This is why

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“This is why, I think to myself as I take another bite of pasta. “This is why you can’t lose any weight despite hours of exercise each day.”

This is how I deal with stress, with disappointment, with not knowing what to do. I eat and I exercise. I used to purge, but I haven’t done much of that since leaving treatment a month ago. Now I just kill myself on my bike. Which I did, right before eating the pasta.

I was supposed to go car shopping today, but due to a series of events, was unable to. That’s the 4th time in a row. I’m beginning to think I will never be able to buy a car. All I want is a little independence. All I want is to be able to get around when my fibromyalgia is acting up. All I want is stability. All I want is freedom.

All I get is disappointment. So, all I do is exercise and eat. It’s better than the alternative, I suppose. I really wanted to cut, but I worked out and ate pasta instead. It’s “safer” at the very least, I’m told. Better to kill myself slowly with bulimia than to slice open my veins, they tell me.

Just once, I want something to go right.

18 responses »

  1. No. It is not better to kill yourself slowly. Or quickly. Or at all. You are letting the voice of your ED convince you that you need the car to get help, but then that same evil runs interference so you can’t accomplish what it is telling you. just get the help. Ask God to help you deal with the evil and get help. I will pray for you.

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  2. You’re already making several really crucial steps by not cutting and not purging! Those are such big steps that I think you have to give yourself more credit for that. Taking on the eating/biking cycles that are currently dominating your life will come next, but how many major things can you expect yourself to change all at once? Keep at it and you’ll get there.

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  3. I’ve been stuck in this cycle and unfortunately don’t have any magic words to help, it’s just an awful, lonely, despairing place to be, but the darkness doesn’t last forever, please trust that. Thinking of you.

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  4. Killing yourself slowly is not an only option. Your story is in your hands, you are the author of your own story! Keep this in mind. You are you, you can do it, You do it, and you will do it! Try not to draw your attention to the negative things in your life, try draw it to the positive ones. And if you don’t have one positive, go outside and look for them, smile to someone in the road and they will smile you back! At least i feel happy because i made someone smile! Or i just go and play with my dog. Life can be wonderful if you search for the right things you need. About the car, maybe the car can wait…maybe there is something out there that you need to do first, maybe you need to smile at yourself! Anyway, I hope this hard times stops existing in your world in a near future, slowly you can pass this! I am sure!! Believe in yourself ’cause i do too!! šŸ˜‰

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