fasting, I always come home lighter.

I’m looking forward to that.

354

I had 354 calories in one meal. It’ll be my only meal today so that I can drink tonight. However, i had more calories in this meal than I ate all day yesterday and that freaks me out 

It’s amazing how quickly my mind goes back into freakout mode when I get back into restricting. I think I’ll go purge, I feel sick and so full. I might eliminate my 800 days and tonight. This is just too much. 

Steamed cabbage

I loved steamed cabbage. I don’t like raw cabbage at all, but steam that stuff and I love it!

Today is my 200 calorie day. I’ve been trying to spread my calories out into two (or three on the 800 day) meals so I don’t feel like I’m binging, because that triggers me to get into a binge and purge cycle. Since I only have 200 calories today, and limited food resources, separating it into 2 meals is difficult.

Therefore, for my first meal, I had a couple cups of steamed cabbage. It’s like a warm, delicious salad without any of the stuff that adds calories. 44 calories. Woot!

While I was preparing it, my mom asked, “You measure your cabbage??”

Yes. How else will I know how many calories I’m eating? I didn’t say that. I just said yes, and went about making my cabbage.

Cooking food you don’t eat

I generally cook dinner for my family. My dad usually works around 12 hours a day, and other than my mom, I’m the only one in the house without a job. My mom is recovering from some surgeries, so I make dinner. It’s how I feel less guilty about being mentally broken and not supporting myself.

Last night I made French toast with syrup. Tonight I made meatballs and corn. My mind tells me there’s something really great about cooking food for others that I can’t/won’t eat. It feels selfless and giving. Maybe I’m just trying to justify it.

My mother sits next to me and says, “I ate wayyy too much.”

I smile, knowing I’ve had 582 calories today. Knowing I will have no more than 400 tomorrow. Knowing that each person ate more calories for dinner than I had all day.

It’s strange how I can feel so selfless and caring while preparing their food, and so smug and proud while they eat it. Perhaps I’m just a terrible person.

When paranoia gets the better of me

Today, the reality of the fact that starches turn to sugar in the body hit me and I decided to stop eating them. 

More Internal Conversations

“I don’t need food.” (In response to noticing it’s 5:40pm and I realizing I haven’t eaten today.)

“I wonder what I could eat.”

Wait, what? You just said you didn’t need food, and your very next thought is about what you can eat? Brain, you make no sense.