Tag Archives: cold

Conflicted and Hungry

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I’m in treatment, but I’m struggling. I haven’t been eating outside of treatment meals, which is dinner and HS snack Monday-Thursday. Before I started treatment, I was binging and purging all day long and I went back to the EIOP to help get that under control. Well, I have for the most part. And for a week or two, I mostly followed my meal plan. But as I’ve explained to dietitians in the past, following a meal plan feels like restricting, which triggers me to restrict more and more. And that’s exactly what has happened. To the point where I’m just not eating at all outside of program.

I dream about food every time I sleep. I’ve taken to watching Food Network. Right now, they’re playing Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives back-to-back. The food looks amazing. And I know my body is hungry, but I can’t bring myself to eat. Nor do I actually feel hungry. Or maybe I do and I’m ignoring it hard enough. I’m not sure. I’m definitely not focusing on my finals the way I should be. Today I took a nap because I just kept thinking about eating but I knew I couldn’t let myself eat, so I took a nap to take up a couple hours of time where I wouldn’t have to think about it, or feel weak and in pain. I dreamed I ate all kinds of things. Luckily, I didn’t actually eat any of those things.

I can’t get warm. It’s 36 degrees outside, but I have the heat on. Even with the heat, a jacket, slippers, and gloves, I’m still cold. I’m listless. I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m so bored. Nothing sounds interesting. I just watch the food on the tv and long for what I won’t let myself have. What I can’t have. What I don’t deserve. I want it all. All at one time. And that scares me. And now I’m just rambling.

Babysitting

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I babysat overnight and into this afternoon for my twin niece and nephew. I should have brought a blanket with me because I was freezing last night. Even after turning the heat up.

I love babysitting the twins. They’re so much fun. They’re 17 months and everything is new and exciting to them!

Never not sick

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I’ve been some form of sick for over a month now.

Yesterday, when I woke up after my drunk escapades, my throat was raw and and I had a cough and my chest hurt. Everything hurt. Just walking from the living room to the bathroom was an ordeal.

Today I slept until after 4pm. My throat hurts more than yesterday, still coughing, have a fever, my chest still hurts and my ears are hurting. Luckily, the general body pain has decreased significantly.

I just want to stop being sick. -___-

At least I can’t eat.