Conflicted and Hungry

I’m in treatment, but I’m struggling. I haven’t been eating outside of treatment meals, which is dinner and HS snack Monday-Thursday. Before I started treatment, I was binging and purging all day long and I went back to the EIOP to help get that under control. Well, I have for the most part. And for a week or two, I mostly followed my meal plan. But as I’ve explained to dietitians in the past, following a meal plan feels like restricting, which triggers me to restrict more and more. And that’s exactly what has happened. To the point where I’m just not eating at all outside of program.

I dream about food every time I sleep. I’ve taken to watching Food Network. Right now, they’re playing Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives back-to-back. The food looks amazing. And I know my body is hungry, but I can’t bring myself to eat. Nor do I actually feel hungry. Or maybe I do and I’m ignoring it hard enough. I’m not sure. I’m definitely not focusing on my finals the way I should be. Today I took a nap because I just kept thinking about eating but I knew I couldn’t let myself eat, so I took a nap to take up a couple hours of time where I wouldn’t have to think about it, or feel weak and in pain. I dreamed I ate all kinds of things. Luckily, I didn’t actually eat any of those things.

I can’t get warm. It’s 36 degrees outside, but I have the heat on. Even with the heat, a jacket, slippers, and gloves, I’m still cold. I’m listless. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m so bored. Nothing sounds interesting. I just watch the food on the tv and long for what I won’t let myself have. What I can’t have. What I don’t deserve. I want it all. All at one time. And that scares me. And now I’m just rambling.

Advertisement

The Waiting Game

I had my intake assessment for the PHP/EIOP at the eating disorder center this morning. It went pretty much as expected, I’ve been through it before. The worst part is just now waiting. The intake coordinator I met with this morning meets with her team on Tuesday morning to go over new intakes, so she said I’ll hear from her Tuesday or Wednesday of next week with their recommendation as to which program. I don’t know when I’ll hear about whether insurance will approve a higher level of care.

I’m trying hard to work on my own to cut down on my binging and purging because of my diabetes diagnosis yesterday, but I’m not having a lot of luck so far. However, I’m going to keep trying. And hopefully I get into the partial hospitalization program or evening intensive outpatient program to help out.

Medical Clearance

This morning I got my medical clearance for the EIOP. It took over 3 hours. I got prodded, poked 6 times, an EKG, gave urine, and eventually sent out to a lab to get the rest of my blood because they couldn’t get it at my doctor’s office.

Today is also my ex-fiance’s birthday. I’m not handling the day well. I’ve been in tears a lot throughout the day.

I’ve been gone ALL DAY (I had my DBT group after my medical clearance) so I haven’t binged and purged today. I also haven’t taken any laxatives today, so I’m feeling a lot better physically. However, with the emotional distress I’m in right now, I will probably be binging and purging the rest of the night. Especially since I’m alone tonight. I just need to get out of my head.

Busy week upcoming

I have an appointment every day this week. Two on Wednesday. Tomorrow I have an eye exam, Tuesday I meet with my psychiatrist, Wednesday I have my medical clearance for going back into eiop and I have my DBT group, Thursday I meet with my DBT therapist, Friday I have the intake assessment for eiop, and Saturday I have the orientation for volunteering at the children’s hospital to rock babies.

I’m not looking forward to it, when I have appointments every day, my fibromyalgia tends to act up more. Also, my eating disorder therapist wants me in php (partial hospitalization) instead of eiop (evening intensive outpatient), but I’m not even sure my insurance will approve another round of eiop, let alone php. They wouldn’t approve php earlier this year when it was recommended then, so I’m not holding my breath on being sent to php. Besides, I have no idea how I would get my schoolwork done if I’m in php, since it’s an all day program. And I wouldn’t be able to volunteer at the children’s hospital rocking babies. And I would have to quit my DBT program. So overall, eiop would be “better” for me. (I don’t know that it would be better at interrupting behaviors, but it would interrupt my life less.)

