This weekend I took my first weekend pass from treatment. I had Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off. Friday I had a doctor’s appointment with my rheumatologist and got labs done and then went over to my brothers’ place for a couple days of playing Magic: the Gathering. If you know anything about MtG, Unstable came out this weekend and I picked up a booster box to draft with. If you don’t know what MtG is, it’s a trading card game for adults. It was lots of fun.
Saturday was spent playing more MtG and then Sunday my sister, brother, and I went to a Broncos game. It was my first time attending a professional football game and it was so much fun. However, there was a lot of walking and stairs involved and of course my mind just kept calculating how much I was burning.
Food/eating-wise the weekend was rough. I didn’t eat at all Friday. Then I ate and purged everything on Saturday. Sunday I tried to get back on my meal plan but only managed to make it to 1,000 calories for the day.
Overall, I’m not sure I would call it a successful pass, but it was an enjoyable one despite the ED thoughts and behaviors.
This weekend my three brothers and I road tripped to Albuquerque. I have to say, I’ve been to Albuquerque twice now and I’ve hated it both times. It’s hard to navigate, it’s run down (at least the parts I’ve been to), there are cops everywhere, and there’s not a decent liquor store in the city. However, we had a lot of fun despite the city.
Also, our hotel room had a miniature kitchen, so we were able to get groceries and not eat out for every meal, which was a huge relief for me. I was able to mostly follow my meal plan the whole weekend and find balance in my eating. That’s major progress for me.
Now to just work on my homework from my outpatient therapist: coming up with a schedule for my meals and sticking to them. Over the weekend I just ate when my brothers ate. They eat pretty regularly so I used them as my regulators. At home, I haven’t been good at getting my meals in because I don’t have a schedule down yet, so I need to figure out when I’m eating my meals with my new schedule, and then actually eat without the accountability of three other people constantly around in close quarters.
I love the flavor text on this card. (The last sentence, that’s in italics.)
Someone I was in residential with four years ago is in the hospital right now with a feeding tube.
I know it’s stupid and petty and wrong, but I am jealous.
I miss my anorexic days. I miss fasting and restricting and not binging and purging. I keep telling myself I’m going to stop eating altogether, this is one of my greatest wishes, but I can’t seem to follow through.
I love the idea of never again placing food in my mouth. The idea of total abstinence from food. It calls to me. I find it alluring. And yet, I cannot attain.
I hate myself for my own weakness.
I loathe myself for my inability to refuse.
I revile the food I find within me.
Yet I eat.
Pass out from exhaustion.
It is never enough.
I am never enough.
I will never be enough unless I can cease to consume.
I will find the answer. I swear it to myself. It may take months or years, but I will do it. I will discover the secret to existing without food. I will find the strength to abstain.
I will conquer my body’s misguided need for sustenance.