Conflicted and Hungry


I’m in treatment, but I’m struggling. I haven’t been eating outside of treatment meals, which is dinner and HS snack Monday-Thursday. Before I started treatment, I was binging and purging all day long and I went back to the EIOP to help get that under control. Well, I have for the most part. And for a week or two, I mostly followed my meal plan. But as I’ve explained to dietitians in the past, following a meal plan feels like restricting, which triggers me to restrict more and more. And that’s exactly what has happened. To the point where I’m just not eating at all outside of program.

I dream about food every time I sleep. I’ve taken to watching Food Network. Right now, they’re playing Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives back-to-back. The food looks amazing. And I know my body is hungry, but I can’t bring myself to eat. Nor do I actually feel hungry. Or maybe I do and I’m ignoring it hard enough. I’m not sure. I’m definitely not focusing on my finals the way I should be. Today I took a nap because I just kept thinking about eating but I knew I couldn’t let myself eat, so I took a nap to take up a couple hours of time where I wouldn’t have to think about it, or feel weak and in pain. I dreamed I ate all kinds of things. Luckily, I didn’t actually eat any of those things.

I can’t get warm. It’s 36 degrees outside, but I have the heat on. Even with the heat, a jacket, slippers, and gloves, I’m still cold. I’m listless. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m so bored. Nothing sounds interesting. I just watch the food on the tv and long for what I won’t let myself have. What I can’t have. What I don’t deserve. I want it all. All at one time. And that scares me. And now I’m just rambling.


6 responses »

  1. Don’t torture yourself like this! Try to distract yourself. I know “Easier said than done.” I liken it to me going into a bar and just staring at booze bottles. It cannot end happily. Try to distract yourself. At least change the channel and give yourself a chance to work through this! Addictions are addictions, regardless if it alcohol, food, crack, heroin. Addiction will grab you by the throat and force you to pay attention to it if you try to veer from its path. You must wrench away and give yourself a chance for hope, life, a better way.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Keep hanging in there! I’m afraid I don’t have any experience that let’s me have a glimpse of what you’re going through. I don’t think I have anything intelligent to say about what this struggle is like.

    I do offer you this – I’ve been praying for you ever since I started reading your blog a long time ago; even when I wasn’t seeing any posts on my reader. You have a lot of people like me who care a great deal. You have prayers. You have a God who wants to strengthen you in your struggle against the evil of this world. You have much going for you. Draw from the care and love that exists for you.

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  3. I believe I’d not allow myself to watch the Food Network. Watch a Game Show Channel or old comedies or something. I remember when I was taking my master degree in education and I had to do student teaching. Obviously I was nervous about it. I remember the teacher I was working with said to “pretend” I knew what I was doing until I did believed it. I did get better, but I wasn’t a natural, it took work.

    I also have generalized anxiety disorder, and at times when my mind is all helter skelter, I just have to make a list and follow it, like I’m an employee — or a student with assignments. I just do the next thing on the list. I don’t think about it, just do it. So I get somethings accomplished and usually the activity also dispels the anxiety I was feeling earlier. Normally I’m not a fan of lists — too often they’re too long so you’re bound to fail. In fact, it could have only one or two things a day that have to be done. 1) Get dressed, 2) eat at least one item for breakfast; lunch, and dinner. and don;t watch food network!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Um wow, I just wrote a blog about how watching videos, etc can exacerbate my ED. It’s difficult. For me, it’s not triggering but rather comforting. I have to do the uncomfortable thing and not watch stuff. I’ve been watching other stuff, regular shows, to break the habit and take a break from ED thoughts and obsessions. It has helped actually, the past day or two. My food situation still sucks but I don’t feel as entrenched and despairing as when I was watching that stuff. For me it’s YouTube videos.

    It’s snowing here so I understand that cold feeling. Fortunately I love sweaters, lol.

    Anyway, hang in there. I’m not going to offer any advice. Really all I can do is share with you what I’m doing. My hope though is that you (and I) find a way through this. ((( hugs )))

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can sympathize with you so much hun. I know this part of recovery is terribly difficult. And like a few other people have said, watching the food channels can indeed be dangerous. I know, it’s comforting. Trust me…I know. I look up recipes and watch the cooking shows all the time…but when my ED is really bad I have to try to stop myself from doing that. It only throws me deeper and deeper into my ED. I will admit that if my restricting is out of control, I will allow myself 30 minutes of food shows just for a little relief…Maybe talk to the people at the treatment center about how hard things are right now. Let them know that the clinic is the only place you’re eating. Also, what I do when I’m in recovery is I treat like the healthy version of an ED. Eating Disorders are SOOO controlling. So rigid, with so many rules, and we can be SO stubborn with in them. So I try to apply the same Rigidity and rules and stubborness into healthy things. Like your finals, I would work on my school with the same seriousness as i would say…counting calories. I take eating an apple for breakfast as seriously as I would doing exercises for the day…idk that’s just a few things that help me lots of love and prayers going your way.

    Liked by 1 person

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