Getting back on track, but terrified

All I do right now is binge and purge. I can’t even do my schoolwork because I’m too busy binging and purging. I can’t get myself to stop the cycle. So, it looks like I’ll be going back into the evening intensive outpatient program. Assuming, of course, my insurance will cover another round of EIOP this year. I have an appointment to get medical clearance next week and also an intake assessment. I’m going to do it, because I know I need the help right now. However, I’m scared to go back into the program. Scared of eating without purging, scared of putting in the work, scared of facing my feelings.

Not the news I was hoping for

I met with my psychiatrist this morning. Due to the fact that I’ve been binging and purging non-stop the last week and few days, and the extreme emotional distress I’m in, he wants me to go back to the evening intensive outpatient program. I really don’t want to go back into the eiop, but I recognize it may be necessary for me right now.

Nervous and Excited

It’s been a while since I posted last. I’ve been super busy with school this last week, but I have a little time today.

Tonight is my last night in the evening intensive outpatient program where I’ve been attending the last 11 weeks. I’m very excited to have the extra time during the week. I’m also nervous to be discharging. I have a history of being in and out of treatment and not being able to sustain my recovery and I worry that without the extra support, I will fall back into old habits.

However, I also know I’m in a much better place this time and have picked up some really good skills and I’m stronger than I’ve ever been before. A part of me believes that I can keep up with recovery even without the EIOP. I hope this is true. I really want this time to be different.

Blizzard 2016

We had a blizzard yesterday. The snow got so high I couldn’t open my front door. We got almost 2 feet of snow. Due to the storm, treatment was canceled last night. We did have it tonight. I have only 2 weeks left before I transition to outpatient. I’m excited and nervous. Next week was supposed to be my last week, but my therapist felt I could benefit from an extra week and my insurance approved it. I’m relieved to have an extra week, but also look forward to transitioning because of all the extra time I’ll have. I have gotten a lot out of this program, but going every night has been a little exhausting. With the end of the semester coming, I look forward to having the extra study time. I need it.

Murder

Last night I had a very hard time with dinner and I couldn’t finish and had to boost. When the staff member was talking to me about it afterward, she asked me what kind of thoughts were going through my head during dinner. They were standard Kyle-lies, things like “I don’t deserve to eat” and “I’m too fat for food.” She told me to give her counter thoughts to the thoughts I was having like we had practiced before. I couldn’t. I could not say the counter thoughts out loud. I couldn’t get them to come out.

This, after a bit, made me really angry. It made me remember the wheel of abuse we discussed in group and how my eating disorder felt, in that moment, truly oppressive. Something about that made me really angry. And I don’t get angry.

After dinner, we had art therapy. The art therapist asked me what I felt I needed to work on and I scared her by telling her I wanted to kill something. I worked with paint, which normally scares me because I have no experience with paint and I don’t like to get messy. I painted the above 3 panels.

I painted the middle panel first. That is the death scene. There’s an explosion of blood. That panel, while simple, was intense to paint. In that scene, I killed my eating disorder. I murdered Kyle. But that son of a bitch had it coming.

The first panel represents my eating disorder. It’s dark and oppressive with words that represent my eating disorder.

The last panel is my life after the death of Kyle. It’s bright and hopeful and, yes, there’s a residual effect of his role in my life, but most of my life is filled with what I want to fill it with.

My song

In group last night, we had to write our song. It had to be our song apart from our eating disorders. We could either write something original, or cut and paste lyrics from a large stack of lyrics. I’m not at all a song writer or poet, and many of the lyrics spoke to me, so I opted to cut and paste. Above is the song I “wrote” (read plagiarized).

The process was hard. It brought up a lot of emotion for me while I was working on it. Then, I had to read it aloud in front of the group (which was pretty large last night) and I had trouble getting through it without tears. I let the tears fall once I finished. It’s very hard for me to be vulnerable. It’s hard for me to be seen. I don’t like the feeling of being seen. The openness of this project overwhelmed me.

Luckily, we had process group right after and I was able to work through what had come up for me and talk through it with the core group (just the two others in my program).

Oh, that reminds me, we get a new person tonight! I’m excited for fresh blood. Each person in our group provides great insight and perspective, so I look forward to gaining even more insight and perspective from a new mind and heart.