New Experiences

I started intensive outpatient yesterday. This means doing 2 meals at home. However, I’m on disability and hardly get enough money to cover bills, let alone money to buy food. In shame, I told my dietitian this. She then took me to a food bank. It was an overwhelming experience. It was filled with fear foods, which were handed to me whether I wanted them or not. On top of that, while waiting for my turn to go through the line, the man at my table kept talking about being too fat and how he wouldn’t eat the bread because he didn’t want to gain more weight and so forth.

I now have food to last a while, minus protein, though I do have a whole frozen chicken in my freezer. I feel like an awful person for taking all this free food that I don’t want in the first place. I don’t want to eat it and I don’t want it in my house. How awful am I that I took food from someone who wanted it when I don’t even want this food??

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Bubble burst

Well, it’s happened. My weight is up today. No food for me.

Good Day

I ate today.

I went to the zoo for several hours today with my sister and her 17 month old twins. We walked around the whole time, minus about 20 minutes when we stopped to feed the kids lunch. I had so much fun with them.

After, we went back to my sister’s and she put them down for a late nap. Then, she made herself and me food. A salad with chicken. I didn’t want to explain that I wasn’t eating, and I had just walked over 10 miles (thank you, phone GPS) so I ate the salad. I’ll punish myself for it later. I may also get in a real workout too to make up for it.

Overall, though, I had a great day. I adore my niece and nephew and I had a blast with them at the zoo.

Done

I left treatment last night. Now I feel lost and sad and overwhelmed and unsure what direction I want to go. I’m making breakfast, but I don’t know if I’ll do 3 meals and 3 snacks. I kind of really want to restrict.

Challenge Accepted

A friend posted a random New Year resolution generator on Facebook. This is what I got.

(If you are curious, you can get one here)

Anti-eating Face Mask

Wherr do I buy this?? 

Eat This Much

I found this neat site called Eat This Much. You can tell it how many calories you want to eat over how many total meals during the day, and it will give you a meal plan for the day. You can edit what types of foods it will suggest, follow certain diets like vegetarian, paleo, etc, tell it how many (or what percentage) carbs, fats, and proteins you want, and more. It’s really quite a useful site.

There’s only one small problem.

How do I get three-quarters of the egg white and the yolk? I’m also not sure how to measure a quarter of a tablespoon.

How on earth am I supposed to measure 0.17 tablespoon, 0.17 cup, or 0.67 of an egg?

0.13 of everything?

0.04 of a cup? Then you have 0.17 of almost everything else.

I love this site in theory. I really want to be able to use it. However, I can’t find a way to make it give me measurements that make logic.

I thought the strange measurements might have been just because I was requesting an unrealistic amount of calories per day. However, when I switched to the standard 2000 calories, it didn’t help any.

Yes, it wants me to add 0.13 cup of low fat milk to this recipe.

Eating is selfish

I went to the store this morning. I bought food.

A lot of food.

The whole time I was shopping, I had this horrible feeling of impending doom. A nagging feeling that I shouldn’t be spending this money on all this food.

Or any food.

I bought a combination of normal food and binge food. More regular food than binge food.

I went to the checkout and stood in line unable to hide the shame of being a fat person buying food.

I avoided eye contact and I rushed out of the store as quickly as possible.

When I got home, I thought about posting that I finally did something with my money, and that I chose the selfish option.

After a few minutes, it occurred to me that I equate buying food for myself with being selfish. Eating is the ultimate selfish act.

I am a selfish person, and I consistently waste food on a person who doesn’t deserve to eat.

Instead of using my money to buy gifts for my now two friends who just had babies, instead of getting something for my newly engaged friend, instead of buying anything for any number of people, I spent that money on myself.

Because I am selfish.

Impending Doom

I have no food in the house. I’m almost out of all my meds. I have no Internet and no TV, and phone only for a few more days.

At least I have my bike…

Checking in

I have received some concerned messages from my contact page mentioning that I haven’t posted lately, so I thought I’d check in.

My friend from out of state came into town on Friday morning and I’ve been staying at my brothers’ place, with her, since. All three of my brothers, my brother’s girlfriend, my friend, and I are all here for the week.

We’ve been playing lots of games, watching movies, drinking vodka, and just generally enjoying each other’s company.

The last two days, we’ve gone swimming. Yesterday, I didn’t go with them at first. My brother’s girlfriend is much thinner than I am and I felt really uncomfortable being in a swimsuit around her. However, after about an hour, I decided to go join them.

Today, we went swimming for about 5 hours, alternating between the pool and the hot tub. It got up to 105 degrees this afternoon, but the water was still cold, so after about an hour in the pool we’d get cold, hang out in the hot tub until we got too hot, then go back to the pool. It was great.

I still wasn’t comfortable being in my swimsuit around K or strangers, but I did enjoy myself for the most part, especially when I was in the water.

We also walked to McDonald’s at 5am the other day. We’d been drinking all night and I guess we got hungry. One brother asked me to call them and ask what time their lobby opened, which was 5am. So, just before 5:00 we headed over. I feel bad for the guy who took our orders because we were very drunk and probably obnoxious.

I’ve been purging everything I eat, but I have tried to cut back on the laxatives just to keep from embarrassing myself. I feel like I’m eating SO MUCH food. I feel sick and fat and disgusting. Plus, I keep getting texts from people asking why I’m not in treatment. And I don’t have my bike here.

I keep wanting to go use their fitness center, but that would mean leaving my friend alone and I feel like it would be rude. Especially since I’d probably spend hours in there.

Right now, my friend and one of my brothers is doing a food and booze run, which is why I have a moment to check in.

I’ll be here for another week, so my posts will probably be sporadic during that time.

I do check my comments and email throughout the day, so if you send me warm thoughts, I will see them.