Too little energy to care

I’ve reached the point of restriction where I become very calm. I don’t think it’s because my demons have gone away, rather I think it’s because I have too little energy to be anything other than calm, flat, emotionless, zen. I have hardly moved today. I sat on my sofa and took a final exam, then I sat on my sofa and watched Christmas movies. I haven’t even used the bathroom today because I’m severely dehydrated. I don’t think I’ve left my couch since I got up this morning. I just don’t have the energy. I frankly, I just don’t care. I don’t anticipate moving until I go to bed. I look forward to sleeping. It seems so welcoming. When I’m eating well, I hate sleeping because I have too much I want to do, too much to get done to sleep. Now, I just have Christmas movies and sleep because I have no energy for anything else. I’m ok with this. Like I said, I have reached my zen.

I was looking at my Christmas tree earlier. It has candy canes on it. I wanted to taste a candy cane. Not eat it, just taste it. But I didn’t have the energy to cross the room to get one, and I’m too afraid the sugar will digest in my mouth and I’ll consume calories by licking it. I like being completely calorie-less. Maybe I won’t go back to treatment. They want me to eat there. I don’t want to ever eat again.

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Miniature Food Freakout

I had a little freak out that I would binge and purge on something not liquid today, so I threw out all my non-liquid food. All of it, in the trash. I feel good about this. I feel a lot calmer, at least.

The planning of a binge

Sometimes, binges happen unexpectedly. I suddenly feel the need to eat and then I just don’t stop.

Other times, they are planned. I want to binge. I plan it out. I plan what I will binge on and when I will binge. Tonight is one of those planned binges. I wanted to binge and purge, felt the need to binge and purge, so I planned one. I went on Pizza Hut’s website and ordered food. A lot of food. Now I am waiting for it. Calmly. Serenely. I will do what I need to do and then I will get rid of it, and I will feel good about it. Because I chose to do it instead of doing it frantically or out of control. I am in control this time. I win.